I had to leave my H in order to regain any respect for myself. Sometimes it takes many times to leave, before it happens for good. The counsellors who I worked with at abused women's shelters called them "practice leaves".
My H was (and no doubt still is) like yours, where he is very selfish. He was addicted to his precious computer, and wouldn't leave it to spend time with the kids and I (my boys are now 4, and almost 3 times two). Our bills, which had all been in MY name (something I did during my plan A, when he and I were separated for 4 months) were piling up. But of course, he always had cd's to burn on, and smokes, and coffee money. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You know the story, right? Of course you do... you just shared it with us.
I am SO SORRY that you're going through what you are. It makes it harder when there are little ones in the picture. Ideally, you want a M that is solid and loving, for you, your H, and those great kids. But you don't have that. If you've done your best, and he hasn't, then really, there isn't much more you can do. Either you stay in the M, and try to move on with your life, or you get out of the situation, and do it for real. Both situations will teach your children major lessons. What do you want them to learn?
I understand that "now" is not a good time for you to leave. But please understand, that is just an excuse. There is NEVER a good time to leave a M. Just like there's never a good time to lose a loved one to death, or to find out about an A, etc.
I'm coming up on the one year anniversary since I left my H (November 24, 2002). In my case, I went to an abused women's shelter with my boys. We lived there for almost 1 1/2 months... and that was over xmas too... and we're doing just great now. Heck... we were doing so much better the very moment
I made the decision to leave him (I had been planning for over a month).
Some of the things I did, to allow for leaving on the spur of the moment should it be necessary (and it was) were:
- got all of the important documents together, and put them in a safe place (my dad's house, next door). I made sure I had mine and all the boys' birth certificates, health cards, etc. Insurance policy copies, copies of my stbxH's info too... such as his SIN number (we're in Ontario), driver's licence #, paystub copies, etc.
- I gathered items that I wanted to keep, no matter what (such as the photo albums, and the boys' baby books). Again, I put them at my dad's house.
- I packed a suitcase with 2 days worth of clothes for myself and each of the boys. Again, since my dad lived next door, I left it at his place.
- I made my H put all of the utilities in HIS name only. I know his track record... if I were to leave, he wouldn't pay them (not that he did anyways), and why should I be left with HIS debt?
- For my birthday last year (I turned 30), I asked my family for money, so I could start getting my driver's licence. I still don't have it... just a learner's permit (called G1 here)... but it's a start.
- Most importantly, I used the resources in my community to help me to get out. I called some local abused women's help lines, arranged for counselling, etc. They were my lifesavers. They gave me the information and support I needed, to remove myself from my M.
The day I left with the boys, I was just fed up with the constant unsafe feelings. H hit OS hard on his leg... and that was it. We were outta there! My H knew we were leaving ahead of time, but we were waiting on my geared to income housing to come through. But enough was enough.
The hardest part is the actual leaving. You can help yourself do it by planning as much as possible. But it's still the actual physical leaving that is the most difficult. Once you do that.... things DO get easier. Trust me, I lived it.
If there's anything I can do, let me know. You can email me at topie25@hotmail.com too, if you'd like.
Take care,
Karen
