My wife felt that I didn't love her, she felt I wouldn't care anyway nor would I be hurt. She is a loving and caring person for the most part. I don't think she has realized how many hearts will be affected by this affair. She seems to be full of guilt and hurting inside herself. Do I support her or remind her how many people will be devistated if this continues or once it is discovered. Right now, I may be the only one who knows. I have offered forgiveness, but I am possessed with discovery without her knowledge, I am consumed with it. What do I do with the information that I have.

wp

Lots of questions here.

How long has the affair been going?

Is it just emotional or has it gone physical?

Is the other man married or single?

Has she or have they ended the affair?

If so has she made arrangements to make sure she has no future contact with him...if possible?

Does she want to rebuild your marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wp:

I trusted my wife completely, On 9/12/03 she told me that she didn't want to be married any more. That there was no one else, she just couldn't take the stress anymore. I had trusted her completely and now have discovered that I was just blind.

There has been communications between them for at least 18 months, but it has progressed over the last couple of months.

The signs were there and back tracking her lies has been fairly easy. I am torn in half. I think she is too. I have told her that I know about the other person, without releasing specific information. Each time she talks to him, he convinces her that I don't know any thing. Both are married with children. She is leaving tommorow. He is still living with his wife. A week ago, she said she was sorry and asked if I would try to work things out. She went to break up with him and asked me just to trust her on this,it was something she had to do face to face,and she would be home is just a little bit. When she returned 4 hours later, she had been crying, she said that she just had to leave at least for a while, she was confused.

Both are advancing this relationship at thier separate work places, I know that she is convince he will leave his wife, but she has to clear the path. They could easily avoid all contact,but I feel that he has mental control over her. I am not for sure that, he hasn't threatened to go public with the whole story.

I am trying plan A. But sometimes, when I know that she has called him, I just dive right back into depression. I think she is very ashamed that she has allowed this to happen, but she is not sorry for her feelings towards him. She has said, we can't work things out because she has done too much damage. I am afraid that, my only chance is that, she never knows how much I know or all the details.

Do I tell her what I know, Do I tell his wife, Do I tell his boss? Do I keep monitoring the situation, do I take a tough love approach? We have told the kids that our separtation is because we need some time apart. I feel like I have lied to them. If I tell his wife and she kicks him out, I think it will just open the door. Both had a lot to lose by discovery, my wife has already released her rights to our home, and signed documents giving me 50/50 custody with no child support or spouse support.

I doubt if his wife will do the same?

You can tell by her voice and comments that she has little or no confidence that this affair will last, but she can't just kill it. She is disrespecting me, by calling him from my house. She isn't aware that I know what she is doing it. I have a way of monitoring her somewhat, I know that if I give that information to her, she will change her tactics. Do I mention Divorce, based on adultery, do I tell her that I will try to take the kids.

Please give me some advice.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of Plan A is confronting the OP's spouse with the truth of the affair whether or not the WS ends the affair after D-day. Furthermore, if the WS is still not willing to end the A after d-day, the BS must expose the truth to close friends and family as well. If they are co-workers then you must also expose their affair to both their superiors, for most companies frown upon affairs due to the possibility of becoming liable, not to mention the bad publicity it would bring if the media got a hold of it. Why is exposure necessary? because affairs are based on fantasy, and there is nothing that hastens the destruction of a fantasy than the introduction of cold, hard reality. Exposure has NOTHING to do with spite or revenge, but with destroying the affair.

Communications have been going on for at least 18 months. I think that it has become physical this summer. The other man is married with children.
She says I am making more of this then what it is.

I am almost certain that it is a past boyfriend, that had cheated on her when I came into the picture 20 years ago when she was 18. I can easily verify it, but I am afraid that if I do, and they are not ready to end this. Then they will just become smarter. There are alot of facts I can't prove, and still a lot of questions. I think if I show my hand now, I may never find out the truth. She went to break up with him last week. She said she had to do it face to face. She had broken down crying that day and asked if I thought we could recover, or did I want her out of my life. I said, I never wanted her out. When she left, She said, I know that I am asking for alot, butjust trust me this time, I will be home in a little bit. 4 hours later, when she returned, she had been crying, she said, she had to leave for a while, just to be patient. She is moving out today.

wp

If your WW isn't willing to end the A then bring it to light. Let everyone know. The OMW needs to know. As TMCM says, inform the supervisors. Tell your family, tell hers, tell the friends.

Time for some truth and light. And, don't tell your WW what your doing, just doing it. Her A is full of lies and deceit. TMCM is right you need to expose the A.

Keep on Plan A, but prepare for Plan B. Hopefully your W will do NC. I do think that NC needs to be established.

Expose, expose, expose...tell, tell, tell. Confront, confront, confront. Did I mention you should expose, tell, and confront?? Expose the A to anyone you think can help you end it. It's not cruel, or vincictive. Having an A is cruel and vindictive. Exposing it are just releasing the consequences of the A. Have you thought about confronting the OM? This isn't for everybody, but I suggest it. Showing them there is a real person on the other end of his A (who's usually not very happy with them) is usually a good way to create stress in the A. Also, for crying out loud tell his W. And don't use the excuse "it's not my place". Bull! It's not the place of your W and her H to have an A, but they're doing it. When I confronted my W's OM (and told his W at the some time) that was pretty much a deal breaker for the A. He immediately went where my W works, told her I need to "stay out of his business" (and yes they do rationilze it this way) and then he grabbed my W by the shoulders and slammed her (rather hard) into a wall and yelled at her some more. Needless to say the A died a pretty horrid death. It is a pisser that he got violent with her (in public, with lots of witnesses), but it was a result of thier own actions not mine. The single best way to end an affair, is to expose it. If they work at the same company, tell the boss. Companies LOOOVE it when thier employees engage in this type of activity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

MTD