Long time, first time. Me - 43. Her 37. Married 10 years, 2 kids. I discovered 3 weeks ago she was having an emotional affair for the past year which she confirmed when confronted. We had been in counseling for the past year after "reuniting" and relocating to a new city after 5 years of me working out of town and essentially being home an average of 8 days a month. We both knew we'd grown apart and had issues but my love never wavered and I always worked toward this end. At this time, we've committed to staying together and we seem to have opened a new chapter in communicating with each other. One based more on emotions and being responsible for our own feelings. Overall, this is very good and I feel hopeful for the future. Unfortunately, I'm going through some of the natural mind processes that are driving me crazy: severe mood swings and deep depression, disatisfaction with "edited-for-my-feelings" account of affair and answers, believability of whether the affair was truly EA and not EA + PA, loss of trust and the desire to give some back but ??? And of course, the overwhelming feeling that I've sufferred more and am working so much harder at repairing this than she is. The impression that she doesn't really want to get closer and is only riding this out "to see what happens". This isn't necessarily true but it is a strong feeling. Common sense tells me it going to take time and it's going to be very hard. It also tells me that we both need to change. But why do I feel this is so one-sided at the moment? --Admaker

Is she still in contact with the OM?

The short answer to why you feel it is one-sided is "withdrawal". Until she is through that, there is not going to be all that much progress on her part. Your severe mood swings and depression are typical, by the way. To learn more about the recovery process, click on the link in my signature line.

AM - She broke off contact 2 weeks ago but I can't believe she's over the attachment and can only trust she's not in contact. John - thanks for the link. I'll check into it the withdrawal issue. I've done a lot of reading including "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and find it very helpful for dealing with my own side of things. I feel I'm open to understanding her side but need to explore it more. And of course, we are both communicating and are quite aware of the dance to led to the affair in the first place. Thanks again...--Admaker

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: Admaker ]</small>

Admaker:

If she just stopped contact 2 weeks ago, you've probably got several months of withdrawal 2 go through. Keep reading and learning (Your choice of reading material is excellent, by the way, but there are other very good publications you might want 2 look in2 as well). Get in2 counseling, 2th individual and joint.

And be patient. If your W is truly trying 2 rebuild with you, then you need 2 make sure that your mood swings don't cause you 2 "love bust" (LB). Each LB resets the clock of recovery, so 2 speak (take it from me - I LBed for almost a year and a half!).

Recovering from a spouse's affair (A) is a process that can take years. Once true recovery begins, however, the rewards are so worthwhile you'll be glad you stayed the course!

All my best,
-2long

ddoouubbllee ppoosstt!!

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've done a lot of reading including "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the only book outside of his own that I have ever heard Harley recommend. I suppose I should add it somewhere in my signature line link, but never having read it myself, I am not sure what to say about it.