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Finally it arrived.

Presently I am reading about differentiation and it is explaining A LOT in my life (most notably, the men in my life & the role they played in my differentiation).

I am amazed at how a book about marriage and sex can be about so much else. Any person interested in growing needs to read this book. Any person truly interested in answers and truth and who they are needs to read this book. I could go on...but, just read the book. I am not even halfway through and I have these impressions.

Thanks for the recommendation, Pep.

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Who is the author and does the book talk about how to put the passion back into your marriage?

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Just for a little sense of scale...after D-Day, we went for MC at the Schnarch outfit (actually, with Schnarch's wife and professional partner). My H was determined to restore our marriage.

Wonderful counseling. Unfortunately, she tended to minimize the A that had just "ended."

Within two weeks after an intensive 5-day counseling, H resumed contact with OW, and everything we gained went down the tubes. H was lying to the counselor as well as to me.

He lied about renewing contact. I found out why we weren't "recovering" about a month later. Two weeks after that I turfed him out.

So...great counseling. But I don't necessarily recommend it if you are in the throes of A recovery.

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veronique,

Yes, the book discussed that and much more. The author is David Schnarch.

A.M. Martin,

I am sorry about this outcome in your situation. I can't say whether his book, methods, or approach would help or hinder an affair recovery. I do wonder what the outcome would be if your husband had been honest with you and the counselor. Anyway, I'm very sorry he wasn't, but maybe the book would be of interest to you as an individual. It certainly is to me, and never more so than when my marriage is a failure (in all but the parenting aspect--I'm married on paper, basically) and my affair is over. I have never felt more at peace, more forgiving, and more interested in growth (mine especially).

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Oh yes, the book is excellent. I did recommend it to counselors. Didn't mean to make it sound otherwise.

I bet the Harleys would have nailed the lies, though!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:

Within two weeks after an intensive 5-day counseling, H resumed contact with OW, and everything we gained went down the tubes. H was lying to the counselor as well as to me.

He lied about renewing contact. I found out why we weren't "recovering" about a month later. Two weeks after that I turfed him out.

So...great counseling. But I don't necessarily recommend it if you are in the throes of A recovery.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A few months ago, a WW who was still involved with her OM, posted that she tried counseling with one of the Harley's (I beleived she said it was Jennifer Harley Chalmers) ans was told that they don't do counseling with a WS that is still involved with the OP. I guess experience has shown that it is a total waste of time to counsel with someone who was NOT serious about rebuilding the marriage.

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Oh gee, I didn't want to hijack this thread. I think the world of the Schnarchs, and the book is a good one. I just didn't want anyone to think that they would be the best choice for counseling on infidelity, or recovery thereof. Of course, H said the A was all over -- perhaps it was at that point. But he definitely minimized the seriousness of the involvement -- I wish they'd been able to tip me off.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by terminator:

I am amazed at how a book about marriage and sex can be about so much else. Any person interested in growing needs to read this book. Any person truly interested in answers and truth and who they are needs to read this book. I could go on...but, just read the book. I am not even halfway through and I have these impressions.

Thanks for the recommendation, Pep.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought you would find this book stimulating! You and I have a lot in common .... the way we think is very similar. I don't recommend it to every person, but for someone like yourself, who loves to look at life through a spiritual/intellectual prism .... Schnasrch is such a perfect fit. He is a bit didactic in his tone, but I knew that wouldn't bother you.

Love,

Pep


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term:

Pepper and H4F recommended that book 2 me over a year ago. 2 this day, it and Greg Baer's CDs, "The Truth About Relationships" are the only things my W has read or listened 2 [edit: I've read sections of Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" 2 her as well, I just remembered]

PM really intrigued me, and my W as well. It "worked" precisely because it wasn't about recovering from an A, but the lessons in it, particularly the "differentiation" and "building your crucible" sections, are indespensible for either a WS or a BS who want 2 become "emotionally healthy" individuals capable of being in a committed relationship like M.

I'd like her 2 read Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends", 2, but I think I'd better read it myself first! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-ol' 2long

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

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Hi all,

Yes, it is a great book. I do admit I have a bias toward books and methods that deal with the self, singly--I place a lot less importance on pairing than I used to! Not that I'm not very happy for people who have been successful at pairing (or re-pairing), but...

You know, Pep, he may be a little didactic--but if, as is usually the case, it means the person KNOWs whereof s/he speaks, and speaks with conviction, well...I can't fault didacticism in those cases. This man has really, really invested himself in a lot of people and situations and presents it so well.

A must-read. I have this list of people I want to email and tell that they MUST read this book.

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I had 2 look up "didactic", and I have a PhD!

...which means I'm a professional Post-hole Digger!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> 2long


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