OK, so my house is being sold. The prospective buyers want to rent it, as an investment (whew! I may not have to move! we'll see...) The old landlord, the new prospective landlords, everyone is running around making our lives here a anxiety-ridden mess. Huge amount of structural repairs. Workmen coming in and out.

Well, when one of them came over and gave me some inside scoop about sale of the house and repairs (since everyone is being very secretive with me, this was appreciated), I offered him a cup of coffee. Perhaps this wasn't wise - I was in my robe (no negligee, mind you, flannel jammies and man's oversize terrycloth robe) as he came in relatively early (for me, an night owl). I told him roughly the situation here, and what my aims were vis-a-vis stability and the kids, etc. Everyone else has their line through this -- I do, too. I thought if they understood my situation, they might be able to be more helpful, considerate, etc.

Well, the next day he brought me roses from his garden and pomegranate to "cheer me up." Just now he stopped by "just to say hi." I didn't invite him in, but smiled and was pleasant.

He's nice-looking, but married. I'm losing the ability to see this as innocent, though honestly at 50 I didn't think this kind of thing would be a problem anymore.

I've always wound up in weird imbroglios because I have trouble putting men off. Especially since I'm going to be dealing with him around the house anyway, I've got to find a way to resolve this uneventfully.

I don't want this issue to come to a head or wind up with any weird confrontations. How do I head this off at the pass? If I say, "I'm married." He'll say, "I am, too!" I have to be pleasant, because of the situation. And I do need allies.

At present, there is nothing that couldn't pass as just friendliness, so I can't confront...oh gee...what can I do? I'm too old to be a moosh on these kinds of things -- how do I NOT be a moosh, without being nasty?

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Be honest with him. "You know, it was really sweet of you to bring the flowers and the pomegranate, and I appreciate it. I've been pretty badly hurt and it's important to me to not to create any strong emotional ties, even just as a friend, right now. I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a hand with that and treat me as if my husband were standing next to me every time you see me. Can you do that?"

And next time, tell 'em that you're separated from your husband because he's a jealous ax-murderer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When I read the title, I thought "Oh no, she's been talking to my W about something I did."

Now I see it's nothing to do with me, and I am relieved.

Still laughing from J's comment.

I think if you take what J said and think about it, you can come up with a good line for him.

Always mixed emotions about some things - Glad someone is being nice to you. (even it it's the wrong way.) Believe you will handle it well.

SS

Talk to him in private and say that you appreciate his thoughtfulness but that you are married and would appreciate him concentrating on his work when he is at your house.

My Dad was a paint contractor and hit on women all the time. If you are feeling the least bit uncomfortable, now is the time to make it clear what your expectations are.

Beau

Oh please, StillSeeking, you have to much confidence in me. I've always botched these things. Six months ago one of my best friends (male) had me pinned to the floor while I was saying to stop it he was being stupid (I was on the floor because, trying to wrest myself away from him I tripped). Nothing "happened," but only because I kept pushing him away. So this isn't the first time since all this blew up.

Just can't imagine myself saying what J suggests. For one thing, at this point the obvious denial from him: "I'm just being nice!" And that's what it would look like at this point, were it not for my intuition. Or, worst case scenario: "Who wants emotion? I want sex!" Then the can of worms has been put on the table, opened, to be dealt with.

I just want it all to go away.

Oh please, StillSeeking, you have to much confidence in me. I've always botched these things.

Always is a strong word. Perhaps we could agree on the use of the word "often" or "sometimes" in it's place.

Have some faith in your self and lets see if we can analyze what J was suggesting.

1. The first point was to thank him for his kindness. I think you can do that in a way that shows thanks but not expectations. You can even start out by saying: "I know you were just trying to be nice, but.........."

There need not be any words that would lead to denial on his part. Just plain words of thanks and a warning - which leads us to # 2.

2. The warning.
It doesn't have to be about him or what he did, or his intent, it can be about your feelings and you trying to be careful.
" I know you were just trying to be nice, but it would be best if you just keep your distance from me. I have been through too much, and this is not what I need."

" I realize you were just trying to be nice, but please leave me alone."

Short and a little blunt but it would probably work.

You should think about your personality and say something consistent with how you do and say things. Just don't leave the door open by how you say it.


I just want it all to go away.

Oh, wouldn't we all. If you figure out a way, let me know, because I am right there with you on that one. If not, then spend some time thinking on J's opening, and something will come to you.

The A.M. Martian that I know gives good advice, she is sharp enough to do this.

SS

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Oh, it all sounds right and good, but somehow it never works for me. At least it hasn't for the last three decades. Somehow when I say no everyone always considers it a big joke.

Except for H. But honestly, when I had to throw him out I had to threaten to call the cops before I could get even him to take it seriously.

With these guys have to be in the house, I don't want that kind of a confrontational mess.

Brush it off ... what if he just being nice too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . You start opening the gate you could close it too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Anyway, r u coming to Metreon ?. there are 3 teenagers this time.
-rh-

You are sooooo persistent! Well, maybe.

I have a friend who wants to come, too. She is the BP, and has been lurking at MB. She reminds me a lot of "Just J." Can she?

well this post is not going to be helpful as the others are, martin, but you're a man-magnet and I can't help but admire that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> You are sooooo persistent! Well, maybe.

I have a friend who wants to come, too. She is the BP, and has been lurking at MB. She reminds me a lot of "Just J." Can she? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is San Francisco, the most liberal town in USA, probably in the world plus this gethering is for us. Bring her along. I would not have much to say to her. I don't know the dynamic of BR but I am blessed with 2 perfectly functioning ears and only one imperfectly big mouth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Now since you mention her, you have to bring her along too. BTW, is your D coming too ?. KS41's D is coming and so do my 2D. This time you better bring a bit more $ ... teenageers, they will window shops, play virtual bowling & going to see movies ... & they will have they own "table". They could have they own support discussion if thy choose to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Let me know I will change the tally.

note: just curious is she also having R poblem ?

-rh-

Yes. Same problem. Her WP left her for an OP. They (she and WP) were one of the happiest couples I know. In fact, we had our wedding reception at their house.

Beall you jest. I'm half-a-century old and no great shakes. Chop off my arm and count the rings.

<small>[ November 08, 2003, 03:01 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

I keep trying to get her to post. She could really use some help. She's resisting.

As you know, D likes to hang out with the adults, but I'll run this by her -- and the friend.

Reading a great book. Can't go to bed till I'm done.

<small>[ November 08, 2003, 02:44 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Reading a great book. Can't go to bed till I'm done. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just come home from guys nite out ... this is my single weekend. LOL!. Let see if you are still awake.

Your D hung out with my 2 D at the zoo before, now she could meet KS41's D.

-rh-

Hey, A.M. If your friend is resistant to posting here, I'd be happy to talk to her. Please have her e-mail me at justj_mb@yahoo.com. I know -exactly- how hard things are for her. Do they have kids?

Also, tell her I'm LONELY over here! It sucks being the ONLY DARNED PERSON out of 31,000+ members who comes from a same-sex relationship.

Sheesh.

Oh, and I'm in Plan B now! Yay yay yay yay yay. I just hope it lasts once the lawyers get to their offices Monday. Time to post on my own thread.