I hope you all can read this without judging me....I really need objective opinions!
First off I will say I NEVER thought for a minute I would consider being with a married man never mind having an affair with one, but here I am, 6 mos into it. He "claims" he told her he met someone else a few mos ago- also that he wasnt in-love with her but loved her, (he lives 1000 miles away I met him while he was doing a job in town here). She asked if he would do counseling or it will never work and he said no way.
Long story short, after being with him again recently (he travels alot with his job and was away for a month) He got home Fri and called me to say she went through all his stuff with a fine tooth comb (I dont blame her!) he chuckled at the thought! and if I could do him a favor and dial *67 first when I call him cuz she can see who called and checks his messages on his cell so not to leave one. He is heading this way next week for another month (last minute job-he hasnt told her yet) I was so hurt by the comment and he just said he "didnt need the hastle" this week before he leaves town!! ARRRGH!! This makes me so mad that he still hasnt told her. When we met, supposedly he was telling her right when he got home but while we were at dinner one night, she called hysterical that her father had a hearattack so he decided to wait to tell her and then, obviously, got very comfortable not telling her.
Some guys he works with knows about me and since this weekend Im wishing there was a way I could tell her (or have a man tell her-he'll think its one of the guys)
I know this is probably completely out of my territory but it is suddently eating me alive that he is getting away with this. He said she knows its more than "meeting someone" but he wont admit it to her. He says he loves me dearly all the time and his marriage withered away years ago-NEVER had an affair before either ...hmmmmmm....and wants to be with me someday as he has 3 kids and cant leave "for a while" unless she throws him out!
Dont you think she atleast deserves to know the truth? Thanks for any advise you can give!!

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: MissLilly67 ]</small>

Ms.Lilly...if you value your own sanity and self worth...leave this man alone. Block his number and his email and find something to do with your time to get through the withdrawl. EVEN IF what he says is true, and he's going to leave her and divorce...the more you are in the picture, the longer he will try to keep his cake and eat it too. The TRUTH of the situation is that he will probably never leave her and probably has no intention to. Either way...you need to protect yourself from the hell he's about to pull you through. There are boards full of women who have been hanging on for years, just sure that he will leave eventually. Maybe he will...but why suffer in the meantime?

He is invested in his family with the wife and the three children. He is having fun with you. If you talk to his wife, you probably will learn a lot more about this man that you are romantically feeling for. A great book for you to read in about being the other woman is Shirley Glasses, "Not Just Friends". She talks about the odds of the OW and success at this kind of relationship. It is not weighing in on your side of the scale. Sure you can fight for him, but he is already spoken for. This is not a fun no care romance any more, when you realize what he is truly doing.

A relationship that is built upon deceipt won't yield good healthy living. I am sorry for the folks that get to deal with this. Nobody wins. But you will figure it out. The facts wont be changed by desires.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"He got home Fri and called me to say she went through all his stuff with a fine tooth comb (I dont blame her!) he chuckled at the thought!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does this sound like a man who respects women?

Miss Lily,
I just have one question. If he does leave his wife to be with you, what makes you think that he won't cheat on you. You say he travels a lot. Does he travel to anywhere besides your town. What makes you think he won't have someone (or maybe he already does) in another town if you get together?

I don't mean to sound hostil or anything. I just have a problem when it comes to OW and OM. I know that it is a two way street, but if there were more people that would refuse to be with a married person it would make it that much harded for someone to have an affair. It also seems like the OP thinks that they will be the one for the person they are having an A with. And that even know they were part of an A, that they somehow are exempt from it happening to them if they were to get into a real relationship with the person they were having an A with.

JW

So far you haven't talked much about your own feelings, but they are bound to be intoxicating and (I'm sorry) largely imaginary. This is a guy you have spent a very limited time with -- you really don't know his downsides on a day-to-day basis. Meanwhile, on the basis of both of your limited knowledge of each other, you are about to visit lifetime-size crisis on the lives of at least four people, not counting yourselves.

Been there, done that. It's all very romantic. But the pain and trauma you are causing you may not be able to undo when you find out you aren't right for each other, which unfortunately, is a probability. And also unfortunately, you won't be able to get to know each other until he visits this crisis on everyone.

Hard as it will be, I'd say get to know some single guys. His wife is suffering big-time, and you don't know the realities of that marriage from the inside, whatever he says (I doubt she knew the marriage was "dead," and probably he didn't think it was either the week before he met you, regardless of what he says now). I don't think you'll want this kind of stuff on your conscience.

This is from a BS's perspective. Give it merit if you want.

My WW left me for another married man. He has 2 kids and has had trouble in his own marriage. She moved in with him 3 months ago and is just now seeing the negative side of this man. I guess she thought she knew this man and planned on marrying him and living happily ever after. A great fairytale but not very realistic.

Anyway, point being, what you see isn't always what you get. Also, my W has put me and her family(2 Ds age 16 & 13) through so much pain and suffering that it isn't even funny. Do you want that on your conscience? Yes, you may think that this man is your soulmate, but truth is, he is a fantasy only in your mind. Don't tear apart a family for your selfish needs. Get out now and let this man put back the pieces to his own marriage before its too late...

OK, here it goes, I could be wrong BUT I HIGHLY DOUBT IT! HE is LYING TO BOTH YOU AND HIS WIFE! She doesn't know the extent of his relationship with you IF SHE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT YOU AT ALL! If she knew she would be contacting you to find out the truth! You are the OUT-OF-TOWN WOMAN, he is not leaving his wife, and if he does, HE WON'T TELL HER HE IS LEAVING FOR YOU! He will make her believe it is for work or will say he needs space while he is playing house with you for AWHILE. You are headed for the BIGGEST DRAMA OF YOUR LIFE! I am quite sure if you talk to his wife, she will give you a completely different story of what he is telling you! JMO

He is undoubtedly lying to both you and his wife. He has to, to keep you both hooked in to the situation. At a bare minimum, he is downplaying his attachment to his wife to you, downplaying his involvement with you to her. That's a given.

Look, MissLilly, keep posting. You are going to need a lot of support through this. You will get some bangs on the head from some posters, undoubtedly, but we do want to help you through this, and you will need help.

Dear Miss Lily,
I've wanted to send a letter to the OW in my life but I can't because: a) OW said "no more contact" and most importantly b) I owe it to my W not to cause any more destruction c) I promised not to contact OW again. So maybe you can substitute for the OW in my life?


This letter has been "burned" by hiker sorry Miss lily but it wasn't worth the paper it was written on

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hi MissLilly

Well, I decided to chime in also.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he chuckled at the thought! and if I could do him a favor and dial *67 first when I call him cuz she can see who called and checks his messages on his cell so not to leave one. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm, so he want you to hide, he is lieing, cheating on his W, and laughs about it. He tells you not to leave a message.

Is this really the type of "USER" you want in your life?

From the sounds of it he really doesn't care for you. He doesn't really love you and doesn't really care for your feelings. Look at his actions. Is he someone that is really worth knowing? My W ran into a "USER/SHARK/A##WIPE" He said all the right things, the only thing was that in his part it was all so that he could get what he wanted and all he wanted was a "F#@K Toy". He also wanted an emotion tie from my W and all the other women he used and then tossed away. The A##wipe has done this for over 30+ years (since the 2nd year of his marriage). He made sure of the emotional hook, and by the time she saw what he was like it was to late. He'd already PA'd her. She was like a frog being boiled alive, you turn up the heat a little at at time, and eventually the frog dies in the boiling water. He was perverting her.

It really sounds like you have met such a person. I hate to pop your bubble but you are someone that will be easily replaced as soon as he is done with you. It will be hard for you but choose for him. Go NC with him. And inform his W. She needs to know and you need to tell her. She needs the information so she can make the choice of working on her M, or not. If you have any hard evidence such as mail I would provide her with those. But you need to go NC, and then find someone that will really care about you, will be honest with you. A person that doesn't have to live a life of deceit/fantasy. If you really look at him, he doesn't "Love" anybody including his W. I will correct that He "Loves" himself, and his own selfish wants, and the brain he uses for his idea's of love is between his legs.

It does say a lot that your are here seeking answers. I respect that. We all have made bad choices in our lives. But, nothing says that we can't work on ourselves and change for the better by learning from those choices. You have taken a big step here by posting. And, I hope you will continue to post. Read here, vent here, and learn here.

God Bless

My first double post. Now I feel like I fit in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>

My 1st time visiting and writing and I am overwhelmed with graitude for all of you taking the time to share with me. Thank you so much-all of your suggestions are just what I needed!

Keep posting!

Okay Lilly pretend you are back in high school when you first started dating:

Then: You would if you loved me.

Now: I will because I don't love her.

Then: Your the only one for me.

Now: She's not the one for me.

Then: I can't believe we ran out of gas.

Now: I never intended to fall in love with you.


The lines change with the times. Now back then you never would have fallen for such cheezy lines.

But now for some reason you swallow them hook line and sinker. Especially the part about telling her all about you. Please think about it, he is lying to her by having an affair but you are suprised he lied to you?

Put it this way HE stood before God, family and friends and swore his marriage vows.....if he can't keep those words what makes you think he will keep his words with you?

Please realize that married men who cheat basically do so for sex. And just like the hormone driven boys in high school they will say whatever it takes to get what they want.

Lilly are you married or single?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dont you think she atleast deserves to know the truth? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I think she does.

And then you bow out and end all contact. Let him and his W work out and on their marriage or not.

And you find someone who deserves you, and has respect for you, himself and his family.

"Someday" is a string along line. (along with the other things he's said) It means, "I'm a cake-eater" and he likes it this way.. a girl in every port. Are you sure you and his wife are the only other "girls" in port?

It's funny, I did a lot of reading on this last night... so much so that I woke up grouchy this morning.

You deserve more than a cake eater who will whittle your life away while you wait for a promise he will never fulfill.

MissLilly you have alot of class... not many OW/OM/OP (other women, other men, other person) would come on this site and ask this question.

Many think we are awful bitter orges who will assail them and rent them to pieces .. we aren't ... and most of us feel that YOU deserve someone who won't drag you into his issues and probelms, problems he should work on and fix himself -- but he chose to run away and be distracted by you -- and if he really did leave his wife for you, do you really want someone like that?

What happens the next time he has problems?

You deserve more and better.

By telling his W, cutting him loose, and ending all contact you are giving him the chance to be a better person and work on himself and his issues. Hopefully they will both go into counseling and marriage counseling -- and if you tell her ... send her to this site.

you have my respect
way2

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

I know this is probably completely out of my territory but it is suddently eating me alive that he is getting away with this.
??? That he is getting away with not telling his wife?

He says ... NEVER had an affair before either ...hmmmmmm
I agree. Hmmmmm? Why would he say this?

....and wants to be with me someday as he has 3 kids and cant leave "for a while" unless she throws him out!
So even though he knows he's wrong, he's not man enough to do the right thing (break it off with you. He wants her to do the dirty work). Some "man", eh?

He won't leave his wife & children unless she kicks him out. Because they are more important to him than you are.

Dont you think she atleast deserves to know the truth?
Yes & so do you. Unfortunately, you probably won't get it from him.

Read some more here and not just the replies to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says ... NEVER had an affair before either ...hmmmmmm
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW Lilly my wife's OM told her he had only one other affair and that was nearly 10 years before truth was he ended one just as he started making a move on her.....and that was his 12th or 13th affair.

My bad...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I actually thought there was another woman...beside you!

committed

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

I have to post!

I too was the other woman. Was, was, was. Never so glad to put something into the past tense. Albeit the fact that I truly did love X-MM.

However. Your first question seems to center around whether to tell or not. Nearly everyone here says TELL. They almost all advocate honesty at any cost (particularly when BS tells OPs spouse). So I am surprised that that standard is not carried more stringently in this case and you are not urged to tell the wife. (Get this--when my X-MM's W found out YEARS AFTER I HAD ENDED THE AFFAIR, she still wanted to stir things up and tell my H. Because it was "the right thing to do." She never did, because I think she feared backlash. But it shows you people's true colors and motives...)

So, my dear, what you should do is be totally honest WITH YOURSELF about your motives for telling. If you are doing it to punish him, this is not a good reason. It is not your job to exert any kind of control over any aspect of his life. Really, no reason having to do with him is a good reason to tell. Few people tell for truly altruistic reasons, it seems to me, and I've done a lot of reading on another board on this subject...

Just examine your motives, and if you're telling the wife for revenge, then you better dig 2 graves.

About the affair in general, trust me: there is nothing lasting or worthwhile in this for you except lessons whose value you cannot see until you are out of the affair.

Fact is, there are not good stats for men leaving families to be with a new sexual interest. Now, I know you are more than that and hopefully you do too. But he does not. You have let him put you in a box of his making, a convenient place in his life, for his purposes. You are a valuable human being who deserves more. Actions, not words...his have told the tale. You, however, should make your actions exemplary of a worthwhile, self-respecting, self-loving (and God-loving, if you're inclined) human being.

Leave him in the dust & get on with your life. It'll take a while, I suppose, before you're ready to give up, but you asked for advice, and that's mine.