During my divorce to violent xhubby a court ordered visitation had to take place.

So my mother packed up my kids and went to stay with XH's sister. (A day's drive away .. it was thought that if I wasn't there, he wouldn't have a violent episode).

The last day of the visit xH feel into one of his rages (that I knew so well, and had the bruises to prove it) over me getting on with my life and him not controlling me any longer. (we had been separated for over a year, and I was going back to school)

In his rage he beat my mother, his sister and his 80 year old aunt who was also visiting the children -- before taking off with the children.

Thanks some fine police work, etc. everyone was back home the next day.

Then my parents sat me down in the livingroom of their house and told me what happened ... I was very upset that all this violence had happened, and that the kids and everyone had to deal with such trauma.

What puzzled me was my Dad's reaction to news that his stbx son-in-law had become physically violent with his wife (my Dad yells, screams and curses but has never laid a hand on my Mom). I thought at the time "Why isn't Dad more upset? He should be demanding stbx's head on a platter."

He was more upset when xH attacked my sister a few years before (xh is a Viet Nam vet and has ptsd) .. But the outrage and upset or even deep caring for my mother WAS NOT THERE.

It always hung in the back of my mind .. why? ...

During Myad's A#2 I had a severe asthma attack because of all the smoke that came into the North East because of the Canadian Wildfires. Myad didn't treat me so well duirng this .. I was the obligation, whose care was a nuisance. Once obligation fulfilled it was back to the foggy happy world of work with OW.

For over a year everytime I had an asthma attack I would have a trigger.

Reading the TOW board this week allowed that germ in the back of my mind to grow .. why had Dad behaved this way, we already knew he had had an affair starting shortly after my daughter's (his first grandchild's) birth.

And now I finally have connected it -- his really uninvolved and under caring response was due to his A -- my poor mother must have felt exactly the way I did.

Mom and Dad are still together ... the A ended 10 years ago because his daughters stood up and told him while he would be welcomed in our homes his OW would not nor ever would be. OW couldn't stand to come between him and his daughters and ended it.

On the TOW board I read where other families having taken this stand and all the OW can do is complain about "why can't the families see how much this is hurting the now separated MM/SO" -- if I didn't think it would get censored and edited I might post if the OW and MM have come out of their selfishness enough to consider how this has hurt the sons and daughters, etc. grrr

I have often wondered if my mother died first if I wouldn't one day, when Dad pushed too many buttons, as he often does, would I light into him about all the hurt he caused and why I don't see him as the great moral man I once did or go to him with my problems -- just to hear the FIRST man in my life tell me I'm wonderful and loveable and can do anything.

D#MN IT! D#MN IT! D#MN IT! D#MN IT! D#MN IT!

Dad, she's the mother of you children. Why weren't you there when she needed you. Why weren't you the strong, caring, passionately angry man she and I needed you to be?

Was it worth it Dad?

way2

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 01:32 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Way2:

I read your story with great interest.

My BF H is going through discovering that his father has been having an affair. It all happened this summer and my friend's husband actually caught them together. His father came up with this big lie that my friend only part way bought.

On DDAY my friend came to me and gave her the MB website and told her to get SAA for her MIL. I'm not sure they did that.

They are going to MC separately with different counselors. My friend seems to think FIL's counselor is helping him more than MIL's counselor is helping her.

After several months MIL finally asked FIL to leave - she just can't get past it.

My friend will now have to tell her kids that grandpa isn't living with grandma anymore - they are 15 and 11.

But the hardest thing is what my friend's husband is going through - he is soo full of anger towards his father for doing this to his mother AND lying to him. I think the biggest thing is the lie.

I know he wouldn't dream of going to counseling and probably wouldn't read a book. Can you think of anything I could say to my friend to help her husband through this????

I told her that the "pc" thing to tell kids is that it's not about them it's about the parent's relationship .... but I'm wondering if adult children might take parental affairs and divorce a little harder because of the betrayal and moral factors involved????

Maybe there is nothing I can say to them....but since you have truly been through IT ALL <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I thought you could give me some advice....

Thanks,
DB

Thank you.

I've never been asked this before.

I have to leave to run a few errands. Let me think about an answer and I'll get back to you.

way2

Way 2, Just one thing to consider: my H goes emotionally dead during times of crises. He explained to me that when he can't control or dominate a situation, he just kind of "shuts down," giving the appearance that he doesn't care when he cares too much.

Of course, he did the same thing during the A for different reasons. Which all makes him very hard to read.

I've noticed on this board sometimes we are a little harsh towards people who don't show their emotions. Some, like my H, can't.