Oh, one other thing that may be of interest. My ex did file for divorce within first year after I left. That was 3 1/2 years ago and d still not final. I drug my feet for some reason. I now realize maybe it was because I wanted to keep the option open and did not really want the d. I know that sounds cold, but who knows what goes on in the deep recesses of a woman's mind.

Whippit, I never finished reading your story, but how long did it take for her to realize she was wrong and come home? Or did she? Last night I took the kids to a costume social at our church. My 4 yr old daughter dressed up as queen Esther and my son was a soldier. We had a BLAST. I took many pics and emailed them to her so she could see her children dressed up. This is just one of many events she has not included herself in. They called her after it was over, around 10pm but could not find her, at home or on her cell. They were saddened by that obviously, and of course, I was angry, still am.

But don't things like this grind on her, Nurse? I don't know if you were away from your children when you left, but wouldn't that tear at you? I cannot imagine not sharing in the joy my children have, not once. Doesn't this type of thing tear away at you? And if it does, is it possible that she is torn totally, to the point where she does not even feel anymore?

Whippit, I know of the cruel things said. Believe me, that hurts. But now, it hurts to see that she does not even care about her children. How can a mother turn her back on her children?? That does not even seem humane? Her children lie in bed crying because their mother is not there while at the same time she's lying in bed prostituting herself to a man that is not her husband. How does this happen???

Sorry for the diatribe, but my main question is how long would it take for her to say, "oh, my. my family is gone. I've left my family. I need to come back home".

your wife already knows what she's doing is wrong and is likely in quite a lot of pain.

have you read any of the books by harley? you'll learn that, yes, one of the things that's most difficult for people in affairs is leaving their children behind, not being involved in events like yours last friday.

now, to answer your question. it's going to take as long as it takes for your wife to have her 'come to jesus,' where she begins to emerge from the fog. it will happen when it happens and not a moment sooner.

i know it's not the answer you were looking for, but it's reality. you began this post wanting to know the patterns.

the patterns apply mostly to behaviors. we kind of joke about the "wayward spouse script" around here, because almost all of us betrayeds hear the same words and see the same behaviors ("i love you, but i'm not in love with you," and "i just need to have some space to think through things" are very common).

but when it comes to timelines, we learn that these things are more general and that you must control them. you cannot be in plan A forever ... emotionally you just won't be able to do it. plus, there comes a point when you reach diminishing returns and have to move to plan B to protect yourself and your family from the pain your wife is dishing out.

have you read about plan A and plan B? if not, you should do so immediately. read about them here: what are plan A and plan B?.

this is hard work, no question. you can either be proactive or reactive, a participant or a victim. which will you choose?

Well, I can only give insight based on my own personal experience and feelings. You can go to my thread (under Just found out- Give my your opinions please) to read the whole sordid story.

I was only away from my children for a short time, and had frequent contact. The bottom line is, my husband has moved on with his life. I am just now "out of the fog" I guess you could say. I am just now realizing what I gave up and how much pain I caused to him, our families and our children for my own selfish reasons. It is selfish and immature.

The mature thing is to talk to each other, tell each other what you need and want to keep yourselves and each other happy. I have just now, at 35, learned that. But, I also know that no amount of talking or reasoning on his part could make me do it. I had to come to that conclusion on my own, and only after I had the same thing inflicted upon me.

So, There IS Hope. I now know I want my husband, but he may not want me. I just had to get away from the OM before I could see this. This is 5 years since the start of my A and 3 1/2 years since I left my husband. I never stopped loving my husband in a fundamental way. I just thought I had moved on to something better. Wrong!!!

Tammy

I wouldn't mind hearing more from WW who left home because of the OM, or who refuse to break of the A.

Maybe I can use the stories to break through the fog my WW is in.

I love her and I want her back as my wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
Maybe I can use the stories to break through the fog my WW is in.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it won't work. it's gotta happen on its own.

my wife is in the fog to i dont live with her she is having a with a coworker. she doesnt care about noone but her self my 3 kids is home all day alone. my 15yrd takes care of the young one she gets home late every day from work cause is with the other man. iam in plan a but i would like to know what can i do to get her away from the coworker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

lets her from some other women ws thanks

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It just goes to show that only 3% of affairs end in marriage and 75% of those marriages end in divorce due to - - infidelity.

If they do it with you they will do it to you.

Maybe the answer is to not remarry. That way you don't hurt another BS or become a BS. The pain really smarts doesn't it.

Beau