My husband was having an affair with a fourty year old divorcee when I found out two years ago. He apologized, asked for forgiveness and said his marriage was everything to him so I gave him another chance. We have been married for 17 years and have two teenage children. Our 13 year old daughter found his love messages on his cell phone two weeks ago to this woman. I told him we needed to be separate for a while before we could decide on anything. He cried for a week, didn't want to leave the house etc. He is now staying at his mothers house but comes to see the children everyday. I can't tell what he wants anymore, but I know he is scared of a legal battle. He will only aggree to a divorce if it is amicable and on his terms.

Is he scared enough to send the OW a no contact letter [that you also read] and start working on your marriage? Has he come clean with you and made his life an open book so you can check up on him?

What is he willing to do to fix the marriage? Are you willing to take him back under certain conditions?

The first time around he aggreed to send a NC letter. He actually wrote it gave it to me and I mailed it but that didn't seem to stop him from hanky pankying around at all. His excuse for the affair is always blaming me for not being compatible with him. In short he wants me to aggree with everything he says and I suppose also turn a blind eye to his flings. He travels a lot so his A is in another city. He has the convenience of his home and the luxury of having fun away. Who would want to give up that. He is now staying at his parents house and visits every day to see the kids. I don't think he is liking it but he still is persistent on his views. I told him the third party had to be out of the picture if he wanted me to talk to him about anything. I'm waiting to see what happens.

BS 38
MD 1986
D-day first time 2001
D-day second time 10/2003
2 kids boy 16, girl 13
WH 41

yay, do you know about Plan A? Often people have affairs because they are vulnerable when their needs are not being met in the marriage. That is not an excuse, but it leads to a condition that makes them vulnerable. Do you have any idea what has led to his affair? Is it the first one he has had?

I would suggest running to the bookstore and getting Surviving an Affair and reading as much as you can on this website. Here is a good start for you. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html

Its hard for me to determine what Plan you should go to because I don't know what has been going on in your marriage since D-Day. Have you tried to work out the problems together? Have you engaged in any lovebusters? What have you done?

Hi, melody lane,
I think I have tried plan A for 2 years trying to be real nice. He claims that he can't aggree with me on any issue. His main problem seems to be that he wants to have full say in any decision regarding the children and is not willing to accept that the children have a very close relationship with me,their mum. I have been their sole caretaker since they were born and there for their every need. Naturally they listen to me more than they do to him. Plus he has been away travelling for most of the time especially when the children were very young and in need of a lot of attention. You sow what you reap. Now he doesn't like it and is in a continuous power struggle with me. The A is either a result of this or that he comes from a very male dominant family who do regard such male behaviour common and as long as no one gets hurt even permissible.This is not his first A. There is one more that I know of which took place about ten years ago which he vehemently denied. It was not a very sexual A, but there was a lot of hanky pankying about and talk on the phone. I think we can work things out and that there really isn't a very big problem but he needs to be more reasonable and understanding of us and less critical in his approach.

I consider myself now somewhere between Plan A and Plan B. I do not talk to him unless necessary and sometimes I must do regarding issues to do with the children and the house. Friends tell me that if I pull away and he feels he is losing it all, he will realize a possible mistake and turn back. I guess I don't really have another choice. I do want him to come back but I want him back if he will love me the way I do him and treat me nicely. Unless he shows me true love, I can't keep giving him one sided love. I really don't know where this whole thing is leading to. These are very hard times.

BS (me) 38
WH 41
MD-1986
D-Day1 2001
D-Day2 2003
2 kids S 16, D 13