but not to me!!! I need your ideas...

But first a quick update. I'm doing so well!!!! I'm happy and OK as I am.I never would have dreamed life could be so good after everything that passed. Sure there are still ups and downs but I can handle them, I react DIFFERENTLY to situations (the real test) and I have heaps of new friends and a new interest - Salsa dancing!!!

Which leads me to where I need the help.

I met a guy one night at Salsa lesson who I dated about 14 years agos - it was quite bizzare as we were both 18 at the time and weren't together long. Anyway, we got talking and it turns out his story is similar (although she didn't leave for another person, but rather a group of people) but its still the same thing - betrayal, anger, grief, loss, rejection.

I couldn't figure out why he's back in my life and in my selfishness I think I've missed the point. See, I'm back in his. I've been through what he is going through and I know I can help him I just don't know how to approach it. He's fairly guarded and from what people who know him better are saying has anger that shows through now and then - he's on the boil. When I was at that stage I couldn't be helped, although I desperately needed people to listen. I was so caught up in it all but the only healing was getting it out - talking about it, writing about it.

Is is much different for men? Are they less likely to accept help? How should I approach this knowing that a) I don;t know him that well and b) there's a bit of an attraction from both sides (hey we did date once before and he's a really lovely guy).

I guess what will be will be and I know I can't force help on him, but I'm sure that's why we've met again. And frankly, no matter what, I don't want to loose him from my life again. He's a special guy and a great person. I'm talking "friends" here by the way.

Any ideas on how to approach it? I've thought of just coming out and saying "I've been where you are and I'm here if you want to talk" - its seems logical.

Chow

Hi, glad you are back and I am glad this time is not about you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>Is is much different for men? Are they less likely to accept help? How should I approach this knowing that a) I don;t know him that well and b) there's a bit of an attraction from both sides (hey we did date once before and he's a really lovely guy).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No differences, it depends on the person. However since generally men are not talkative and like to solve problem by themself, you have to wait until they realize they need help. He is not even there yet.

What get me worry is you !. You might be ready for new R but he is certainly not ready. Also it is not good to help someone and get emotionally involve. You could try to mention this MB site as an ice breaker and start from there.

-rh-

I agree you might be rushing this relationship.

This could be a rebound relationship and those seldom work out.

Right now you might think both of you have so much in common but the truth might be that the only thing you have in common is the pain from your last relationship.

Seahorse:

I'm so glad 2 hear you're doing so well!

About your friend. I do believe that you can't teach him anything he isn't interested in learning, but as your friendship grows, it may become appropriate for you 2 answer his 2uestions from your point of view if he asks them. I know from my own experience that I can't push my W 2 do anything, I can only make suggestions and "harmless hints" when she says or does things that I feel are counterproductive.

People have 2 choose 2 jettison their emotional baggage, things like resentment and anger over what they perceive someone close "did 2 them" on their own. You might be able 2 help, of course, but they have 2 be able 2 see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel themselves, in order 2 be receptive.

Take it slow. You'll do fine!

♥2long

Agree with Redhat -- bring him to MB board. That will take some of the pressure of you to be a savior, and allow friendship to develop along more normal lines.

Hi Again, RH - hello matey!!! thanks for this. Yes, I agree, it may even be too soon for me still. I still feel like I need space, although at least now the thought of a new r dosen't make me feel nervous.

sdfr - well, we have a little more in common than just the pain. We both love our dogs, we SCUBA dive and dance and he does marital arts - something I've always wanted to try. Add to that the fact that we both can't sit still for 5 minutes. Still, I know what you are saying and you're right. I know what I want in my next partner I'm not rushing into anything.

2long -Hello!!! I was thinking of making a couple of harmless hints to his friends something along the lines of "How's ... I really know how he feels right now" and leave it at that. If he wants the help he'll hear the message via them.

Hi AMM- yes, this board is very supportive. Hopefully he will find the path to it or similar help.

Well guys I'll pop back soon
Hasta la vista

Hey Seahorse,

Good to hear from you... you giving, fearless shark swimmer, you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Did you see WAT's post? I think about you often and glad to hear you are doing better. You sound much better.

I thought RH was going to be jealous you were taking salsa lessons without inviting him, maybe the commute was tooo long!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for your friend, well you know the stages. Howz about sharing that for starters? I know you want guys opinions but share with him what helped you. Then you don't have to spill the beans. Kinda like part of the catch up with your life speel.

You are one cool and shrewd lady. I know you will do good. I mean who would want to mess with one who swims with the sharks? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Seahorse,

So glad to see you and hear you are doing well. I have looked for you from time to time but I am not on much anymore. I think the best thing you can do for your friend is listen. I remember just needing to talk, talk, talk about it. And having someone listen was a blessing. Just be a friend, leave it at that and let the chips fall. I know when I started my new R people warned me and I was worried but we've been going strong for almost a year now. I am not saying your R with this man should or will be anything but friends but let life take it course. I am so happy for you and jealous of the dancing sounds fabulous.

Your Friend,

Sharon

Seahorse,

So glad to see you and hear you are doing well. I have looked for you from time to time but I am not on much anymore. I think the best thing you can do for your friend is listen. I remember just needing to talk, talk, talk about it. And having someone listen was a blessing. Just be a friend, leave it at that and let the chips fall. I know when I started my new R people warned me and I was worried but we've been going strong for almost a year now. I am not saying your R with this man should or will be anything but friends but let life take it course. I am so happy for you and jealous of the dancing sounds fabulous.

Your Friend,

Sharon

Hi Again guys!
Hey Orchid, its great to hear from you. Thanks for your kind words. I think a lot about you guys too, I'm ever thankful for your help, and I'm feeling and doing good.

Sharon, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I think once acceptance comes its all much easier and you get on with life.


Well my friend and I have had a couple of chats. He's just started the legal stuff with his xw, and he's angry. We talked at some length about it last week, or rather he talked and I listened. He needs an ear right now, not complictions. It was interesting, once his anger would have scared me, even though it isn't directed at me. Now I can see right through it to the pain it comes from.

Its amazing how much of my own and other's experience I can hear in his words. I noticed how angry he was the other night and commented on it. He said he wasnt' angry. I try to keep it light so I told him he was in denial, he said he wasn't in denial. He's in denial about being in denial - I remember being there!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As I said i don't want to force help on him as there's nothing worse than that, but I think I can be of some support to him.

And don't worry I'm taking it slow, I fly to Buenos Aires in a week and a half and I have no intention of pushing anything along right now. I'll just let it take its own course.

Take care all!
PS both my dad and my dog are well and are good buddies.

Hi Seahorse,
good to see you happy and enjoying life, I wish you great experiences in Argentina as well.
SS is keeping his eye on me and helped me alot with his advice, support, friendship and reassurance. Thank you for directing him my way - belated - but I never realised that.

I am doing better though my M hardly is. I am still hopeful and learning, so whenever you stop back at MB, I will be sure to say Hi.
All the best to You,
FBOW