I am the adult Son of a wayward Father and the first of two children. I became aware of the A’s when I was 10 and they persisted until I was 25 when he left home and married the last OW. I am certain that my Father had A’s before I became aware of them. My father came out of the WW II generation and some how felt entitled as a man to have A’s. He used to tell me that he didn’t want to have sex with every woman he had an A with he just wanted to know that “he could.” I remember receiving a phone call from one of the OW when I was in H.S. telling me about the love my Father had for her. Of course, I told my Mother and she confronted him about the A. He lied and denied it like they all do! Lying comes easily to people in A’s. I recently remembered his expression when confronted with the affair. He smiled and laughed and tried to down play the A. His expression clearly indicated that he felt that he had power over my Mother and could do as he pleased with no remorse.

The A’s took a toll on my Mother’s life and resulted in many bouts of depression. Modern drug therapy was not available during most of this period. She had a genetic predisposition to depression (we later learned) and the A’s sent her into periods of withdrawal that lasted one to three years. During these periods of depression she was unable to care for or show love to my brother or myself. As a result we have grown up with Love and Trust issues that persist until this day.

I have been married twice and have two adult children and one grandson. While I never experienced infidelity in either marriage, I felt a lack of love and a general mistrust of the women in my life. They had the power to hurt me deeply in ways that I could not control. In both marriages, I misread many situations as a lack of love when in fact both women really loved me. I could not unconditionally love them and exerted so much pressure on the relationships that both marriages failed. I am not married but have had several long-term loving relationships that ended when I was not willing to remarry. I have received counseling on and off throughout most of my adult life particularly when a relationship failed. Only in the last three years have I come to understand the impact of infidelity and the resultant Love and Trust issues. I recently stumbled across this forum and began to read the posts. They brought back a flood of old hurtful memories. This is why I am interested to helping people understand the impact of infidelity on children.

Beau

thank you for this post..

blessings to you and yours...

ARK

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks for the post.

MTD

Beau

First off, thank you for your post. I, for one, really appreciate it. I have a question for you that I'm sure is too broad to even answer, but I think this may be a good thread (if you don't mind...let me know if you do) to spark a debate. First a little background on me. I am a 27 y.o. betrayed husband. My wife, 26, is the wayward spouse and is having an emotional (possibly also phsyical altough I have no proof) affair with a nieghbor two doors down. She has chosen her realtionship with him over our marriage and family andhas since moved to her own apartment. We have two little boys ages 4 and 2-1/2. If you want more about me, feel free to read my threads both here and on the JFO board. I too was forced to deal with infedelity as a child. My mother had an A and left my dad. She came back several times for about a week and then would be gone again. Finally he divorced her. I was 16 at the time, and it was very hard on me.

Ok, my question, what do you (or anybody else who cares to answer) think is the best way to protect my kids from the emotional trauma of their mothers actions?

I am struggling with this and my experience isn't helping me too much. I just can't seem to come up anything that I think would have helped me. Now granted, the is a considerable age difference between how old I was and how old my kids are. But, my 4 yo knows full well exactly what is going. He is a smart kid and is quit observant. He asks some really tough questions some times and I know he is thinking about this alot. Sometimes I'll ask him what he is thinking about, he tells me "you and mommy". But then he doesn't really want to talk about it. When I ask what about me and mommy he says "...you guys being together, before mommy moved out." It just tears me apart to know that he is burdened with this. He should be thinking about making snow forts and sledding and playing trucks with his friends, not losing his family.

I tell both of my kids constantly that I love them very much, I'm proud of them and will always be here for them. That I love their mommy very much and I'm doing everything I can to help her come home.

What else do you think I should be doing here? Any advice is welcome. Thanks...and sorry if I hijacked your thread here...ooops!

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

SOWF - I couldn't believe your post when I stopped in here at MB this morning!

It just so happens that while I was cleaning out drawers in an old desk last night, I came across a letter to my H from one of his grown daughters about this very same thing. It's heartbreaking! The same feelings were expressed by H's daughter that you would expect to hear from a BS. H's daughter spoke of learning about one of his A's when she was 12 years old.

I will post some sections of this letter later on tonight so others can read about the feelings a child has about a parent's A. H's daughter also touches on his alcoholism.

Children are affected by their parent's A's. They feel the same betrayal and have issues with trust and forgiveness just like a BS.

The letter was dated 2/98. I vaguely remember H receiving this letter and being upset about it. He did not want me to read it at the time. I forgot all about it until I found it cleaning last night. I wish I would have seen this letter back then...before I married him in 2/00. I might have saved myself all of the grief I am going through now. But that's another story...

sss

Want My Wife Back

I am so sorry you and your children are going through so much pain. I don’t think you can completely protect the children from what is going on. The four year old “knows” that something is wrong. At this point, spending a much time with them as you can and continuing to express your love, and their Mother’s love, for them is very important. Time with your boy’s is very very important at this point in their life. When they are with you spend all of your time with them. Don’t be tempted to drop them off at Mom’s house. I know you would not do that but so many guys’ do. The boy’s need security and permanence in their lives. Do everything you can to provide this for them.

I don’t know what has occurred before today regarding your marriage. There are many people on MB that can better advise you on what to do than I can. Suffice it to say that you have got to pull out all stops to save your marriage.

I pray that your wife comes out of the “fog” soon and realizes what she is doing to her family. I wish you the very best. Feel free to contact me anytime.

Beau

Beau

Thanks for the kind words. I am doing everything I can to keep as much stability in their lives as I can. My WW doesn't seem to care how much upheaval she causes them. She pulled our 4 yo out of pre-school because it was to inconvienent for her, he hardly ever gets to play with his friends in our nieghborhood anymore. I did put my foot down (some may think it is a selfish demand) about them sleeping at home and in their beds. My W thinks they should spend half the nights with her, but I said no and stand by that. I think they need something stable right now. I have always done the bedtimes routine with my kids since they were born. Jammies, brushing teeth, books, prayers, and tuck-ins have always been by me (W was always pretty shot by that time of night), and I intend to keep it that way as much as possible. It is bad enough that they no longer have their mommy during the day. She was a stay-at-home-mom until she moved out, now she has a job where she works days.

For what it is worth, I am pulling out ALL the stops trying to save this. I'm very hopeful that we can. It is almost like she is reading from the wayward spouse 101 script here. And if it continues along this path, and I do this right, I see no reason for her not to come home. It will be long and difficult, with much pain for all involved, but I think she will come home to us. Praying to God evry second of every day.

hey wayward and all -

i am also a daughter of a wayward father - given this, if anyone has advice - i posted on general questions under jeez.

thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Here's part of the letter I mentioned in my post above.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Dad –

I have been wanting to talk to you about some things but it never seems to be the right time to bring it up, so I am going to write this letter to you.

First I want to say that I am not telling you these things in order to make you feel bad. I am doing this for me. I need to be free of all of this so that I can move on and hopefully get past the feelings of hatred, betrayal, and unforgiveness. I want to be able to forgive and forget but it is going to be hard and until I tell you, I don’t think that I will ever be able to forgive.

When I was around 12 years old, you had a party for your friends and co-workers. I was downstairs in the bedroom and I saw you and (OW) kissing and carrying on. Meanwhile, Mom and (OWH) were upstairs playing cards. You have no idea what that did to me. (Sister) and (Sister’s BF) found me crying and they tried to help me by saying that you were drunk but I could not get over it. I wrote you a letter then asking you to explain what happened. I even put it in your truck, but I ended up taking it out and never did say anything to you. I was so young I did not understand what was going on. Why would my dad do something like that?

You can never imagine how many times I have laid down to go to sleep and I saw you and (OW). Even today, I see the image and it still makes me sick. Ever since that day, I have never trusted you. Every business trip you ever went on, every call that came to our house and someone hung up, every time you called to say you were working late, I always wondered if there was someone else involved. I wondered how many woman you met on business trips and had one night flings with. I hate feeling this way and I never told anyone about my feelings, not mom, not (Sister), no one, but they were always there. Now I know that my suspicions were always true and that you were cheating on mom a majority of my life and lying to us all along. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H's daughter then goes on to talk about all of the times she was embarrassed and upset from H being drunk, hanging on her girlfriends, acting inappropriately with them, etc. She asked him to seek help for his drinking.

H had an affair with this OW for about 10 - 12 years during his first M. The A was confirmed during the time that H and his XW were getting a divorce. All four of his kids also learned about it.

WS's may think they are not hurting anybody or that nobody knows what they are doing while acting selfishly during their A's. I doubt H ever suspected that his daughter saw him that night.

Reading this letter instantly brought back all my d-day and post d-day feelings and made me cry. Just thinking that a little 12 year old girl had some of those same feelings is unreal.

sss

SSS:

When I read the letter tears started streaming down my face. Many years have passed since my father was involved in A’s but I remember the pain all to well. Wayward people have no real understanding of the pain and suffering that affairs cause in their children. They somehow compartmentalize their thinking. My dad never felt remorse for his behavior. He felt that what he had done was somehow OK. I strongly disagreed and we had little contact for most of my adult life until he died. I loved my Dad with all of his imperfections but I never respected him as a man or as a person.


Beau

SOWF

I didn't mean to upset you but thought this letter was very powerful and important for a WS to see.

It took H's daughter until she was 25 - 26 to write this letter to him. The really sad thing about it is that I don't believe either of them have discussed it with each other.

I don't think H's kids know about a second A (that happened during his first M) that he told me about.

I'm hopeful that since H is in IC and going to AA that he can eventually open up and be honest with his kids. He needs to apologize for the hurt and pain he caused them while growing up. He's on the right path to do this now, so hopefully it will happen. Sounds like that would have helped you deal with your feelings towards your Dad.

sss

SSS:

AWWHH, the letter didn't make me feel sad, it just suddenly brought back a lot of old painful memories that I rarely think about anymore.

I hoped for many years that my Dad would come out of the "fog" and try to reconnect with my brother and myself. Unfortunately, for all concerned, he didn't see the need.

I would encourage your H to do everything in his power to make things right with his children. Everyone will benefit greatly.

Beau

Wow Beau,

Thanks for posting. It is a good reminder to us how much this stuff effects our children. Often we tend to center on our personal pain when in reality this A junk affects many and quite deeply.

A's s/b a crime. Crime against the family, crime against the heart, crime against God, crime against life. I can't see when an A w/b considered a good deed.

Anyway, thanks again. I really appreciate your insight. I wish you well on your next R. I hope happiness is within your reach. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

bump for any additional comments

Orchid

Thanks for your concern. Happiness is definitely firmly in my “grasp.” I realize that the A’s my Dad had caused me emotional problems for many years. Being the first born and a Giver by nature, I choose women that needed “fixing” instead of women that had love to offer. I made the same mistake again with several R’s but I recognized that the R’s would not result in a happy marriage. I simply have not met the “right” woman, yet! I am better prepared now to be the kind of husband that most women want than ever in my life, with the possible exception that I don’t want to start raising kids again. HaHaHa.
I suspect that a bunch of us feel that way.

Take care…

Beau