I've been posting for a little while here. Some may have read my story. I have shared my side of the story and would like to put out some of what WW may have felt in our marriage...

We got married very young. We had children quickly after getting married. Actually, my W got pregnant the week we got married. So, even though we dated for several months and felt very close, we didn't have a lot of 'us' time before we became a 'family'. It seems sometimes when your W gets heavier while pregnant, the husband goes through the same thing. I began gaining weight and have fought with diets for 17 years. I had a self esteem problem and I think I took it out on my W at times.

Things seemed good for a few years. We spent alot of time with our kids. Doing things for them and with them but neglecting each other. Because of the self esteem issues and plain ignorance on my part I did some things that were not very good. I would look at other women while I was with my wife. I think I did this to get her a little jealous and want her to show me affection. But, of course, it had the opposite affect, she thought I was being disrespectful to her and, I was, and that she was never good enough for me. I think eventually we both started looking for something or someone to make us feel better instead of looking to each other...

As time went on, the little communication that we did have, was beginning to get even worse. We didn't fight very much, but we didn't communicate either. I don't know why I couldn't talk to my W but I was either too tired or wanted to watch my favorite TV show. I put her at the bottom of my list of things to do. I could talk to people at work, but when it came time to talk with my W, I went blank. I never took the time or energy for her...

I grew up in the south. My mother was Japanese and add that to southern philosophy of women doing all the house work etc, I came to expect the same from my W. We both worked and though I brought home most of the money, I expected her to do all the household stuff. I did my share of home impovement, car fixing, and etc, but the brunt of work around the house was her job in my eyes. She went to work, came home and cooked and cleaned, got the kids ready for school, went grocery shopping etc. I rarely if ever helped out. When she left, I realized how difficult it is to do all this...

I grew up in a family that rarely showed affection for one another. A hug was strange to me. I promised myself that my kids would not feel these same things while they were growing up. So, I've always shown my 2 D's affection, but when it came to my W, I rarely showed her how I felt. Yes, sure I told her I loved her, and usually that was in an apologetic tone. So, she never felt the affection and love I should have been giving her.

Now, I know up to this point, you are saying, this guy is a dirtbag. And yes, I've been that. But, here are the things that I thought were important to her. Our D's were always the most important things to her. She wanted them to have everything. So, I let her spend all the extra monies that we had on them. I objected at times but I knew that this made her happy, so I let her do this. My W didn't have many hobbies but enjoyed going to school. I knew this and always provided her a way to take classes and eventually get a degree. My W also could never be happy for a long time at a job. I never complained about her switching jobs because it made her happier. Even though some of the jobs went from a good high paying job with benifits to a lower paying job with less hours. We've always lived kinda away from the main cities and usually there was a good commute for her to her job as well as mine. I never really cared about what I drove, I had a beater car with no a/c in the south. I made sure she had a dependable car with a/c and would constantly ask her to get a job closer to home so I wouldn't worry so much. We moved to Alaska about 3 years ago. We looked at many houses and we never agreed on anything, finally I just let her and the kids decide on a house though it didn't meet my needs. Though there wasn't alot going on in our marriage, I always cared about her and wanted the best for her. I gave her the material things that I thought were important, but didn't give her the emotional things that are very important to every marriage.

I know this is long, but I just wanted to paint a picture of 'her' side of the story. I've been through counseling and through reading, I've learned alot about the things I've done wrong. I've told W how I feel and that I am willing to put every effort back into working through this. I have apologized for my part of the deterioration of this marriage and have made steps to improve myself. I hope one day she will let me prove myself...

LWH,

Welcome back. So how are you and the children now?

L.

lost-without-her,

We would not be able to predict the future but as you know ... most A ends after 2.5 years, this is the soulmate A. Only 3% of A become M ...

There is a lot to do with the test of time ... Exposed A, $ issues, kids issues, matching the fantasy and real OP ... I was helping OMexW, early this year I told her that it is not when OM would come back but if you want him. You know, if OMexW wants to pursue him she could <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . It is 2+ years from D-day, 6 months after the court reduced the $upports, now OM is going waffle again "I am thinking about us" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . You see, exposing A didn't work, reduced $upports make crack in their R. Now exW has to work like "normal" family <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Let see when their R would last, I know it wouldn't. I just sit back and eat chip&salsa w/ drinking corona.

I know it is hard but you know you could outlast this A and definitly survive this A ... I don't know about your M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

-rh-

I was feeling sorry for myself when I posted this earlier. The other day I got angry with my D's because they were fighting. My anger was due to the emotional low I've been in for awhile. I woke up this morning and it was like an awakening. I have been putting most of the blame for this affair on me. I realized I wasn't a very good husband, but I also realized she wasn't a very good wife. She's the one that has really made the mistake here and I've been like a doormat and letting her walk all over me. For the first time in a while, I actually felt pretty good about life today. I'm a little under the weather with a cold, but I feel I'm in a little more control of my life. I hope this feeling will stay and I hope I'll be able to hold my guns if WW tries to manipulate me to her thinking. All my friends have said that they could see this happening to other people but not to me because I'm such a nice guy. And though I may not have been a great husband, I am a good guy and I don't deserve this type of treatment from anyone, especially from the person that is supposed to be my best friend. I've decided not to be that doormat anymore. I'm tired of being walked all over and feeling bad about it. This is 'her' problem and 'she' needs to figure out a way to make things right again...


...I hope this feeling continues...