Hello all,

It's been awhile and I feel badly about it. I guess I needed to be away. Since I came back from Disneyworld with my D, I've been...well, let's say...a little embittered. Not outwardly...but I'm angrier.

Maybe it's because I had to listen to other chldren question my D while on vacation about where her father was and listen to her answer that he doesn't live with "us". HATED listening it...wanted more for her.

Maybe it's because I miss love...loving and being loved.

Maybe it's because I now believe my H is waiting for me to find someone else so people don't focus on him and his infidelity...he's done nothing with his lawyer. Basically, the letter came, I replied months ago and nothing happened.

Maybe it's because I can't stand his family's lack of confrontation...his son has been living in an apartment no one has yet acknowledged or seen...a secret, a lie....that they refuse to face.

When I returned from Disneyworld, an old and dear acquaintance (the sister of a friend), passed away...the mother of five children, the youngest being two. She was an amazing person, 38 years old...in love with her husband and her family. I ran into her last year when her cancer returned and she was undergoing chemotherapy but she looked amazing. She was upbeat, beautiful and hopeful. I continued to see her weekly due to our kids' dance lessons being the same and it served to inspire me in many ways but I just felt...well, that it was so unfair. My H...doesn't mind leaving his family while having the choice...she, on the other hand, had no options.

I'm indifferent to my H and still yearn for those days where things weren't so complicated.

So, in a nutshell, I just didn't want to share my embittered self with all of you unnecessarily.

I think of MB often, lurk when I can handle the pain and the memory of the hell...and most days, I just can't.

I try to stay positive for my D but she often asks for pictures of when I was "happy" which saddens me. I don't want to harm her growth in any way...and I thought I wasn't...but she's too perceptive.

Oh well...my prayers are with all of you and I thank MB for making me smarter and stronger in so many ways.

Terr:

Good 2 hear from you! We're not done with you, though! Keep coming back. You've still got personal recovery you're "responsible" for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (hit ol' 2long if it helps!), plus (and this is the real reason for this post) your loving, perceptive young daughter will help you find your inner happiness once again! Just think of her. I hope it will help.

Know that we care a great deal, okay?
♥2long

Doubularity!

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Thanks 2long, for your encouraging words. I think I'm experiencing more highs and lows lately...

Just need to work it out. And BTW, I am so very happy for your and your marriage. Congratulations!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think of MB often, lurk when I can handle the pain and the memory of the hell...and most days, I just can't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terrified,

That's one of the reasons MB Reunion was created. . . so you could stay in touch with MB friends but NOT read or deal with affair issues that can slow your progress.

I have actually found that having MB Reunion is the glue that is keeping me at MB proper...I stay there when I need a break and still talk to friends ... all affair topics are fobidden and referred back to MB (I wrote the poilcy myself)

You, and ANYONE else are welcome to join MB Reunion

I hope we can see you there!

way2

terr,

so good to hear from you..
think of you often...

wish things were different for you in thousands of ways..

wish you felt the strength to make the changes in you and your world which open the paths to the happiness you desire, deserve, and are worthy of...

I beleive that whatever emotion we are experiencing...
we can always make an action out of it...

what was your daughter for halloween..

five year old was a spider..(grandma made her)
four year old was robot... (target sale)
and two year old was a baloney and cheese sandwich too funny.... (I made that one)..

enough candy in this house to last a year ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
come on over and have some... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ARK

good to know that you're "ok".

bottom line, your H is a jerk. And I hope you stop grieving for him soon -- for your sake.

Hello Way, The MB reunion sounds good...I hadn't heard of it and perhaps when I feel up to it, I will visit...thank-you.

Dear Ark,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">think of you often... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm both glad and fortunate that you do...I return those thoughts. Don't forget about me, okay?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wish things were different for you in thousands of ways..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you do. I also know it's up to me to make them different...and in many ways, they are "different"...but I'm not yet happy about them. I keep thinking that one day, I'll wake up and feel that happiness and completeness...but just not happening...

My D was Barbie Rapunzel from Swan Lake...not creative but she wanted to be a princess...she chose the costume so she was tickled. Halloween was a beautiful day out our way...no jackets needed...so it was a wonderful day from morning to nighttime!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
five year old was a spider..(grandma made her)
four year old was robot... (target sale)
and two year old was a baloney and cheese sandwich too funny.... (I made that one)..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like an incredible family...would have loved to see you trick 'o treating! Is it okay to dream about what you have?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> come on over and have some... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would love to sometime...thanks for inviting!

love to you

Dear Lex,

Of course, I am deeply touched and grateful for you too. Sometimes, I'm just too embarassed to speak to anyone...I'm not sure what's gotten over me lately. I just wish I felt he was a jerk too.

Just remember him too well when he wasn't.

Lots of love to you too...

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>

One more thing I need help with...his sisters and our relationship...both have daughters that are close in age to my D's...I've been "friends" with both of them for 22 years (hung out with older sister at university and had many good times...but...it hurts too much to be with them right now. Normal? I just don't want to put myself in situations that I can't handle emotionally so I avoid them.

His older sister has left me several messages over the last four weeks. I love her but H is HER brother, right?

One of her messages is about taking Christmas pictures with our three D's...well, I'd like to have H handle that one with his sisters.

Shouldn't I bow out a little?

What do you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I returned from Disneyworld, an old and dear acquaintance (the sister of a friend), passed away...the mother of five children, the youngest being two. She was an amazing person, 38 years old...in love with her husband and her family. I ran into her last year when her cancer returned and she was undergoing chemotherapy but she looked amazing. She was upbeat, beautiful and hopeful. I continued to see her weekly due to our kids' dance lessons being the same and it served to inspire me in many ways but I just felt...well, that it was so unfair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hello TMCM,

Yes, it still pains me to see her children every week at the dance studio. Literally, there are tears in my eyes knowing their mother is gone...hopefully, to a much better place.

terr

Lets get real on this...

Maybe it's because I can't stand his family's lack of confrontation...his son has been living in an apartment no one has yet acknowledged or seen...a secret, a lie....that they refuse to face.

All of this..
all of it...can and should be replace not with anyone else but you...

the above paragraph if you were being honest would read..
I can't stand MY lack of confrontation.
a secret, a lie that I refuse to face...

I tip-toe around you because I don't want you to leave...because I don't think you have done enough action on your part to be and have all the things you desire...and yet tip-toeing around you serves you no better...

Your inaction is freezing you out emotionally and physically from life...

and yet it is your choice to do so...

One of her messages is about taking Christmas pictures with our three D's...well, I'd like to have H handle that one with his sisters.

call him and tell him that...

ARK

Okay Ark...

I'm dealing...I just came back a weekend at one of dear friends' 40th b-day parties. My D and I stayed the night in her new home in London. On my way home, I went to see another friend who also lives in London...had a coffee, talked and cried when Christmas was discussed. I drove to LONDON, went to a couples/family party without my H and appeared to be going on....although most people who know me think I'm HOLDING on...

I'm going through the motions...I went on a vacation with my D for HER...not for me. Hated every minute of being a noticeable single parent but I DID it...something I wouldn't have done six months ago.

Tell me/remind me...what is that I'm NOT doing because the only thing everythone is telling me to do is FILE. "Be the one"...they tell me..."because he'll never do it."

I'm even planning a 40th b-day party for another dear friend at my house...I'm out there now, you know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your inaction is freezing you out emotionally and physically from life... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I feel that way but what do you consider to be inaction...he'll never take my D to his place unless a lawyer forces it. He just refuses. I don't know what he's waiting for anymore...shouldn't he be pursuing some level of action? Isn't he also FROZEN?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> call him and tell him that...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And how about his sisters? Do I ask THEM to talk to him about these matters or do I hold on to these relationships?

And do I tell him that he should be arranging pictures with his sisters because I won't??

I'm shooting blanks, aren't I?

And by the way, I do honestly want your opinion.

As always, thank-you.

Damn... you were here in London and didn't let me know?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I would have loved to have you and your daughter here for a visit. The boys would have loved someone new to play with.

We've all been "tiptoeing" around your Terr, b/c we're afraid you'll break at the cold hard facts. You're emotionally fragile, and we worry about you. I think of you often, and sadly, I also want to bang my head up against a wall when I see how much time you've wasted by enabling your H for, gee... it's been 2 YEARS now Terr!! (if not more!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You've been given all the right advice, many times over, and yet you're still in the same situation. Why is that? I think it's because you're not IMPLEMENTING the tools you've been given. What are you afraid of? Things aren't working with what you're using now. You need to change things if you really want your M back.

Already I feel like I've been too harsh on you in here. But to anyone else on MB, it wouldn't be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Oh hon... I really do worry about you, and care about you. I hate seeing you so miserable. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

As far as your SIL's go... my opinion is for you to do what you feel is right in YOUR heart. If it's too much to be around them, tell them so, and stay away. If you miss them, for THEM (irregardless of their relationship to your H), then continue to do things with them. For your daughter, yes, it is ideal that she spend time with BOTH sides of her family (mommy's AND daddy's)... HOWEVER, it is NOT YOUR JOB to keep up the relationship with his side. That's his job and their job. Perhaps THAT is what's stressing you out? Trying to keep everyone together when you don't have that power? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Keep posting. Although I don't often reply to your threads anymore, I do read them when I get the chance. I mostly lurk now... but I'm still on at least once a day (scanning for familiar names and updates).

Take care,
Karen

Ter..

See I almost feel like a schmuck.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But actually I kind of like to see you rising to me and setting me straight...

It's a good thing....
Wish you would do it with your husband...

Your inactivity is not with your life and social calender so to speak...
it's your inability to confront any of the real issues between you and husband...

I agree 1000000000000% that he is the king of inactivity as well......Not of conflict avoiding since he loves to create conflict...
In fact his MO is to create conflict out of anything and everything but his own actions and own responsibility....

His inactivity is just as wrong as yours...
and not facing things does not remove the reality of the actions and its effects on your daughter...

What has HE told her about his life...
What questions has she asked and who has answered...
Does he answer her at all...or do you all the talking...

What about cleaing his crud out of your home and dropping it off...
done that yet..
Or just box it up and leave it by the door so if when he comes over..tell him to get his stuff...

I just think you have done and continue this his way...

Even for a minute fantasize you do want him back..
what actions are you doing to make movements towards that...

have you two ever ever sat down and talked about any of this like grown adults???

And do I tell him that he should be arranging pictures with his sisters because I won't??

Is the answer you won't...or is the answer you shouldn't..
because he has made it appear he does not want you in his life...should he not step in and take over the jobs you used to do??

Ask him..

what is the vision of your relationship in six months..

the same as today... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
uggh....

And what about the fantasy being planted in his head or the REALITY of the thought you have moved on...

HOW would this guy really react to the idea of another man being in his house...
NOT the thought...but actual reality....

which is two different things...way way different...

what about giving him what he appears to want...NOT in reality but plant the seeds it is occurring...

That would get a reaction...
what if he believed YOU did/have someone else interested in YOU>...

hhhhhmmmmmmm????

what would he say
what would he do...

what do you think he would say.
what do you thing he would do..

hhhmmmmmmmm

ARK

interesting ark....i've made that same suggestion for a couple years.

I have this hunch that her H will respond to what he doesn't want more than he will to what he does.

I've thought for a long time that he needed to see himself being replaced as daddy and man of the house. He needs to feel unwelcome and like he's intruding on a new family unit.

Instead for the last two years he's gotten to come and go as he pleases, not face the reality of where he's living, not have to act like a single dad.

T, I'm sorry. I care so much for you. But you have all these tools that you simply won't use. A SHORT plan A (3 months for women is a guideline) followed by PLAN B.

After all this time of conflict and anger and no plan, I don't even know what advice to give you anymore. Other than to try to advise you to ease your own pain and stop worrying about everyone else.

Do what pleases you. If you want to participate in pictures of the girls for your in-laws, then do it. Why analyze it to death? Just do what feels right and good to you.

Why would you stress out over such a simple thing?

I think you have such a strong attachment to his family. Since he's not taking any divorce action, why not jump right back into acting like a daughter-in-law?

Maybe thats your best strategy right now. Act as if you are a member of the family. Stop waiting for them to figure out some new relationship (its been 2 years and they haven't figured it out yet) Just go back to assuming you will be a part of everything. Force WH into taking more of a stand.

Maybe its time to jump headfirst into a plan A of sorts. Its definitely time to do SOMETHING!

Have you talked to Steve lately?