I’ve been lingering around for almost a year and finally decided to ask for some advise, because I honestly haven’t read a thread to resemble my problem, I will try to make it short (Promise)

We’ve been together for almost 10 years, he the WS (42) had been previously married and had numerous affairs (as did the ex wife), me BS (34) D-Day August 29th 2002 after we return from a vacation to Cancun. I knew something was wrong when this very frugal man made two calls to the states and when I caught him (he’s horrible at fibbing) he made up some ridicules story, not to mention my stomach was in knots for the entire trip. Well her, the OW (41) work together both. Everything happen after D-Day as does with almost every other case, except he didn't leave me, and I wanted to work it out, or I attempted. After the most horrible roller coaster ride of eight months, her calling, him and I arguing, the lost of 40 lbs, when things looked like they were getting better around March, we took another trip and when we return, he was arrested and lost his career of almost 20 years! She (OW) bailed him out and paid for attorney’s fees, I was told it was his father who bailed him out. Well here is where it gets even worse, he moved us into an apartment with the pretense that we needed to save $, when in reality the only items taken where mine, his were taken to her place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Since April my life has been unrecognizable I relocated 300 miles away and he followed saying he wanted to start a new life and leave her, the memories and the nightmare behind, that lasted a week and he left. This pattern happened 4 or five times in three months, my work again brought me back to my home area. Where since then he continues the back and forth, living basically with stuff in her home and mine. This is not only disgusting, but also so very embarrassing to say (this is why I haven't written since I am so embarressed). My God what has happened to me, to us, to respect! Where has it gone? He’s left again and I had enough!!!! I told him it was over (even though he’s heard it before), but I called the OW and spoke with her, seems like he tells us the same things, does the same thing and she is fed up but still took him back! I told her that I would no longer come between them and I was done, the doormat is done! I need to pick my self and my self-esteem up from the floor and stop the fear that I will be alone forever! Is this common? He is now asking again for me to believe him, he is moving into his own place (at the request of his therapist and wants to try again. I can't do this again, but I do love him (doesn't that sound pathetic? Has anyone heard of such a thing? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sorry for the Very Long topic, but I need your help!

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: onebreathatatime ]</small>

Hi onebreath

He is waffling it seems, can't make up his mind. Is he still seeing the OW. If so I would consider Plan B. I think this back and forth is just keeps the wounds to your heart open. I believe that the only way a M can be worked on is if the WS goes NC with the OP. In his case a NC letter should be written and you get final approval of the letter and you get to send it.

But I would get your Plan B letter written, and plan on doing NC with your WS. This is to protect you and your heart. Work on yourself. Be good to yourself.

Are you doing IC currently? It might help. Also keep reading here and posting here. You will get a lot of support here.

Silver

Onebreath, your situation sounds like the classic case of infidelity we see here every day. I am sorry you are here, but this is pretty standard stuff.

I don't think you can change your H, since it appears that cheating is a way of life for him. But I do think if there is any hope at all, it would be found in Plan B. With Plan B you will get one of two results, some peace because you detach from the situation and don't have your nose rubbed in the affair every day. You would be taking back control of your life.

OR his return once he realizes that the OW can't possibly meet all of his needs. He has been able to carry on this affair for a very long time because he always knew you would be in the wings to meet the needs not met by the OW. Essentially, you have probably enabled and prolonged his affair.

If you go into a serious Plan B and stick to your guns, he will quickly see that the OW can't possibly meet all of needs. As it is, he just has a willing harem and is moving back and forth when the spirit moves him. Who, in their right mind, wouldn't love that?!

So that this VERY DESTRUCTIVE pattern does not continue, you might want to stipulate that you won't even consider talking about reconcilation until he has ended contact with the OW and lives seperately for several months. You will need a major DEMONSTRATION that the affair has really ended and he come back to some semblance of SANITY.

If you decide to do this, it will be real important to stick with it and not cave when he calls. You have to cut off ALL CONTACT. I think you have done that in the past and caved so you are going to have to work doubletime to demonstrate your committment this time.

There are several good Plan B letters here, just do a search to get some guidelines.

I think you also have to be prepared to accept the possibility that this not an aberration of character with him, but a WAY OF LIFE. You cannot change people. And if this is a way of life with him, you need to accept that you cannot change him and ask yourself if you can live with adultery.

Have Faith Cookie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you silverthorn and melodylane for your replies, I know I am to blame <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> for this dragging on as long as it has. He leaves me and spends a day or two with her and immediately starts getting second thoughts. He says he wants to come clean and tell me everything she does to make him feel so good, he admits it's not the sex (if I even believe that) he says she is very mushy, caring and constantly admiring him and that is what he craves. When he's with me, I'm hurt and cry a lot and get angry that I've let him and her make me feel inadequate and I lash out! But when he is gone I miss him and to be extremely honest I miss US, the US that use to be, the US that for almost 10 years was comfortable and now I feel like I walk on egg shells all the time. He states he wants to move out and transfer from his current employer, but unfortunately most of the time HE is the one that contacts her, not the other way around. She has currently made him change his cell and email #'s and he still finds a way to call me? Does this make sense? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: onebreathatatime ]</small>

Okay OneBreath, I'm gonna take a 2x4 to you now. It's not my style, but something in the frantic nature of your posts makes me think you need it.

STOP IT!!!!!

There, I'm done. That didn't hurt much, did it? I hope not.

Now, let me explain what I mean. You're crying, you're losing your mind, you're embarrassed, you're frightened, you're running around the country, and you're letting this man walk all over your emotions and your Self.

Knock it off.

First stop: The doctor. Get yourself a thorough checkup AND a prescription for anti-depressants. I have BEEN where you are, and there is NOTHING you can do while your emotions are running screaming through your head and won't let you think. Until you get that under control, NOTHING else will happen.

Second stop: Stop showing him your emotions! I do not care what it takes to do this. You want this nightmare to end? Great! End it! From now on, if you MUST see him, then get all the screaming and crying and freaking out over with beforehand. Sit in your car and scream while you pound the steering wheel. Run and run and run. DO WHAT IT TAKES. But NO MORE CRYING.

Third stop: Stop LoveBusting! You may not know what that is, and that's all right. Just remember this: If you are not CALM, COURTEOUS, AND RESPECTFUL, don't say anything!

Fourth stop: Stop calling any counselor except the Harleys or Cerri/Penny (see www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com). You need REAL help.

This is first aid stuff I'm giving you right now. You've got a TON of stuff to do before you're out of critical condition, much less into any kind of personal or marital recovery.

Just J

I know it can be aggravating to hear me; I'm disgusted with myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ! But I sincerely thank you for your all your advice, unfortunately “I” at this moment can not afford to seek Dr. Harley advice, believe me everything is my life is maxed out <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

My confusion grows daily. My concern of how do I stop speaking or seeing him, when I am so scared that while I'm away she will win his entire heart? I know that what should be my priority or even my thoughts should be "getting on.... moving on.... and healing? Right?

I know I should be in a Plan B, a BIG plan B. This man is not in his senses, he is confused and when he is away from her he goes through these horrid withdrawals, even the way he looks at me changes, I’m tired of his lies and betrayals. But on the other hand just for a little while when he is still over at her end, he acts and looks like the man I once loved so very much. He acts so caring and giving, but the minute he returns (well not the minute three or four days later) he turns back into Mr. Hyde? Is this normal? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Or am I insane?

Dear Onebreath:

His actions are all perfectly normal. Perfectly normal??? Well, normal for a cake eating, fence sitting, BH anyway!!!

Now, what about your actions???? You want it to stop, but you continue to let him come back. Your actions are not consisent with your words, either. Until they become one and the same, he will not respect you enough to jump down from the fence.

Have you read SAA yet???? It's not very expensive and you can order it from this website.

My advice is to write a great Plan B letter and then stick with it!!! I know that's easier said than done but I believe there are Plan B support threads that you might get a lot of good help, advice and support from.


Good luck and BE STRONG!!!!
DB

Yikes! I've never double posted before! Must be Halloween!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: dazed blonde ]</small>

Dear One Breath at a time,

There is alot of good advised here. Take one day at time, as you take one breath at a time. Stay focus, and remain strong. Refused to talk to Mr. Hyde and speak only to an honest and truthful person.
Hang in there, princess

Mike 1500

Dear One breath at a time a time,

Be brave, you can do it. Call a friend and remember to breathe.

Mike1500