I am new to this site and I've got to say I wished I would have found it years ago.
In 1997 my spouse and I separated and during the separation I found out he was actually having an affair. It totally shocked me because all seemed fine except that I noticed our sex life was suffering. I actually had no clue we were having problems till a week or so before he decided to move out. He came home from work one day and said he was unhappy. He had a total personality change. He started being ugly to our children and really acting strange. I felt like he was having some sort of breakdown because he threatened to hurt one of our children just for hugging him. So unlike him.
Anyway it turned out he was seeing one of my "friends". I found out while we were separated just a few weeks before our divorce was final. I confronted him and of course he denied it but I started making plans to go on with life and let him know I knew for sure that he was having an affair and that I was going on with life (selling our house, buying a house of my own, changing churches to my own church, making my own friends, getting counseling for me and the children, etc.) When he realized I was going on he broke off the affair and came back.
We have been working on the marriage ever since.
As I read the information on this site I realize that the things we have been doing on our own has been totally correct, at least according to the information here. We've been together since January of 1998 and things have been super. He has never made contact with the OW. He broke it off completely and when she paged him he called me and had me return her call. He has been a perfect gentleman and been very patient when my doubts and hurts came forth. He always makes sure I know where he is or is going to be. Our romance has been great. He calls all the time during work and text messages too. I feel like things have been on the up and up. We've moved out of state to a new job and this helps to get a fresh start. We spend more than 15 hours a week together. We are best friends and spend all our extra time together.
Now, here is the problem. Recently, in the last couple of months his sex drive has been off. He is 48 so he could be going through some physical things. When he realized that it was really causing me grief (that old fear crept up, does it ever go away?) he went to see a physician who said everything was fine. He swears that he is not seeing anyone but just does not know why his drive is out of whack. He was given prescription meds (Levitra,Viagra) which sometimes really don't work. They say that you still have to be stimulated for them to work so of course I have this fear that it is me.
After reading the Basic Concepts and all about Love Busters the only thing I feel like we are both lacking is this problem. I am a little overweight and I know that this would probably be a priority for him even though he says it is not. He has always had a problem with overweight people until he started going bald.
Of course, on the other hand I am lacking sexual fulfillment.
Could this be our problem. I have been trying to lose weight anyway, but could his problem still be physical. I would like to say that all of this after this many years does not bother me but it does. He has been doing all kinds of things romantically. But I can say that he kind of did that before A. I absolutely did not have a clue before. It was a total shock to everyone who knew us. He held my hand in church until two weeks before he left.
He keeps assuring me that he is not seeing anyone but I also know he wouldn't just admit it. Who could we see that would be able to prove this is some sort of mid-life thing. The physician says his testosterone levels are fine. Could this be wrong.
I know I am rambling but I absolutely could not find this problem in the Q&A. I am not sure how to get around in here yet, though.
By the way we've been married a total of 18 years this January.
