My wife has now agreed that we should go to MC. The question I've got -- especially for the women on this board -- is which is better: a male or female MC? And why do you think so?

__JMan

It more depends on the MC then on the gender IMHO.

We have a male MC now .. I saw a female IC (ended IC last Sept) ... MC's wife.

The MC we had 5 years ago was female and Myad was not comfortable. My IC had to convince me that her husband was a good therapist, and reminded me that I could change if I disagreed.

I was comfortable with him right off, and I think Myad was too. Many of the dynamics in MC and IC's marriage are alos present in ours, so Myad knew that he'd understand.

I have heard that some MC's like to play the blame card, ours wouldn't allow it ... we were both 50% responsible for the state of our marriage... I objected saying that I didn't choose to have an affair so they "allowed" me to down grade my culpability, but only slightly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You do need to get an MC who beleives in marriage restoration. Read what the Harley's have to say about finding an MC on this site and my tips on my site.

way2

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

javaman,

I went to 2 different people when I needed help. The first time, I went to a young man. Well, I somehow now think that this wasn't such a good decision.

I think it has to do with "talking about problems with the opposite sex." It might happen unconciously but I somehow always felt that I had to explain things so that he would see me in a "positive light". I hope you understand what I am saying.
The second time I needed help, I went to an older woman. I felt more comfortable. Talking with the same sex about my problems, made me feel that I could say things how I really felt without having to think of anything else.

Also due to the fact that the first guy was also quit good looking, I sorta had my problems. But this might only be a problem that I have, I don't know and I'm curious to hear from others too.

One more example. My doctor is a woman, I used to have a male doctor. This doctor was indeed very good looking. (Tom Seleck type) and I didn't feel comfortable, therefore I changed and I'm now going to a female doctor.

I am now aware that a "Top Emotional Need" for me is how someone looks, this really seems to attract me. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


take care
bb

It might depend on who is the reluctant party in regards to going to MC. We went to a male MC and I was entirely comfortable. That is because I'm the one that wanted to be there. WS still hasn't ended the A. I'm in a male-dominated profession, so I don't have a problem hearing things from the male MC. He probably ends up relating to my logical side. But I figured WS might be more comfortable with him and not feel that the MC would always be taking my side if it was a woman.

Javaman,

I agree with lbc. . . .at first my H and I saw a woman. He didn't respond well to her. Could have been more her methods, but I don't think so. Then I found a male, and my H seems to think he walks on water. If he tells him to do something (or not to) then my H really takes it to heart and does or doesn't do it. You know your WS best. . . .

Another thing I did was use the question on the home page for finding a good counselor. I asked my counselor alot of these questions and got a good feel for his approach, which seems to be alot like the MB approach. This was comforting to me since I like everything I had read here first. . . . .

Hope

Javaman, wonderful news your wife is willing to go to MC. Or any counseling actually.

When I was looking for a IC as WH was not ready at the time, I called a friend in the healthcare profession who found out info from head of mental health at a hospital. She gave me a list of her favorites from numerous clients she had sent. Funny I thought that all were women but one man. Of course the man was the only one on my insurance, so thats the one I got. I have no problem talking with him or being honest about anything. WS went a couple times at beginning and loved him but then when he was ready for IC, the C said it would be a conflict of interest so he started searching out one from recommendations from friends. He went to two women and one man and did not click with any of them in fact they just pushed him further into depression. Finally my IC agreed to see him and I seperately and it works out well.

I would say that finding one you click with is more important than what sex they are. Also that recommendations are good but what you and someone else expect may be different. I also find that our C who is 55 relates better to my WS issues and also has dealt with some of them.

Also realize that even if you click not everytime will you come out feeling good. Sometimes you delve into things that you don't realize affect you until you leave and then you feel like crap.
But its part of the process good things and bad.

So don't be afraid to try a few before you both decide you like one.

km4
me 39
WS 44
married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend.

Thanks all, for the advice. I think that there's one thing I didn't make clear: I'm the wayward spouse in this situation. And ironically, it's I who first suggested to my W that we go to coucelling, and she was the one to initially say no.

So...does that make a difference in what you folks suggest?

__JMan

javaman -- i already know you are the WS ... did you forget my rant to you on "In Recovery" already? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I meant every word of it.

And no it doesn't change what I said.

way2

Nope. Doesn't change my advice. Since she is the one that didn't suggest MC, then I would chose a woman. Good luck!