Ok, so I have been talking to the other persons spouse for the past 2 weeks. I did not know him until recently. Now that we have started talking to each other we are able to put together a lot of the puzzle pieces that were missing before. Our wayward spouses do not know that we have met (he lives in another town about an hour away)
We talk on the phone every day. Sometimes for over an hour. We have gotten together a couple of times.
Do you see where I am going with this? I wonder how many other BS's have found themeselves becoming involved with the other persons spouse? We share a common traumatic event at the same time. He knows what I am going through, because he is going through it at the same time. We have been able to repair some of the damage done to our brusied self image. he tells me I am beautiful, and I don't deserve this. I tell him he is sexy and doesn't deserve it either. I know this is not helping my marriage, please don't be harsh with me. But I finally feel better about myself. And I honestly think others out there have probably been through this before.
Talk to me..........

I hear what you are saying the it can easily happen. If he is going through similar, can you direct him here?

Even here that can happen. That is why it is better to keep postings to the forum esp between M & W.

The BS has needs, often they are not being met but to go and get them met in other ways is not healthy to all involved.

Take care. That BS needs help also but the right kind. Be a friend and direct him to get help from a support group/books/doctor/family etc. that will do so without the emotional attachment of an R.

L.

woman of faith - I am in the same situation as you. OW's H was called up to active duty during the Iraq war. He was only gone one week when A started. The night he came home his 12 year old had decorated the whole house with welcome home posters, but spent the whole night crying, because the OW had told her she was having an EA with my H. The next day I spoke to him and showed him the motel bills. He was very devastated, but we became allies. One days I was walking the dog and crying (OW lives down the street), and he stopped and gave me a big hug, and told me I didn't deserve this. A few days later he told me all the things he loves about OW - one was that she is a perfectionist and keeps a perfect house. I invited him to come see my house, which is very clean, but at that time is total disrepair. The bathroom ceiling falling in, one toilet not working for 2 years, faucets leaking, etc. He got a big kick out of that. In August he suggested we have a revenge ONS. I told him that we don't want to be like THEM. Since then it has just been a supportive friendship. And he is cute, cute, cute! He works 2 jobs, and is in reserves, plus does lots of things with his D (OW is too busy with my H). He has been a great support and I think it has been a good thing for both of us. You just have to remember how vulnerable you are right now and keep appropriate boundaries. And a side note - I am a Christian, H is a Christian, and OW is a Christian. OW's H is not, and he has been the best behaved of all of us. Something to think about.

Ok believer - you are getting close to what I am talking about here - when you say he is cute cute cute! I hear the same words I am saying myself.
The guy I am talking about is too. You and I both know how vulnerable we are right now. When he said to me "I thought when a man left his wfie for another woman he was supposed to upgrade - but your husband clearly did not. I know what he is getting and it isn't as good as you" it was the nicest thing I have heard in a long time.
I know I am becoming emotionally involved. I know that we could never really have a relationship. But I look at him and think "he seems so sweet, so kind, what is she thinking of???"
Believer, I would like to have you email me, if you don't mind, at womanoffaith5@yahoo.com
PS - this man is a believer.

Well its very tempting to want to even the score that's why revenge affairs are pretty common.

Of course most of the time its not the OP's betrayed spouse.

OM's wife actually suggested just that. At the time I almost considered it not so much to get back at my wife but to get back at him. Couldn't do it though because it goes against my beliefs...tempting but still just not me.

Just keep in mind right now you are traumatized. And you are in shock and not thinking clearly. My advice would be to not do anything you might regret later when your shock and rage subsides.

I will tell you this from a man's standpoint someone in his shoes might very well feel the best way to get back at the OM is to bed his wife.

So at least be on your guard and recognize this man may have less than honorable intentions.

Believe me if the OM's wife had been more attractive I might have had a harder time holding my ground because my self esteem was shot to heck and back....heck it was so low I didn't have any at the time.

stunned - Thanks for the warning. Of course we women always forget what dogs men can be. However sure did make me feel good. Just goes to show that what WS is giving up might look GOOD to someone else. OW told my H that her H didn't meet her emotional needs. He was working 2 jobs, and in the reserves just so she could stay home. Wait till she gets to know my H. Can hardly work one job, is very high maintenance and does nothing around the house, and needs? Only HIS count. But I found out a lot from OM and I'm glad we have a friendship. We women just have to remember how men are. Sorry guys, I don't mean to slam you but let's face it - women and men are different.

Hi Beleiver

What slam. God designed these differences. Most men if they have no moral center would sleep with anyone and anything with two legs. Ever wonder why God commanded Husbands to Love their Wives but didn't tell Wives to love their Husbands.

Its our differences that make us compatable.

I just wish that Wives and women in general would remember that a lot of men would, say anything, do anything, and travel any distance for SF.

I'm sorry to threadjack, and I'm sorry if I sound rude, but this...

Of course we women always forget what dogs men can be.

is something I have been hearing a lot of lately from the ladies on this board. There are a lot of betrayed H's here too ladies. Not all men are dogs. Not all women are tramps. Actually, very few on each side I like to believe. But please, stop the sexist stuff..pretty please, with lots and lots of sugar and whipped cream and cherries. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks

MTD

Edited to add:

Silver...SF is actually rather low on my list of EN's. But thanks for the generalization. I'm not offended at all.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ November 01, 2003, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: madly_truly_deeply ]</small>

Stunned Dad gave some good insight, and I just want to echo MTD 's post. To make a generalization comparing men to dogs is really not helping either gender, especially with so many wounded here at this site. And women can be just as greedy about "getting back" as betrayed men can be. We're all unique!

And SF was low on my H's list of ENs too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's why there are so many named and unnamed ENs, enough to make relationships interesting.

womanoffaith5,

I talk to OMExW. I met her only onced. It is very helpfull to put the pieces together with the help of OPSO (other person significant other). However you have recognize the danger of it. I was about to cut the contact with her and only notify me the big events. However she is co-depended type and clinging to OM. Earlier in the contact she hinted the idea of going out w/ her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ... it is not that she is not attractive but it is morally wrong. I closed the idea from the get go. I am playing "layman conselor" - venting board for her. I switched my hat from OPSO to conselor. I am just a venting wall for her. I helped her to get her finance together so she bought the house out from OM. I helped her realized that it is not about her or my ExW but OM itself. Now I am helping her to realize that she is not crazy but insane. It is hard for me even I am emotionally detached already from my ExW. I will support her to get there like I would help anyone else who cross path with me.

My advice for you, don't play w/ fire, specially if you want your M back.

What it is in it for you to continue contact ?. Don't tell me curiousity ... you could get killed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

-rh-

Thanks avondale25.

And SF was low on my H's list of ENs too.

Actually for me it's in the middle, but for guys I guess that's considered low <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Since I threadjacked I will try to make up for it by offering my $.02.

WOF5, I did the whole "revenge" A thing. Doesn't work. Matter of fact, makes you feel worse. Kind of a "Hey, look how I can take myself to thier level!" type of thing. Trust me, it doesn't work and you WILL feel terrible afterwards.

So....I know better than to get involved in a revenge A or even a rebound type relationship. But, please forgive me for saying this, but it has been 4 months and I really miss having sex. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I have not gone this long w/o sex since before I was married, and it is really driving me crazy. How in the world do you deal with that?

not with a 10' pole..................... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
<strong>How in the world do you deal with that? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since you asked I will blunt too ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

For male ... left hand or right hand diet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . For female ... I let ladies to answer that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> or battery operated toys from good vibrations <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

I found a better alternative ... get really busy and make yourself tired work out. Don't have time even to think it and have energy to do it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . The left over is for lurking & posting at MB.

-rh-

So what's so bad about dogs! Dogs are loyal...

A.M.-Haven't heard from you in awhile - how are you doing??? You are up late.

Not so late where I am, but thanks for asking WoF! H is out of town for several weeks, OW has high-tailed back to her native clime (duration and motive unknown, but widely speculated), so I'm doing pretty well! I rather wish neither of them would return, ever again.

Dog? I'd take a dog anytime! So while your point about sexism is appreciated, TMD -- I'm not sure it wasn't the dog that was insulted!

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

To all the men here that have been betrayed, my deepest apologies. It was very thoughtless of me to post what I did. In my pain I have forgotten that there are a lot of good men out there- HUGS to each one of you.