When my husband and I first got together he told me that he enjoys looking at women. I gave him some playboys and that was all the further that it went. When we got a computer he started visiting porn sites often. This really bothered me and I told him but he says that it's nothing. When he does this, it makes me feel inadequate, or like I am not good enough for him to look at.
Recently we started having problems again. Although this time he is chatting with other women and posted himself a personal ad on Eroticy. He said that he was looking for discreet relationships and other things. This has hurt me so bad. But he does not seem to understand that. Now he does not know if he wants to be with me anymore. I asked him what I am not doing for him but he does not have an answer.
I would just like our communication to be better and I would like him to stop looking at others. I, myself have no desire to be with anyone else, so why does he.
Please give me some advice and let me know how I can deal with this. We have three children together and I love him very much. I don't want this to ruin our marriage.

Been there, done that. I am convinced that a pornography addiction led to my H's A. Research on the subject is obviously political -- but my own tends to confirm that the power of pornography quickly changes our idea of ourselves and what we are entitled to. It changes our idea of what is "normal."

Don't let anyone talk you out of your concerns.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Isis8135:
<strong> Now he does not know if he wants to be with me anymore. I asked him what I am not doing for him but he does not have an answer.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you tell him how much you want your marriage to work out? Will he agree to set a block of months aside for you both to devote yourselves to recreating a passionate commitment to each other? Would he read and participate in the questionnaires and explanatory material from this site?

When my H was addicted to the net and the women he met there, he was really searching for something. He didn't know what it was, although he knew he was going about it the wrong way. He is/was not good at communicating his feelings, or even thinking deeply about what it is he was feeling. It took me forcing the issue for many months to help to the point where he figured out what was missing, and what I could do to help. In his case, he was meeting his needs for admiration and affection online. Once I began working on meeting those needs, he found himself much less interested in talking to women online.

Here are a few things to consider:

1. Ask your H to list the +/- of porn on your M.
2. Ask him to list the +/- of porn on your children.
This is basic but he needs to see it in writing.
3. The negative shoudl outway the postive. Use this as a gauge.

4. Find a good MC and give them the list from items 1 & 2. You can do phone counseling with Steve here at MB.

5. Get yourself and then ask your H t/b tested for STD. Even if he says he hasn't done the dirty deed yet, tell him you aren't sure of that so go do it anyway.

6. Read up on the all the info here. Concepts section above contains the emotional needs questionnaire. Porn is a big problem and often leads to A. It is like the teaser or trailer on a movie. It is meant to stimulate the appetite for the A.

7. Read the books: Surviving and Affair and His needs/Her needs both by Dr. W. Harley. Then read the book love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. It is important you know what you are up against.

8. Watch your finances. Often Porn leads to ONS, massage palors, etc. These cost $$.

9. See if you can install a type of key tracking software on your family computer.

10. Put the computer in an open area (like the dining room. Makes it hard to look at porn if he knows others have access to the same computer or it is out in the open.

11. If you are strong enough, learn about your options for separation and D so if it ever comes up, you will know when he is babbling to you or telling you the truth.

There is a lot to learn. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. You will need both.

take care,
L.

Most of all, the porn addiction will turn YOU into someone you won't recognize. It did me. Do some reading up. "Affair of the Mind" has a christian theme, which you may or may not like, but it describes the journey of one woman who has been there, done that, and does summarize some of the research.

www.characterlink.com (or is it org?) is the strongest filter I know, though others of you may know others. It's humiliating to feel like you have to put diapers on your H, even with his consent.