Lisa,

I mostly post to the “In Recovery” board but have noticed your post. I’ve been there, done that. I understand exactly what you are going through right now, so I have empathy and compassion for your feelings and what you are struggling with.

I was involved in a 3-year e-mail friendship at work, which became inappropriate and developed to beginning of EA during 3rd year. Before it became inappropriate, I always viewed x-OM as a ‘father-figure’ and ‘safe & caring friend’, but then I became emotionally attached and attracted to him… At the time I didn’t know about the existence of emotional affairs, but I know my feelings were wrong and felt very guilty about it. My involvement was the typical one as described by Glass in her book “Not Just Friends as follows ''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love''.

Here is a copy from one on my first threads I’ve posted to the MB-forum In January. I think maybe you will associate with some of it. I understand that many BS’s on these boards have there own pain and living hell right now and can’t have any sympathy with any FWS right now and rather act very angry and judgmental. This is the main reason why I never really posted to the boards while I was suffering greatly from withdrawal and only started to post again when I felt fairly good recovered and better able to support and encourage other people. To other BS reading this right now: Maybe the following quote will be helpful and give you some insight into the feelings of a FWS in early recovery:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the biggest lesson I&#8217;ve learned from all of this is that you can&#8217;t judge another until you have walked in the same shoes as them and have done the same mistakes&#8230; Before what happened to me, I was very judgmental towards people who allowed themselves into situations like this, I NEVER thought something like this would EVER happen to me, but now I can better understand and have empathy for the feelings/pain of people who have been in similar situations. This can happen to everyone if not cautious and careful! The best is to avoid any close opposite sex friendships.

Yes, to have an EA/improper friendship is VERY WRONG, but before you&#8217;ve not been in the same situation, you can&#8217;t fully understand the emptiness, the pain, the loss, the grief, the guilt and all the emotions involved for WS's trying to recover from the consequences of having an EA/improper friendship and also from missing the OP/EA/friendship. In my situation I know the feelings I've had have been WRONG but it was the huge sense of loss for the OM and for this fantasy-type friendship, which have been very difficult for me to recover from (and I&#8217;m still in recovery). It was and sometimes is still very hard for me to accept the fact that maybe this friendship was based on all kinds of false pretenses and lies from the OM&#8217;s side all along and that maybe he was only pretending to be a trusting and caring friend and Christian (like he said he was). This was the hardest part for me&#8230;

The loss of this close friend who appeared to understand me and listen so well and appeared to really have my best interest at heart, my &#8216;soul mate&#8217;, now seem like someone who was only &#8216;playing games&#8217; on me all the time and this is very hard to accept and elaborate. To let go of the resentment and get over it, is the right and proper thing to do, I know, but it is not all that easy &#8211; it takes time and hard work on myself and focus on my H and M. I also learned to appreciate my H more than ever. He is the one with the really good qualities and the one who really cares for me and loves me and whom I can trust.

&#8230;deep down while I was having this friendship it felt very wrong sometimes, especially when the friendship and feelings became inappropriate but at the time I was already addicted to this OM/friendship. The fact is, the pain &#8220;deserved&#8221; is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. And at the same time, through your pain and grief, you must also put your focus on your H and M, take responsibility for your actions and also put yourself in your H (BS) shoes in order to fully understand the effect this had on him and the pain you've caused him&#8230; Sometimes it can be very hard and difficult trying to recover from the emotions on both sides of the coin: On the one side recovering from your own pain and loss and on the other side to deal with the pain you've caused your H and work on that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa, you must realize there IS hope and you WILL recover from this if you focus on you H and M and keep NC. Give it time and patience. Feelings for OM will not disappear overnight &#8211; withdrawal is hard - but as you continue in your recovery and keep NC it will fade with time. It&#8217;s also possible that the fog may slip back from time to time &#8211; sometimes it&#8217;s 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards, but eventually it will get better. If I look back know I&#8217;m glad to say that I feel 85% recovered. OM is something of the past now (although some thoughts still pop up from time to time, but it becomes less and less) and residual feelings for OM is almost numb now (the fact that I haven't accidentally bumped into him for the last 2 months was of huge help to overcome residual feelings). Forgive yourself and if you have sincerely repented and confessed your sin, then know that God have also forgiven you. As the one lady once said to me: &#8220;You are not a terrible person. You are a person who made a terrible decision in response to a bad situation that you helped to create.&#8221; We all make mistakes, but we can learn from our mistakes and move on.

Good luck and keep posting. Stay strong.

I will keep you in my prayers,
Suzet

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 06:15 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Suzette

thanks so much for your reply. I know that I'll never fully understand the pain that I've caused my H. He, like most men, keeps all of his feelings bottled up. He is my living proof of what real love is. My OM is what happens when you live in a fantasy world and not reality. I know that I shouldn't have gone off on Coach like I did. He did hit a sensitive area. I certainly do not want anyone to think for a minute that I have not only gone through hell with my feelings but like you said for the pain that I know I have caused him. Please pray for my family. I know that the condemnation I feel is not God's will but for me to move on. I want to feel God's presence again in my life but just don't feel like I'm worthy becaused of this OM. I know that in time that will pass too. Thanks again.

Lisa, it's a pleasure and I will remember to pray for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

During my recovery the following was of great help and I often re-read it on my &#8216;down&#8217; days. Maybe it will also be of some help to you:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ~SOMETIMES~

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be(possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime&#8230; When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season&#8230;

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. Life is an unceasing process of change.

Just as the seeds of the poppy fall back to the earth, only to flourish yet again, so too, will the proverbial circle of life touch our own existence. Hardships may indeed befall us, but the ebb and flow of life energy prods us to survive.

The Bible say: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the sun. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted..."

Whether we are experiencing the death of a loved one, an ended relationship, or grief for the past, as incomprehensible as it may seem, life does go on.

Troubling circumstances and heart-wrenching situations may inwardly tear at our heart and cause us to feel like crumbling, but let us not forget that even in cemeteries grow flowers, grass and trees. Death, be it in the loss of friend or loved one, or mourning for a relationship or friendship failed, indeed has its sting, but as long as Christ promises us hope, life shall not cease.

God's grace is as a healing hand. As does the sweet scent of the poppy linger in the air, the warm memories and love for those we have lost will remain always safe in our hearts. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Life is about living, and that is why God offered us His Son, so that we may have eternal life. A life without Christ will rob one of salvation, but with Him, all things are possible!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

lisa,
i don't think i'm being presumptious when i say that all of us here prey for you! we all wish you and your family well. none of us hate you certainly...only what you did.
coach

Hello Lisa,

I have been thinking of your post , well, since it was posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think that you are beginning to dig deeper as the thread continues which is awesome.

My question is: Have you gone to IC? MC? In order to find the why? and delve into your personal makeup? I think there you will find more information about yourslef, about your m dynamics.

My thoughts on your original question is this: Was what the OM doing loving (and you for that matter)? Is it a loving gesture to participate in a relationship outside a marriage, disregarding the vows, the foundation of the M relationship, the children if any? To ask you to lie, betray, steal moments from others, to play a role? Perhaps that he hasn't is a blessing, for I think that that would add an element of "Well if he loved me why wasn't it enough?" If is is the word 'used' that bothers you, perhaps down the road you can discover how you used him, or more to the point, the EMR for your own benefit. What did you get out of the A, rather than what you got from the OM.

I am a FBW but I have explored this issue with my H. He did say those words during the affair (which broke my heart), but even then he was going to IC (again something I didn't know at the time) and he knew instinctively that he was just saying what he thought OP needed to hear; what he thought was said in an A; he learned months before he told me, that what he was doing was anything but love. What I said above is what he has said to me after lots of reflection. Heck it's been me that has tried to get him to admit his feelings, but he is adament that is was not the 'love' that we speak of when we say it to each other, but more the infatuation of what the R makes one feel (it was that and not the OP) that gave him the motivation.

I hope this all makes sense, I have some little ones running around (hence why I post little now-a-days).

I am glad you are here Lisa.

AG

P.S. The OP is a co-worker yes? ANd your H knows? Well that is a good thing, in that NC will get easier. If H didn't know then (from experience, withdrawal would be all the harder).

Hi Lisa,

I think that I am trying to figure out just what happened and how it happened in my A. You may be in that same place. Sorry I have to comment on coach's response
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i say that all of us here prey for you </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think some are here for just that(prey).

It would be impossible for me to see the OW everyday. We saw each other every day but not because we worked together. I changed my schedule immediately when the A was over but it wasn't really over and it still isn't over. I don't know that it will ever really be over.

I am sure there are those who will say that there is a flaw in my character, a weakness in my integrity or that I am not really a Christian. I know that deep with in me there has been this lingering question for which I had no answer. It was there before I married and there was no answer for it in our marriage. My W and I were and are partners. I think many saw and continue to see us as having a very positive, loving relationship. We still do. She is working on forgiving and rebuilding our home after this devastation that I caused and so am I. I know your heart is right, I know that you would undo all the devastation caused both within you and to your H and family. I know that you didn't plan it this way; that somehow you saw an opportunity to have your questions answered and you decided to grab on to see where it would lead you. Perhaps you have that same "question" within you and like me you thought that this other relationship would provide the answer you needed.

I have dissected the A, myself, our marriage and every meaningful relationship that I have ever had. I've reached into my past to find out if it was my mother, siblings or the alcoholic father I had to explain the reason I am the way I am. I am sure you are doing the same.

I know this you have lost something in this relationship that you had and you would like to have it back. You have to go on like it was a death in your life. A death to a relationship, a season, and moments that you may never experience again. I can't presume to tell you what you must do. I can only say what I've done and see if there is some piece in my puzzle that you can pick up and use for yourself.

I know that I want to preserve my dignity and I see you as wanting that too. I am sure you know how to avoid seeing him and/or becoming very business like and matter of fact, cool aloof, hi/bye etc. Girls are good at this stuff...I've seen them in action...put him on "ignore". As I said before I know your heart is right
H

Hiker

Thanks so much for your reply. You know I was doing pretty good. Today was not a good day though! One step forward, two steps back. I asked him today over the email was it hard or easy to not love me. He said that sometimes it is hard and sometimes it's easy. I asked him about the easy part. He said that it's easy to not love me when I irritate him. I really have to wonder what I ever saw in this OM. I wish that I could be aloof like you suggested. I should have enough pride to do just that!! Don't be so hard on yourself. It's hard to be real and admit that you're struggling. It's hard to hear the criticisms that sometimes are voiced on the forum too. Ultimately, we all have to find what works for us so that we can get on with our lives and rebuild are M's. I do have to say one thing about myself though. I'm discovering that I'm very much a co-dependent type personality and that scares me. I should care less what the OM feels/felt about me one bit. I am so glad that I didn't wind up in an abusive marriage because it's kinda scary how I still allow myself at times to gravitate to the OM when he has done nothing for me.

Suzette

Thanks so much for sharing. The "Sometimes" reading that you sent me meant so much!!

Gosh you people are so dead on. Right now Lisa as well as I are still in the fog. The obsession with the OMM, the anticipation, the insanity.
I had a great session with my therapist this morning and I was finally able to be honest with her and myself about what is going on here.
Yes like I said I have issues in my marriage that developed long before I had even an idea that I would have an EMA. These issues need to be addressed no matter what. My husband is a great guy who loves me. I do love him and I am starting to realize that again after only 19 hours of NC with Mr.Y.

I am starting to see that Mr.Y is a very selfish person and he likes this game of cake-eating that he is playing. Believe it or not, I am a type of person that doesn't want drama or games, I am just looking to have all my needs fulfilled and some inner happiness. I thought that OMM was the answer. Well, I am starting to see that I am wrong. I don't want to have an affair, I want to be with someone that loves me and I love equally. Is it my H? I am not sure and haven't been for years. However, I do know that I need to take a long hard HONEST look at myself and find out what is wrong with ME and not my H and not my M. The problem starts within me.

2 things I NEED to do right now.
1) NC w/ Mr.Y at all (and not give in to his attempts)
2) Be honest with myself and to my H

A little at a time and I hope that I can be strong through all of this.

Lisa I hope you and I can do the right thing. I think what we need to remember is that validation needs to come from within, not from H, not from OM, not from anyone, but from us. I am trying!!!

mrsx

you are so right about the game playing. I don't have the worry of the OM making attempts. He is completely competent of totally ignoring me now which I know is good. I know that I was totally selfish if having an A but like you said, I never played games about my feelings/emotions. He came on at the start that his marriage was in the same state as mine. Then a few months later, actually told me, right after S, that his wife is his soul mate. Now I know I've got some serious issues personally to deal with. If I had thought for one minute that my H was my soul mate a year ago I would have never iniated an A with any man!! The OM is 52 and I'm 42 and I adored him. I know that's wrong and I'm not condoning for a minute my actions with him, please understand that. I think that I just fed his ego!! I think that I've read too many romance novels and watched too much TV to understand this. I used to think that while we were having S that is was love but I was so wrong. I was just an outlet because he and his W weren't sleeping together.

Sorry for rambling. I need to stay at his Angry stage and quit going back and forth with the "hurt with him" stage!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa Rodney:
<strong> mrsx

you are so right about the game playing. I don't have the worry of the OM making attempts. He is completely competent of totally ignoring me now which I know is good. I know that I was totally selfish if having an A but like you said, I never played games about my feelings/emotions. He came on at the start that his marriage was in the same state as mine. Then a few months later, actually told me, right after S, that his wife is his soul mate. Now I know I've got some serious issues personally to deal with. If I had thought for one minute that my H was my soul mate a year ago I would have never iniated an A with any man!! The OM is 52 and I'm 42 and I adored him. I know that's wrong and I'm not condoning for a minute my actions with him, please understand that. I think that I just fed his ego!! I think that I've read too many romance novels and watched too much TV to understand this. I used to think that while we were having S that is was love but I was so wrong. I was just an outlet because he and his W weren't sleeping together.

Sorry for rambling. I need to stay at his Angry stage and quit going back and forth with the "hurt with him" stage!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell me about it. Mr.Y told me before we even developed an R that he wasn't happily married. Now who knows how true this is? He is lying to his WIFE! Why should I think he is telling me the truth. Believe me for the longest time I have been hanging on to the "good" feelings of our R. The kissing, talks, walks in the park, rollerblading, SEX, laughs, etc. But for some reason I am ignoring the resentment, hurt and jealousy and disappointment of the A. I think it's because I don't want to admit that I have been living in a fantasy. I think I don't want to admit that I am not good enough for him to leave her?? Maybe this *is* a game for me, too? But on a different level? Maybe his attention and "love" fulfilled some empty space inside of me that contains my insecurities? I don't know. It's only been 20 hours since last contact and I am still very confused and fogged out. I am just trying to be honest with myself so that I don't absolutely go nuts and destroy everything. One second at a time.

And remember we aren't bad people for what we have done. Everyone makes mistakes, and I am definitely NOT condoning what we did but at the same time we can't take it back and can't change it. It is what it is. Just try to do something nice for yourself today. Go get a massage or a manicure or a hairdo. Keep telling yourself that you don't need his reassurance that you are loved. This is what I am doing. Honey, you and I are in the same boat. We need to try hard right now because it is so easy to slip back into the insanity and I think I only get myself deeper and deeper into it and farther away from reality each time Mr.Y and I "get back together".

((((HUGS LISA)))) Send me a Private email if you want to talk. I am also on AIM I will give u s/n if u want. Maybe we can help each other?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

mrsx

I think that we are probably very much at the same stage right now. You know what's funny about the OM in my case is that I never even wanted him to leave is BW nor I was going to ever leave my H. All I want/wanted, more than anything, was just to know that he loved me and didn't just use me. I used to give him cards, little gifts, etc. He never gave anything on my birthday last year, which also happens to be in 14 days. I have a lot of bad memories right now. Last year I asked for a "hug" on Christmas Eve, he didn't have time. Why did I stay in the A for almost a year!! I allowed him to hurt me and I still do by trying to get some form of verbal admittance from him. He absolutely resents me for sharing my feelings to him. I have to say on my behalf that I have not held anything back on telling him what i think about
his games and the fact that he obviously has no heart!

Thanks for allowing me to vent today and please do give me your sn.

I sure hope that you're day gets better too mrsx!!

Lisa,

You said something I thought I would comment on. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had thought for one minute that my H was my soul mate a year ago I would have never iniated an A with any man!! The OM is 52 and I'm 42 and I adored him. I know that's wrong and I'm not condoning for a minute my actions with him, please understand that. I think that I just fed his ego!! I think that I've read too many romance novels and watched too much TV to understand this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you thought your H was your soulmate???? Do you realize that most people come here because they don't think their spouse is their soul mate. Oddly it seems to be true if the person is the BS or the WS or neither. Not all mind you, but many have this feeling. Most WSs feel this way for sure.

One of things that will happen Lisa if your marriage is to survive is that you will need to change your perspective on your H. If you read Harley's articles on needs the one thing he notes is that often one spouse is TRYING to be a good spouse and meet needs or thinks they are, WHILE completely missing the target. I would bet dollars to donuts your H always loved you Lisa, and he was showing you his love...in his way.

IF you are to rebuild your marriage you will need to recognize two things. One you will have to see your H for who he is, and see the love he gives you in HIS way. You need to accept that love. Next, as you two communicate he will come to recognize that you need for him to do somethings slightly differently, but what he probably doesn't have to change is his love for you, it is there already or He would be gone from this marriage.

Right now you are focussing on the OM. Did he really love you? Was he really your soulmate? How you have failed your H and perhaps you are thinking the same about OM. OM is your focus, this is part of withdrawal.

Did you notice the list of things that mrsx did with her OM? Now if her H is working, and there are kids how is a lot of that going to happen? Unless, her H works with her and can take lunches with her? You see the opportunity for fantasy is great, but this great lover that she has for an OM, is NOT a great husband. He is not a good enough lover to make his W happy.

My comments about your H being your soulmate, are addressed to the issue of we see what we want to see. We feel what we want to feel. Your H is very likely as much of a soulmate to you as your OM was. You just needed to focus on his good points not his bad. You focused on OM's good points, I am sure his W could mention a few bad ones.

Perspective Lisa, it is all about perspective. I came her because my perspective of my marriage was not good. As I read, learned, read more, communicated, my perpective changed and so did my marriage. My marriage changed because I changed, pure and simple it was about me.

Please think about this. As you move along your path, I think you will see things differently.

God Bless,

JL

JL

Thanks so much for your response. My head knows that you are absolutely right about everything you said!! My stupid heart is what gives me problems. As I have mentioned in the past, this webside is a Godsend to me. It's like having your very own place (support group) that you can go to..any time..day or night..and get support.
I need the insight desperately. I have also that I need the criticisms as well, even though they sting sometimes!!! It shocks back to reality and what I've done to my H. I am amazed at some of the posts that I have received from BS's with compassion for me. That blows me away!! They didn't ask to be put in the situations that they are having to deal with. I had complete control over my choices and chose wrongly!! If these BS's can get to the point that they are at in recovery then I know that I can and my H can.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa Rodney:
<strong> mrsx

I think that we are probably very much at the same stage right now. You know what's funny about the OM in my case is that I never even wanted him to leave is BW nor I was going to ever leave my H. All I want/wanted, more than anything, was just to know that he loved me and didn't just use me. I used to give him cards, little gifts, etc. He never gave anything on my birthday last year, which also happens to be in 14 days. I have a lot of bad memories right now. Last year I asked for a "hug" on Christmas Eve, he didn't have time. Why did I stay in the A for almost a year!! I allowed him to hurt me and I still do by trying to get some form of verbal admittance from him. He absolutely resents me for sharing my feelings to him. I have to say on my behalf that I have not held anything back on telling him what i think about
his games and the fact that he obviously has no heart!

Thanks for allowing me to vent today and please do give me your sn.

I sure hope that you're day gets better too mrsx!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure I really want Mr.Y to leave Mrs.Y either. I do know that subconsciously I want him to profess his undying love for me and to tell me that he loves only me. Darnit he just called my cell and I am ignoring it. Right now it is ringing and I feel like I am having a panic attack. OMG!!!
OK back to the message...well I don't know what I want actually. That is where my problem lies. A few days of contemplating may help me see things clearer.

OK honey email me at MRSX4NOW(NOSPAM)@aol.com but delete the (NOSPAM) part of the address. I only put it there in case there are bots trying to get email addresses from the site. I will then email you back my current AIM s/n and then we can chat. I look forward to hearing from you. Hang in there. I am! (by a thread)

mrsx

I can't imagine how hard that is for you to see his name/number come up on your caller id. I guess I'm really fortunate that the OM in my case doesn't give a d about talking to me now.

You hang in there!!!! I'm counting on you to be strong for me, ok?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa Rodney:
<strong> mrsx

I can't imagine how hard that is for you to see his name/number come up on your caller id. I guess I'm really fortunate that the OM in my case doesn't give a d about talking to me now.

You hang in there!!!! I'm counting on you to be strong for me, ok? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's horrible, quite frankly. He called from his work cell, his personal cell, his home phone number and then leaves messages of guilt telling me that I am not being fair and he can't live without my frienship. Well I don't want to live without his either, but I can't continue like this! What I want I am sure isn't what I need. But boy do I want it! Ha!! Well I guess I will have to confront him again and ask him politely and tell him that I mean NO CONTACT!!
Have a great day Lisa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa Rodney:
<strong> JL

If these BS's can get to the point that they are at in recovery then I know that I can and my H can. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow! I just read this post and that is an excellent point! WOW

Lisa

This Beau…I am not a BS. I am the son of a father that had many affairs and committed grave errors that hurt a lot of people. I derive no joy in being hard on mrsx. It actually pains me to point out inconsistencies in the way she thinks. Affairs are irrational. The people in affairs make decisions and say things that are basically insane. By that I mean that the remarks don’t make sense or are inconsistent from one message to another.

We are trying to punch a hole in the fantasy that you and mrsx have been in during and after the affair so that your thinking return too normal. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. When we say something that causes you or mrsx to be uncomfortable or feel guilt or remorse, your reaction is to deny that what we say is the truth.

No contact is a good example and this applies equally to you. So long as the two of you have contact with the OM, even if the contact is minimal, you will not let go of the fantasy, which is the affair. Logically you know that affairs are wrong. But, you found yourself in an affair doing things that you know to be wrong. The way to breakout of that behavior is no contact. With no contact the fantasy will begin to disappear. It may take weeks or months for that to happen depending on how emotional attached you are but with time you will begin to think rationally. If contact occurs, even minimal contact, the fantasy remains strong. That’s why I have been hard on mrsx and would be equally hard on you.

Don’t destroy your marriage or your family. Don’t be left with guilt and regret. Breakout of that behavior. You will feel so much better for doing so.

SonofWF

You know what is so crazy in my case. If you'll read all of my posts, is the fact that I experienced a WF too when I was 17. He and my mother reconciled a year later but I still remember to this day the hurt it caused us. He wasn't a part of my wedding or anything during that year. My mother was very bitter and we pretty much were made to feel that to have contact with him was betraying her.

Thank you so much for your reply and you are so right about everything you said!!