I am trying to get a pattern here. I know there is a pattern, a norm to everything. I would like to know from any women, or just anyone in general, once they moved out, how long did it take for them to realize they were wrong and should be home? Or, did they ever realize that and come home? What's the average time for a wayward wife to be away? How long does it take for her to "miss" her family?

My wife moved out July 31st. She said some HORRIBLE things before she left. My children spend most of the time with me (Thurs. - Mon.) and they ask her all the time for her to come home. Part of me feels she wants to come home, but she feels obligated to the other man AND she may feel that she has burned her bridges and cannot come home. She emailed me the other day to discuss what we will do with the kids for Xmas. She suggested that I come over her place Xmas eve. and spend the night so I could be there when they wake up Xmas morning. She then said I could take them with me later that day. I responded by saying that I cannot see how she can so easily discuss this and how I feel like I am going to vomit just picturing their little faces when they have to leave her. She got mad and said, "Never mind. We'll just have xmas separately".
I'm trying to get an idea of what is going on with her. She has left her family, her church (with whom she was close) and it apparently a loner (she makes sure that no one knows about this other guy). How long does it typically take? And what should I be doing? AND, is it quite possible that she will NEVER come back?
This guy has the strongest hold I've ever seen someone have on a person. She is VERY naive and I can easily see her staying with him for a long, long time.

and this...how can a woman forget all of her past not be affected by it? We are both 29. We met in high school, about age 16. We have SO much history together. How does a woman just turn on that? She HAS to remember all of what we have been through together, right? Two BEAUTIFUL children. So much history. Can a woman just put all of that behind her??

I'm by far no expert... but i will say that I was a WW... and for the longest the only fantasy I had was of moving to be with my OM. I was so sure that once I left my husband and got with him.. everything would fall in place. I have 2 kids as well and have been with my H since the tender age of 15 (we are both in our mid 30's now).

If someone would have told me that I wasn't in fact in love with the OM, I would tell them to kiss off and that they didn't know what true love was.

While I never actually left my husband, home or family, I definitely had dreams, fantasies and thoughts of doing so on a regularly basis. What stopped me is the reality of the whole situation and what a horrible decision that would be and whole jacked up for my kids.. So I guess my conscience (can't believe I actually had one after being the WW) stopped me from taking it any further.

I pray that all works out well for you and your wife. The people on this board have some very good solid advice, please take it and do your best to follow it. In the meantime, PRAY and keep your self occupied.

solon, my friend. i've read some of your other posts and i recommend -- before you do anything else -- that you visit the content portion of the mb web site and read everything you can about plan a. it's the best place for you to start.

also, a member named toomuchcoffeeman has a list of links in his post signature that are awesome. here's one of his posts so that you can use the links: toomuchcoffeman links. (you can ignore the post if you choose ... i was mostlt looking for the links here.)

you and your wife have both had affairs so there's a lot for you to overcome. be patient. be loving. and be the more attractive choice.

i am sorry that you're here. but it's smart that you are. open your eyes and mind and learn from the people here -- you'll be glad you did.

Hi, you asked for input from women who have left for another man. I left my husband, who I had been with for almost 13 years for the OM. The affair went on for 2 years before I left. I have been with the OM for 5 years now, 2 before I left and 3 since. He is now having an affair. I think you are exactly right about her feeling she has burnt her bridges. Also, in my experience, I felt that if I went back, I would just repeat my behavior. I especially feel that now, as it has been tempting to fall back to the ex, as I know he still loves me. But, after the pain that has been inflicted on me, I will never again put myself in a position to hurt another like that. I don't know what your wife really feels for the OM, but would you really want her to come back only because it didn't work out with him, and not because she really loves and wants to be with you? I think if I went back to my ex, I would initially be ok, but I would eventually get restless again and think the grass is greener somewhere else, because that is not where I truly want to be. This is just some honest insight from a former wayword wife.

Nurse, thanks for the honesty. It hurt to read your post because I know that may very well be the case; she just does not want to be here. It's sad because yet again, another family would be broken. But...what can one do?

I guess I better just get used to her not being here and start planning on a life without her.

Thanks

I am so sorry about your pain. I am not saying that there is no hope, there is always hope. But I do think you will be much better off to start to build a life. I am in a similar situation and have just come to the conclusion that my SO truly does not want to be with me, so I also have to try to rebuild my life. It is very hard and I know your pain. Also know this is not easy for your spouse either. I have seen and felt it from both perspectives, and I can tell you that being the BS is much more hurtful, but she is also confused and hurting too. It is much easier to stay and cheat then to leave to be with the OP, believe it or not. Reality sets in that the grass is not always greener.

I am sure the memories of your history together do have an effect on her, however, that is not always a good thing. Especially if your family and/or previous mutual friends know about the affair. There is embarassment for her as well as guilt.

Also, the children can have a significant impact on trying to patch things up. But, be careful, because you need to know that she wants you for you and not because its "the right thing to do" or because she misses her children. That is not always in the best interest of the children unless she is truly willing to try to save your relationship.

Good Luck, I hope for your sake that you can honestly make your marriage work. But, again, at this point I think making a life for yourself and trying to move on is what is best for you. I am certainly not a expert, just someone who shares your pain and has inflicted some of her own.

Hello,

You said that your wife is doing everything to make sure that nobody knows about her affair and her OM. The Harley's believe it is essential that everybody should know about her affairs. It is important that the light of day should be focused on the affair. Tell everybody you know that could possibly have some influence on her. By you keeping it a secret it actually enables her to continue the affair. I wish you luck.

solon ... "life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man. but sooner or later the man who wins, is the man who thinks he can."

please take some time to learn the principles here. if you want to save your marriage and family, you will.

my wife didn't want to come back, either. but she did. it wasn't easy ... it still isn't. but the result has been worth every effort.

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Nurse, thanks for the honesty. It hurt to read your post because I know that may very well be the case; she just does not want to be here. It's sad because yet again, another family would be broken. But...what can one do?

I guess I better just get used to her not being here and start planning on a life without her.

Thanks

Wow, Whippit! I could not imagine helping her move out. Everytime I think that she is gone I come close to vomitting. Your are a strong man!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong> solon ... "life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man. but sooner or later the man who wins, is the man who thinks he can."

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so inspiring. Sincerely! As day after day drags on my moods swing from angry to sad to numb and then hopeful. But it has been harder to be hopeful lately. Your quote gives me hope and no doubt to many others who read it.

solon ... thank you for your kind words. helping my wife move was part of my plan a. although she was unfaithful, she was still my wife and i made promises to her that i would be good husband.

helping her move was a fulfilment of those promises. it hurt like hell and it was a difficult thing to do.

but as i looked around, the man she thought she loved -- the om -- was nowhere to be found. i viewed this as a victory of sorts -- something for her to remember about my character, about my love for her, about what she would miss once she was out of the house.

i cannot stress to you how critical it is for you to learn the marriage builder principles and implement them. doing so may not save your marriage this time. but -- should you divorce -- it will save another marriage for you down the line.


monty: thank you ... it IS an awesome quote. vince lombardi. here's another:

"the price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task."

mild threadjack: are either of you (solon and monty) taking any antidepressants? it sounds like it might be a good idea if you're not already. i owe a lot of thanks to close friends, my family and lexapro (anti-d's) for helping me through the darkest part of this.

i started taking anti-d's six days prior to my d-day. it was one of the best things i did. within two weeks i felt like i hadn't felt in years.

i'm off them now for the most part and will take one for a few days when i begin to recognize that i'm slipping into a depressive cycle. (often times, though, i can avoid the cycle by managing my response to the stimulation that's causing it in the forst place.)

trust me, you may very well need this sort of help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong> mild threadjack: are either of you (solon and monty) taking any antidepressants? it sounds like it might be a good idea if you're not already. i owe a lot of thanks to close friends, my family and lexapro (anti-d's) for helping me through the darkest part of this.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whippit: I have been on Wellbutrin for 3 months now. I should have done much sooner. I felt so much anxiety I couldn't function and it also felt like heart trouble. You may have noticed in some of my earlier threads that impotence contributed to my marital problems. Is Lexapro better for a man than Wellbutrin, do you think? S. Harley suggested them to me in a consultation.

the sides i suffered with lexapro were rather mild. some dizziness and drowsiness. i also had some trouble with sex drive.

i could still become erect. i just didn't want to do anything with it once i was! anyhoo, it didn't matter much at the time because i wasn't having sex with anyone but me.

all sides ended within about three weeks. the great thing about lexapro is that it's a low dosage ssri (elevates seratonin). talk to your doc about it.

how often do you exercise? elevating your heartrate through exercise can have a major positive effect on your anxiety or depression. it also elevates seratonin. it's one of the ways i manage my depression. plus it's just plain good to do.

i don't know enough about impotence to know how the psychological and emotional specifically affects the physical ... but i'm guessing that they're tightly integrated.

to answer your question about wellbutrin ... i've only taken it to help me stop smoking about three or four years ago. it worked!

sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong> to answer your question about wellbutrin ... i've only taken it to help me stop smoking about three or four years ago. it worked!

sorry. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sherman sized Tanks to you, Whippit

Thanks again for the advice. I started taking lex earlier this year when she was being very, very hateful towards me because of this guy. I took it for about a month then stopped. I work out regularly and try really hard to keep active with the kids. I am not nearly as depressed as I was earlier this year. Now, at times I am depressed, angry when the kids cry because their mother is not there, very hurt when I think of how she must be giving her body to this man, but I carry on. My main thought is, will she ever snap out of it. I really think she will not. This guy has too strong of a hold on her. But then again, like Nurse suggested, she may just be using him as an outlet and really wanted out, away from me. I don't know.

I'll try and be strong and be kind and courteous as you were with your wife, Whippit. I want her to know how good of a man she left behind.

solon ... it's a good start. be the man that makes you proud.

some things to pass along that i don't think are in my journals:

1. my wife was venomous, too. when i was an emotional wreck -- way before d-day -- she told me it made her happy to see me in such pain, that she felt nothing but joy.

2. my wife's affair was intended as an exit affair (as nursedg suggests might be the case with your wife). on d-day she told me that if om were to call her and ask her to be with him, she would go in a heartbeat.

i mention these things because so much can change in a short span of time. and i was able accomplish these things because i always believed in our marriage and in my wife and in myself.

i knew that my marriage might not survive, but that if it was going to survive it would be because i actively and positvely participated in its rebound.

begin your plan a now. be the more attractive choice. if it's not successful, at least you know you did everything you could to save your marriage.

ot: is nursedg the same person as diamond girl?

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

NOPE, I'm not diamond girl, my name is Tammy.

I just wanted to give some more input. It has crossed my mind several times within the last several months to go back to my ex. I know he still loves me. He is a rock for me. It's sad to say, but when I feel hurt my first impulse is to run to my mother, the second is to run to my ex. I really think my current relationship is doomed, as he says he does not love me and does not want to try, and is still in contact with OW 5-6 days per week.

I may yet end up with my ex, but I just want to make sure that I go back because I really want to try again and not just for the comfort it provides me. I must add that my x and I have remained friends and talk easily after the initial pain for him made that possible.

I don't mean to give you the impression that your wife is never coming back, she may. And if that is what will make you happy, I hope she does. Hang in there; I'm trying but still going through that initial panic stage.