HI, I'm new to the board and have something of a possible delimma on my hands.

I've been married for 10 years and recently our whole universe has turned on it's ear since I have started working and my husband is staying at home. I've only been working for 3 months and have become friends with a man who works in the office.

Today, my friend confided that he felt a great deal of attraction towards me! <shock> I have to admit that the feeling is NOT mutual.
I like this person but I am not at all interested in being anymore than friends.

I know people talk- and that worries me. We have been out to lunch together in groups but he often finds his way to my side. This is NOT something that I really want or need to deal with .

Should I just shun this person altogether? (something that will be rather difficult since we work a great deal together and there are times when we have to work together alone)He's a nice guy but I realize that since I am "new " to the work enviroment and our marriage is a bit shaky right now(because of this huge change in our home dynamics) I have enjoyed his company but I don't want to become a home wrecker. (Or get emotionally involved and mess up my own marrage)

Have I already screwed up?
what can I do to make this better? Or CAN I ?
Should I call his wife?
Or should I just walk away and let things smooth themselves out?
This is potentially embarassing. I can't really file harrassment charges(since I haven't to this point done anything about his advances- that I seem to have been blithly unaware of)

I could use some input here.
maddy_30

In answer to "What to do?": RUN!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have enjoyed his company but I don't want to become a home wrecker. (Or get emotionally involved and mess up my own marrage) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are enjoying his company, you are very close to the line alreay, if not over it.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I call his wife? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep.

I am a SAHD. You have no idea how tough this is on a guy. Many men can do it, but we men are trained to minimize the difficulties we are experiencing. Don't be fooled. Your husband needs your emotional support (probably spelled Admiration and Sexual Fulfillment) now more than ever.

Can you decide upon and enforce boundaries on this relationship that are "professional only" - not even friends? If not - run. My wife didn't.

A suggestion: buy "His Needs, Her Needs", read it together with your husband, and TAKE THE QUESTIONNAIRES. Trust me. You will be glad you did. Make the questionnire-taking an annual event. A great marriage-enrichment exercise that will help you two deal with the transitions in your lives. I wish we had.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

You'd be amazed how much you can get involved with a guy that you aren't even attracted to...at least initially. The fact that you "aren't interested" can change very quickly.

Can you plaster pics of your happy family all around your desk? And especially you and your H?

Look at them often.

John gave you excellent advice about buying the book. It could save your marriage and it will DARN sure make it better!

Good luck
DB

Suggested rules...

(1) Whenever you're alone with him restrict the conversation to work matters.

(2) Don't be alone with him unless it's genuinely necessary for work.

(3) You don't have to tell his wife but you do have to tell your husband. Everything!

(4) Never ever say anything critical of your husband in his presence. Dazed Blonde's idea is excellent.

He's crossed the line by declaring his feelings for you. In my opinion people can be attracted to each other (part of being human) but as soon as it's declared the relationship changes.

Hopefully your lack of a positive response will mean that he doesn't pursue this. But if he repeats the sentiment or anything like it you're going to have to tell him that you like him, "but not in that way" and can never be more than "just good friends". This sounds quite soft but men hate to hear this. It's a polite way of saying that you don't fancy him and that's how it will be understood.

Do not rest your case on the fact that you're married - this could carry the underlying message that you're attracted to him and it's only your legal status that's the obstacle.

Women get hit on every day. You say the feeling is NOT mutual. So what's the big deal? If you weren't married and somebody asked you out and you were not interested in him what would you say? Thanks but no thanks but I'm not interested in dating you. Harsh but true. When a woman is not interested, whether single or married, they are certainly capable of giving off vibes that say they are definitely not interested.

Since this guy is married and you are married that makes him a slime ball. Why try to sugar coat your feelings. I wouldn't even tell him you’re interested in being good friends. Don't give him any hope that there's even a chance. Say I am not interested in perusing a relationship with you, whether I am married or not, other than a professional business relationship.

After that I would be very careful to never be alone with him. He’s planted the idea in your head, as you have problems with your husband, take it from me, it is so easy once that thought is there to dwell on it and to cross that line. Never ever discuss anything of a personal nature with him; always always keep your conversations strictly business related. If your family ever comes up, which it sometimes will in work related conversations, always present your marriage and husband in a positive upbeat way. I would display pictures of your family but I wouldn’t go overboard as he might think you are compensating too much.

I’ll probably get flamed for this but I’m going to differ on the marriage builder’s principle. I wouldn’t tell me husband. At least not in the way you’re presenting this. You act like you’ve done something wrong. Have you? Only you know your heart. If you’re in any way attracted to this man or are dwelling on it then by all means tell him. But if this is all on this man and you are positive that you do not return the interest and did nothing to provoke it then why escalate a situation at home that is already not good? Your husband may blame you. I get hit on all the time. There are many men out there that make a practice of hitting on married women to see what they can get. Just as I know women hit on my husband. It’s not right but people do. I don’t rush home every time it happens and tell my husband, nor does he. It’s not the actions of other people that are the problem it’s when you start responding to it that becomes a major issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (4) Never ever say anything critical of your husband in his presence. Dazed Blonde's idea is excellent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neither of these were sufficient for my wife. Buy HN/HN, and read it together w/ your H and do the exercises.

It's simple. You tell him you're not interested. If he persists, tell him you're REALLY not interested. Possibly tell him you are going to tell your H. If that doens't stop him, tell your boss for crying out loud. If ever there was a legitimate case of sexual harrassment, that would be it.

BTW: I'm a SAHD also, and loving every second with the kids!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MTD
27 going on 12 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />