Ok, for those that have been following my story, here's an update.

I'm still maintaining NC with OW. It's been 2 weeks today.

Have contact with my W at least once a day via phone. Sometimes I call, but mostly her. Went out to dinner and a movie last Friday night and ended up sleeping over (no hanky panky just cuddling). Went over there last night to drop the dog off and she asked me to stay the night, but I said no, and told her that I had soom work I needed to get done.

This was true, but I could have stayed. Why didn't I?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Without the OW in my life I feel my head is pretty clear and am trying to evaluate my marriage. I have the following issues still:

W is still not showing remorse over her EA/PA.

W still unsure she even wants the M.

No relationship talk has taken place since I moved out, so it seems she is happy with the situation.

I am unsure W is maintaining NC with OM. (to be honest here I am beginning not to care anymore and don't think it's worth the energy to investigate)

My needs are not being met, or even addressed.

I am unsure she will ever be willing to met my needs due to her self-centered nature.

I am beginning to think about moving on.


These are modified by the following thoughts:

I still love her dearly.


I am in UGH state. Still on Lexapro so the lows aren't low... but I'm in Blahland. Would just love to see the W show some interest in saving out M. I'm getting so tired of being the only one to carry the torch. Now 5 months after D-Day.

HarryS, I don't want your post to go unanswered and I also don't know what to say to you. You sound... lonely is what you sound. I'm guessing here, so please correct me if I'm wrong.

If you're lonely, why not reach out to your wife and tell her so?

If you're sad and scared, why not do the same?

You'll have to be tremendously gentle in how you do it, and it's hard to do when there's so much hurt and fear on both sides. Still, it sounds to me like your wife wants to see more of you. What's holding you back? What's it going to take for you to be willing to walk into her arms again?

Don't tell ME the answer. Tell her. GENTLY. "I feel X about Y. How do you think we should handle that?" Practice practice practice!

JustJ: Lonely? Oh yeah! And the confounding thing about it is I don't have to be. I could have a 'real' life, with 'real' happiness and leave this misery behind me.

Yes, I have much invested in my M and in my W. We have a history and the list of good things is pretty long, but...BUT I am a man. I hate wallowing and weakness. I hate feeling helpless. I detest being powerless. I rage at the circumstances I find my life in. And the bloody truth of the matter is that SHE screwed the pooch and still doesn't admit culpability for it. It's been 5 months and I'm looking for a bit of restitution. It's getting close to being too late.

Now here's an observation. Why do relationships have to be seesaws? Why is it that the only time she puts any effort into me is when I'm pulling away? How do you stop this? The more I pull away the more effort she puts into pulling me back. And once she pulls me back, then she starts pulling away. Ugh! How do you stop this cycle?

Last night my daughter, W and I went out to dinner. We had a good time and felt very 'familyish'. When I took W home we hung out for awhile and chatted. My daughter went into the office to email her husband (soldier in Iraq) and my W started kissing me and hugging me. She told me she ad a lot of fun and thanked me for dinner. She told me she missed me. I told her I missed her too, but didn't expand. After a few minutes I told her it was time for me to leave. She acted genuinely sad. GOOD!

She called me around midnight to say goodnight.

Ok, I read TMCM's thread about forgivness and focused on the part where forgivness is harder when the WS doesn't show remorse. I agree. She acts like she wants to sweep it under the carpet.

No Way!

I refuse to go back to our previous relationship. That one was so disfunctional.

Catchword of the day... Quid pro quo.

I'm going to tatoo that on my eyelids

Harry you must calmly, respectfully and quietly convey all of what you said on this thread to your W and then leave her alone to ponder your words. She deserves to know where you are emotionally so that she can decide to either rebuild the marriage or end it once and for all. Being her BF 'with benefits' is definitely NOT the way to rebuild the marriage.

TMCM: Here here! My thoughts exactly....

This dating on again/off again bf/gf stuff if for the birds. I can have this with anyone MINUS the pain, doubt and lack of respect.


I am really thinking about just copying this whole thread and emailing it to her. I left the SAA book on the dresser 3 weeks ago when I moved out.....it's still sitting there not having been moved an inch.

But if I send it to her then she will come here and....oh boy, that wouldn't be nice. Not sure if I want her to see my venting place.

As for your exact advice about telling her, talking to her about it, oh man. We're at a point now that I don't know if I can broach another Relationship talk. Our conversation is made of entirely of chit chat. Part of me feels it's a bubble and that if I add anything else but chit chat the whole thing will burst.

Yes, I know the next thing your going to say....

excuses excuses excuses......never saved the farm. Get off my butt and do something.

The wounds are still too fresh, everytime I got off my butt before I got slapped down again, HARD.

damned if I do and damned if I don't.

sometimes I just want to get lost. I've been thinking about going to china/the east for awhile and loosing myself in the world. Not to see anyone, except maybe myself.

Harry the reason why you must convey this to her is that if you don't, she risks continued love unit withdrawls from your love bank until one day all your love for her will be totally gone. If it happens anyway, at least it won't be on your conscience but on hers.

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>