Community!

I need your help. I am new here.

I have not really been unfaithful to my husband but I am attracted to other people and I have not figured out how to manage dealing with that attraction. I either come off as assexual or overtly sexual. I have a tendency to "go overboard" and am somewhat of a romantic, I find myself thinking about one person for a period of time. Like someone at the office for a few months, and I think about them all the time, and the attraction developing and what they did or said. Testing out if they are attracted to me too. It is so horrible and dumb, but I seem to operate that way, so I have to face it. I have only been married for a year and had an infatuation at work, that I never did anything about, but i am no longer at that job, and was afraid of what might happen eventual, or just embarrassing myself professionally. I start caring about the real or imaginary build up of a first kiss or first intimacy and fantasize abotu that moment.

Recently, I got a "crush" on my prof. at a class I am taking. I started thinking about him. I thought about him alot. Just thought he was cute, sexy, whatever. Dress up for class a bit more, care about how he thinks of me. Then I went to party with him and at a moment, he looked at me, I looked at hima nd we kissed. That's all. But I dont know how to deal with this one thing and really that this is a pattern. It's just that this time I had the opportunity.

I'm scared. I don't want to be this way. I need advice on what to do about the pattern and also with this prof. He is single, I gather, and invited me out after that. I said no, but I will see him every week. I havent mentioned this to my husband b/c i want to understand it better first. I want to do my hoemwork to understand what it going on with me. I doubt my husband will care that much that I kissed someone, and he will forgive me when i explain. But i havent told him this is a pattern of thinkign about other men. Our sex life is good and I desire my husband too.

I think I like to feel like people are attracted to me and also that new excitement and first kiss. Also I live in NYC now so I am constantly meeting people.

Thanks for any thoughts/advice!

jeez:

Well, you're not unusual, so don't be alarmed there. I don't know if there's something missing in your M that might lead you 2 behave this way, but there might be something. In any case, I would urge you 2 think about what those things might be, so that you and your H can take steps 2 insure that your needs are being met.

As for the fantasies. They might be harmless until you act on them. Kissing the prof, for instance. Don't just assume he's single. There are plenty of married professors that don't care what they're doing to their own marriage or yours.

You should tell about this behavior of yours 2 a counselor as soon as possible, and then find a way 2 talk about ALL of it with your H. DO NOT talk about this 2 ANY other men, or even any other women friends that don't have your marriage first and foremost in their thoughts.

Please read the articles on the home page about infidelity. You're young and just recently married. You have no idea how much pain you're setting yourself and your H up for with this behavior.

I hope you get the help you need.

All my best,
-2long

I think you need to figure out what it is that you find so appealing in these other men that is lacking in your H. It is good that you are catching this before it goes beyond "just a kiss".

And if you don't fix it now, who knows where else it may lead. Maybe one day you'll outgrow just the kiss and go even further. And after that, when will it stop? And if you do go that route, will you truly be satisfied? You need to find out what it is you're chasing. You should set boundaries and keep them.

I would definitely seek professional counseling if possible.

Hello,

I think you have received some good advise so far.
My guess is that either there are some major issues in your marriage or you are very young and immature. Why did you get married in the first place? Let me ask you this: How would you feel if your husband was always having sexual thoughts and attractions for other women. He then tells you he really likes a female professor of his and kissed her at a party recently. I bet you would not be too happy.
I would suggest that you be open and honest with your husband and maybe some marriage counseling would be in order. You are married and kissed another man and your thoughts are preoccuppied with other men. Don't you think it would be decent of you to discuss this with your husband now? For your marriage to succeed it needs to be based on honesty with your husband. You have already started down the slippery slope by deciding not to tell him. What will you next decide not to tell him? Show respect and be honest with him and or otherwise what do you really have?
I wish you luck.

It sounds to me like you are too young and shouldn't have gotten married. The fact is that you were unfaithful when you went with this prof to party and then kissed him. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you might now be ready to settle down and need to go out and date as a single woman.

Thank you so much for all the replies. It means so much to me to be able to hear from people out there in the universe in my time of need. I didn't talk about this to friends as someone suggested. Who can I trust? Who will not judge me?

I wish I was as young as I seem to sound. (OH great, I am immature and old) I am 30. Not sure if that changes the advice situation. I think i will seek a counselor, but I want to try to understand it a bit better first.

And - What should I do about this prof? I already explained (at the party after kiss) I just had a crush on him. My plan is just to see him and when/if it comes up say i dont want to see him and try to be friends. is it dangerous to go for a beer with him to explain this?

i am not sure abotu telling my husband b/c if he knows its my prof and that i have to go to class every week then every week will be a stress for him.

also - i feel like i have some emotional work to do. i want to knwo myself a bit better, if i believe that i did get married too soon, i want to know that, but i can tell him. its not too hard, i have had to tell him i kisssed soemone before. he was happy i was honest.

thanks again everyone - really.

Yes, it would be a big mistake to explain to the prof over a beer. I would be honest: tell him you are married, and that you made a mistake with him. You were wrong to lead him on; wronger still with your husband; and wrong to yourself, too. A pleasant, brief, frank email would probably work best -- but others might have a different opinion.

You appear to have what has been called a "love addiction." You like the attention and opening stages of falling in love, and can't resist. My H is the same way. He needs a lot of work on boundaries, too. But I'm not an expert on all this. Needless to say, my H's behavior (and he is in his late 50s!) has caused enormous damage to me, his other wives, his kids and mine. Let's hope you can catch it earlier.

jeez here's an article from www.dearpeggy.com regarding affairs and attractions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Preventing Affairs
by Peggy Vaughan

Preventing affairs is not like having a one-time inoculation—or even getting occasional booster shots. It's more like taking a pill every day for the rest of your life. You probably realize it's natural for your partner (and yourself) to find others attractive. Nevertheless, it's probably something you don't want to think about. You'd like to believe it won't happen, so you may convince yourself that somehow your relationship will be different. If you try to deny the possibility of attractions, you send a subtle (or not so subtle) signal to your partner that you don't want to know about any of their feelings of attraction toward others. Since attractions are both normal and inevitable, you're in essence sending a message that says, "Lie to me; pretend you're never attracted to anyone else." This, of course, causes other problems related to honesty that can have serious consequences for your relationship.

Attractions are not, in and of themselves, a problem. The problem comes when they are acted on. And the best way to decrease the likelihood of that happening is to honestly discuss this issue and your feelings about it on an ongoing basis. Attractions become a much greater threat to the relationship whenever acknowledging them is taboo. If you can't talk about these feelings, they become your own private secret and are likely to grow in intensity and desire. But openly discussing your feelings brings a degree of reality to the issue that leads to a more sensible and responsible way of thinking, which in turn reduces the desire to act on the attractions.

This process of acknowledging attractions and discussing how they are to be handled is one that both married and unmarried couples need to address prior to any problem with affairs. Constantly wondering and worrying about this issue creates a strain between partners that may prevent their developing a sense of trust in each other. They need to talk through their feelings about monogamy and attractions to other people on an ongoing basis as their relationship develops.

Couples can't avoid affairs by assuming monogamy or even by promising monogamy without discussing the issue. Prevention is possible only through a commitment to Honesty, not a "promise" to be monogamous."

This commitment involves having ongoing honest discussions of the issue—which means more than just "not lying;" it means "not withholding relevant information." This kind of commitment to "responsible honesty" makes it possible for a couple to feel they really know each other, making it more likely they can trust that they won't deceive each other, thus preventing affairs.

Couples sometimes wonder how to "bring up" the issue of affairs…and how often. This is actually quite simple because the issue of affairs is all around us all the time. (In fact, it can't be avoided.) It's in the news, in movies, on TV, and happens among our friends, family, or acquaintances. So it's not a matter of how or when to bring it up. You need only take advantage of the many times when the issue presents itself as a potential subject for discussion.

Most people actively AVOID having in-depth discussions on an ongoing basis—because they have the false idea that it's too scary or risky. But the real risk is in NOT talking. It's only through talking (and specifically "not withholding" your thoughts about the subject) that you can gain some measure of reassurance that you know where things stand. Without this kind of sharing, you're left to wonder—with the inevitable anxiety that comes from this kind of uncertainty.

Bottom Line: It's important to understand that it's unrealistic to think there is some kind of absolute protection, some kind of actions that can "guarantee" you'll prevent an affair. There are no guarantees. The issue of monogamy is never settled once and for all. It requires ongoing honest discussion of the issue. This makes it possible for a couple to feel they really know each other, making it more likely they can trust that they won't deceive each other, thus preventing affairs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I have not really been unfaithful to my husband but I am attracted to other people and I have not figured out how to manage dealing with that attraction.

Actually, being attracted to other people is normal. So, step one is to accept that truth.

I find myself thinking about one person for a period of time. Like someone at the office for a few months, and I think about them all the time, and the attraction developing and what they did or said. Testing out if they are attracted to me too.

You have a couple of issues going on here....

Boredom and low self esteem

By thinking about someone else all of the time, it is allowing you to escape from thinking about the day to day reality of you not having any other interests or passions to keep your mind occupied. By having anxiety over thinking about someone else,this allows you from having to face your anxiety about the day to day humdrum that you would feel(boredom) if you did not have this "hobby".

Your low self esteem is keeping this alive. People with the correct self esteem do not need other people to "approve of them" to feel good about themselves. Even though it is nice to have other people to like you, it is not a "need" to them, because they have realized and accepted that who they are is ok, and they love themselves just as they are. They have other interests, friends, and hobbies that they pursue that keeps their minds on things, and just learn to remove thoughts and interests that are not healthy.

My advice.. Work on your self esteem, and focus on finding some other interests in your life that help you "escape" the boredom,and yet are things that have a positive effect on your marriage....

In other words, train yourself to daydream about something else more productive.

jeez,

you have got alot of good advice so far. I am just posting because you sound alot like my wife. All through the history of our dating and marriage i can now see she got carried away when someone would show interest in her and she loved testing boundaries to see how far she could take it without "doing anything".

At the end of this summer, however, she was away on a 3-week bussiness trip and she ended up in bed with a married man, and afterward "fell in love" with him over email.

On top of the other things that were missing from our marriage (that allowed this to happen), my wife and i never really talked about boundaries. Yes, we talked about physical boundaries and (so i thought) made them very clear.

However, we never realized how destructive an EA (emotional affair) can be to a marriage...hadn't ever heard of an EA for that matter. Thus, we never set up "emotional" boundaries. And it seems to be that once you're in over your head emotionally, physical boundaries don't really exist.

I can also tell you that it hurts a hell of alot more when your wife is in love with someone else, totally consumed & obsessed with them...doesn't really make a difference if she slept with them or not...at the end of the day, emotional connections are far more important to women than physical ones, right?

So there's probably alot more history to your situation. But you should be brutally honest with your husband about this. So you and he can determine if you are not providing for each others needs in your M. Definately read up on this website (basic concepts) and elsewhere (Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends"), and probably go to counselling.

It sounds like you and your H can "nip this in the butt" before you both perhaps end up in an incredible amount of pain from a full-blown A.

cpx

p.s. also the conundrum to consider is that if you are (however innocently) giving your attention to other men on an ongoing basis, there is a good chance you are scrimping on your H's emotional needs...perhaps admiration, sexual fulfullment? That may leave him vulneralbe to an affair (even more than you perhaps)...

good luck. let the sunlight in now.

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>

2MCM:

Thanks for posting that. I haven't been 2 Peggy Vaughn's website in a long time (I found her site before I found MB after D-day). She's got a lot of good material there.

jeez: yeah, 2 old-timers like myself (I'm 50), 30 is pretty young! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...but I got M'd when I was 22.

-ol' 2long

Everyone has been so helpful I could cry.

I have to keep being honest with youa ll for that reason. I am having a hard time believing that I have to live a life where I never am alone with a man and can't manage this somehow.

I do think I am love addicted and have low self esteem and will be taking this all to heart.

does anyone have any links or articles on self esteem or love addiction?

also - my father and mother cheated on each other if anyone has comment. and i'm a gemini.

-jeez

also i have to say, i have been reading other posts, and there is a lot of guilt out there.

i can see why, but i have to say that I think we are all in some sort of punishment and lash out cycle. maybe we just need to accept that we have weaknesses, or postivies, we like people. and just need to learn how to control that so we dont hurt people.

i hate to read these posts where people seem to be punishing themselves is all.

thanks again - i am going to be thinkign about emotional relationships and re-reading every word you all have said.

-jeez <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jeez, Read your comment on another post about never being alone with a guy, etc.

Yes, some of it does sound kind of extreme to me, too. The way I look at it, the Harleys are trying to boost percentages for staying faithful. Obviously, if you are never alone with a guy, you are never going to be able to go to bed with him (unless in front of people -- which is a whole different problem). If you want to avoid problems, that's the way to do it. (Somewhere on the MB website he answers a question from a man with a love addiction -- can't remember where.)

On the other hand, I wish my H had followed this advice. I told him never to have lunch alone with a single woman at her house -- well, guess what he did? The woman is unbalanced, lonely, and very hungry. Surprise, surprise.

He, like you, enjoys putting himself in situations where something is going to "happen." He promised me our marriage was safe. It wasn't. Now I'm posting here. I wish he'd posted before something "happened." I wished he'd woken up earlier, like you are.

Yes, there is probably a lot of guilt, etc., here. Remember the people who are posting here are in a lot of pain, on one end of a triangle or another.

For myself, I've been on all three ends of the triangle and they all stink. I don't feel particularly virtuous, but I am a lot smarter than I used to be. And I do love my H, though I'm thoroughly prepared to cut the cord at this point.

Love addiction...it's a phrase I've run across. Might try a google search. My H just didn't like working on an M -- he liked things that "happened." But of course, they eventually go stale too, like the A appears to be. I'm trying to detach from some of this research; I really got tired of researching his problems, and until he wants to work on the M, I'm declaring a moratorium.

Any ideas, out there?

Jeez - The first thing that you have got to do is to be honest with your husband and tell him everything. By getting this problem out in the open both of you can work on resolving it. If you maintain secrecy about this problem it will come back to hurt you in the future when your husband finds out about this from someone else. You can believe that he will find out. There are many people in your class that would call your husband in a flash. Someone will talk. It could be the professor. Who knows…talk to your husband!

The next thing to do is to drop the class or transfer to a different time. Do not continue to tempt yourself. You can take the class at a later date under a different instructor. Get away from this situation as fast as you can. But, before another day goes by talk this over with your husband

Lastly, seek out a psychotherapist to help you understand your emotions. You know that many kids that come from battered families grow up to be abusive parents or marry abusive people. Somehow, they misinterpret this as love. I am not saying this to give you a reason or an excuse for your behavior. You seem to be looking for an excuse. There is no excuse for your behavior. So, stop covering up and tempting yourself and talk to your husband. Oh, did I mention that you should talk to your husband. Ha-ha

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jeez:
<strong> Community!

I need your help. I am new here.

I have not really been unfaithful to my husband but I am attracted to other people and I have not figured out how to manage dealing with that attraction. I either come off as assexual or overtly sexual. I have a tendency to "go overboard" and am somewhat of a romantic, I find myself thinking about one person for a period of time. Like someone at the office for a few months, and I think about them all the time, and the attraction developing and what they did or said. Testing out if they are attracted to me too. It is so horrible and dumb, but I seem to operate that way, so I have to face it. I have only been married for a year and had an infatuation at work, that I never did anything about, but i am no longer at that job, and was afraid of what might happen eventual, or just embarrassing myself professionally. I start caring about the real or imaginary build up of a first kiss or first intimacy and fantasize abotu that moment.

Recently, I got a "crush" on my prof. at a class I am taking. I started thinking about him. I thought about him alot. Just thought he was cute, sexy, whatever. Dress up for class a bit more, care about how he thinks of me. Then I went to party with him and at a moment, he looked at me, I looked at hima nd we kissed. That's all. But I dont know how to deal with this one thing and really that this is a pattern. It's just that this time I had the opportunity.

I'm scared. I don't want to be this way. I need advice on what to do about the pattern and also with this prof. He is single, I gather, and invited me out after that. I said no, but I will see him every week. I havent mentioned this to my husband b/c i want to understand it better first. I want to do my hoemwork to understand what it going on with me. I doubt my husband will care that much that I kissed someone, and he will forgive me when i explain. But i havent told him this is a pattern of thinkign about other men. Our sex life is good and I desire my husband too.

I think I like to feel like people are attracted to me and also that new excitement and first kiss. Also I live in NYC now so I am constantly meeting people.

Thanks for any thoughts/advice! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Jeez,
I am also new here and you are the first person that I have replied to. I hope what I have to say is of some help to you.....I too am attracted to other men....I feel that I need other men to feel attracted to me...... I somehow need their approval. I have been married 25 years and love my husband, but find that that isn't enough. I have a question for you....Were your parents divorced when you were young? Mine were when I was 9 years old....family have now told me years later that my personality changed ten fold after my parents split up.....I feel that girls need the love and approval of their fathers....without that maybe we try and seek it in other places....This last year I had an affair, but that is a whole nether story.....not a pretty place to go..but like yourself the attention of this om was more than I could resist.....never had gone there before.....Give some thought to what I have said....and chat at me if you feel that we have something in common..hope I have been some help to you......

This is a seriously old topic for most - but this is my life. Thank everyone for your posts.

Since I wrote, I had an affair. Since then, I have been honest with my husband and we decided to try having an open relationship. I was seeing this guy and my husband was getting mroe upset (but not seeing anyone). It is now over (as of last Sunday) because my husband found out and demanded it.

I am sifting through a lot of pain, desiring the OM, sadness at end of the friendship and EA with the OM. I know I need to change a lot of things in myself and my husband and our relationship if it is going to be a satisfying one. For this, I am greatful to the affair.

I want to suggest a book: Against Love by Laura Kipnis
It discusses modern love, marriage, the quest for love, and betrayal.

I am thinking of divorcing. Not to get married ever again. I am wondering if maybe I should not make promises in my life and live as a single. At least this way I do not hurt anyone.

I plan to take a break from the OM, see if he can move on. If he can, then this was not serious for him. For my part, the break will allow me to hopefully stop obsessing about the OM and try to understand my real issues with marriage and my relationship. I think maybe I was meant to just be free. Thoughts?

Tricks for getting over the OM? I am working out and trying to stay busy. This sucks!

Happy to hear from one and all.

Well it seems as if you didnt follow the advice you were given, and as a result you had an affair. A textbook case.

If you love your husband and want it to work you must permanently end all contact with the OM. Not only is this the only option for the future of your marriage, but you will not get over the OM without a clean break.

The truth is, he probably wasnt serious about you, and the stats for relationhips-resulting-from-affairs are stacked against you.

Thanks KS- you're right.

What is the profile of OM? He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but I also think it was self glorification to some extent. Like he was into the fact that I was so into him. That I was so into him - I was risking everything. Seems like an ego trip.