My H is here and we are getting ready to tell the kids we are separating. We thought we had figured out what to say, but are having doubts. Kids are 8 and 10. We don't want them to be too alarmed (I know, can't happen). Want them to know we love them. We may stay together, we may not.

Help me! What do you say? Input ASAP, please!!!!

Make sure you reassure them that they in no way contributed to your separation. That you both love them dearly and it's ok for each of them to love you both separately. Sometimes a parent can try to turn a child against the other parent.

Eduard, thanks for your reply. We have already talked to them and did reassure them it isn't anything they did. I had prayed a lot today to have the strength to get through this. I know God was with me because usually I'm a blubbering idiot and can't see through my tears, but I was calm and didn't cry until after we had finished.

Our daughter was also calm. She and I have cried a lot lately, so I guess she took her cue from me. Our son, however, was extremely emotional. My H was also extremely emotional. This was the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

He was the one that did most of the talking. He told them that we both love them very much. That sometimes when you get married and you're together you fight and sometimes don't get along. Asked if they have noticed that about us. He said that he was going to move somewhere else to sort through things. That is when our son just lost it! God, I felt soooo helpless and worthless as a parent!

He just sat on my H lap for a long time and they both cried. I held my D, then she went to them and hugged them both. Looking at all three of them sitting in the chair hugging tore me to pieces. I had to pray, pray, hold my cross necklace and pray for strength not to totally lose it. There was definitely an angel sitting on my shoulder!

Wednesday I met my parents halfway between our houses (1-1/2 hours for each of us) to tell them about the separation. My Dad recommended that I pray and I told him I'd been doing that non-stop. My Mom and Dad said the rosary on their way home. They went to Mass yesterday and prayed for us. Every little bit helps!

Are we doing the right thing? I hope so! My H said he isn't sure that he wants to not be with me. We both think that this time apart will help us.

He's frightened of what we're doing to our children. I told him that if we do stay together, it will be a blessing for the children and us because we will have a better marriage and be better parents. We both agree that we won't stay together if we aren't committed to making our marriage better.

This sucks the big one!!! He's taken them to dinner now and then to a movie. I'm here by myself. My BF said to call her, but I just can't see anyone right now. I just want to wallow in this by myself tonight.............

Dear Stung, Hope I am not finding this too late to help.
There are no easy parts to your situation but dealing with the emotions and hearts of the children are the most fragile parts.
They are children and incapable of thinking like adults.They cannot reason the way we do and will draw conclusions,on their own, that you will not think about.It is of the utmost importance that you and your WH assure them that this has NOTHING to do with them doing anything wrong.Tell them that they are the most wonderful children that any parents could ever be fortunate to have and that the two of you are especially regretful for the effect of this separation on them.Tell that you have issues right now that you are working on and you have decided that maybe if the two of you are apart for now,you can take some time to solve the issues.Let them know that you will do as much as possible to see to it that their lives and schedules are as unaffected as you can. Again,tell them that they are not to blame in any way and that none of it is about them. Very important!

Tell them that just because the two of you do not want to be together,it definately does not mean that either one of you wants to be away from them.(they will probably going with dad for visits away from you) Let them know that your feelings,love,protection and concern for them will only be greater and more present than ever and that they should feel free to talk with either of you if they want or need to about anything.
Let them know that there are things in a life of an adult that as children they cannot understand until they become adults but that you both will try to support and help them understand in any way possible and for them to always know that they are safe and protected.(Kids get afraid when major changes come about).

I am concerned about you and your children and will be checking in for your posts. I also would suggest that you get some antidepressants from your doctor to help you through this horrible time. there is a lot of good info here and wonderful people to help and advise you. I wish you the best. kk

kk, you are very eloquent indeed! I've not seen your name on this board. Looked at your profile and see that you post In Recovery and read some of your posts. I will keep track of you. Thanks for your kind words. I am going to make sure that my H reads this. It really spoke to my heart. My head and heart are so heavy right now that I can't comment more. Will check in later tonight or tomorrow morning.

FYI, I am on A-Ds, seeing an IC, have bought and read just about every book and have read this site constantly since I found out. I'm trying to be well-informed and level-headed. Jesus Our Lord, please be with me.

Thanks for your kind words. I may have to adopt you as my MB Mom!

It's heartbreaking, stung. Not sure I have any words of wisdom to offer other than to advise strongly: free and easy access to both children from both parents. But you've probably decided to do that anyway. My first marriage ended after 13 1/2 years too, and our two children were about the same age as yours. I wish you both well.

Dear Stung, I do understand that your heart is heavy, sweet lady. Jesus is there for you and He will help you.My prayer is that He will intercede for you and ask the Father to block this OW from your H's life, to prove power over evil and destroy all feelings they have for each other and to stir his heart and mind to open his eyes to the reality of the addiction and the selfish behavior he is so entralled with at this time. Stung, this is the best place for help and advice in the world for those who are going through betrayal and infidelity in their M. It is great to have a spiritual belief and foundation and it is vital to have the best counsel,advice and guidance. Dr. Harley's guidelines and this forum are the best.

I have been on the forum for over a year now. I read a lot on several sections and sometimes post on a couple of them. I did not know about this site until after my FWH had left the OW and we were struggling in our recovery.
I wish I had had the advice and support of this place much earlier.

I know you will get through this as horrific as it is for you right now. It is very likely that your WH will awaken to his terrible decisions and with deep remorse and heavy guilt,return to try to save his M. My FWH left and lived with the FOW for 2 months before returning home. His EA/PA lasted almost a year. He still has remorse and now says that it is the worst decision and deepest regret of his life.

Your kindness and appreciation mean a lot to me. I always have room for another "heart child" so I will be glad to be your MB mom. Take care of yourself and decide ......"I can be powerful or I can be pitiful!" I am not saying that you can just instantly be all right. I am very aware there is no greater devastation. You have got to be there for those children. Remember that they are afraid and confused right now.
It is not easy either way but you and your children need each other.Even the dog wonders what is going on with the kids being so responsible lately! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It's a rough roller coaster ride but your ticket has been stamped and you are on it so grab the bar and hold on. We are here for you. ((((((Stung by a bee)))))) kk

<small>[ November 09, 2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>