Sally, dear....

I'm quite obviously in no position to judge...so I'm not going to. But I am going to ask why you are here....

Recognizing that this is a Marriage Builders board, you are talking about what you should have done to keep OM. Somehow it seems a little contradictory in nature.

You are probably going to get little sympathy here unless you are truly committed to working on your M. And far-be-it for me to act like I know why you are here.....so again, I will ask you....

Why are you here? What do you want? What are you willing to do to get there?

Good luck, Sally....

i dont know why i am here...despeartely searching for answers...still need OM, still want my marriage.

Very upset and confused...sorry,

i should look elsewhere for support..

Sally.

Sally,

I'm by no means telling, or even asking you to leave. In fact, I would encourage you to stay. Oddly enough, my post to you was not targeted. It was simply meant for you to look into yourself and see what you really want.....

Do you want a life with OM? Do you want to break up your family? If you could have happiness with your H that you think you have with OM, would that be good enough for you?

Sally, I am not going to flame you. I was a WW also. You are confused, and that is OK. The fact that you are here, though, is saying something.....that you know what you are doing may really not be what you truly want. Or what you know is right for your family.

Something that may really help you is to explore your attraction and feelings for OM as an addiction. Do you find that you know what is best for you and your family, yet you can't seem to give OM up? Do you feel drawn to him in a moment of need, but then feel bad later?

Sally, I would never ask anyone to leave. But I will ask that you really look into yourself and figure out what is drawing you to this board. Possibly because it is showing you that there is hope after an A? I know that's how I got here.

Believe it or not, I came on here only 1week after my last contact with my OM. I came here before I even confessed to my H. Truthfully, many of us have similar stories....in fact, most A's have the similar components. Read some of the books recommended here on this website....you will feel as if someone read into your soul.

The good news is this - if you are willing to help yourself, you can do it, and you can make it. But you have to take control. You feel like you've lost it right now. That's understandable. But take it back. Take it back for your own self esteem. For your own family.

Keep posting here. But also know that there are a lot of people here who are on the other side of the situation - they are the ones who are betrayed, and their pain runs deep. Deeper than you or I will ever experience. They may come across as harsh. Their comments may hurt. But honestly, there will be a large degree of truth in each one.

Please try not to shy away. Say your feelings here. But don't expect to be supported if you really want to stay with OM. If you really want some guidance, then take a good hard look at yourself, and face up to some of these questions. It's a tough road. I'm still in the very beginning of it myself....but it can be done. Happiness can be found. Have faith.

PS - I really am sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to seem cruel.

Hi Lost;

I can only tell you the things I DO know.

I do love my husband and children, We have had problems, yes. My husband is very jealous, impatient and controlling. He sees it as "in my best interests" which I know he does mean. He cant stand other men even looking at me, sexy clothing etc etc. This has been a sore spot for some time.

I DO know he truly loves and cares about my well being (my husband).

I DO know that neither the Other man NOR myslef wish to leave our spouses.

I DO know that we connected emotionally and careabout eachother.

What I dont know is:

If I was/am infatuated?

If i want to lose his freindship forever.

THis has been 5 long days for me....I am just tryin to take it hour by hour at this point, hell minute by minute.

Maybe it would be better if the OM did reply saying dont ever write me back, its over.

i dunno...just never in a MILLION years would have seen ME in this predicament.

And I do feel for all of you people who are the BETRAYED. Maybe one day I will be a strong enough person to be on here to help someone.

Thanks for your adivice, and you werent sounding cruel.

Thanks.

You know Sally,

The hardest part about ending an A is how black and white it really is.

You said that you do not want to leave your H. But in reality, you know you cannot live the rest of your life in an A. So now you are at a point where you must choose. And it's very difficult to know that you will need to give up that very emotional support that OM is giving you.

But when you really look at the future, having H and OM both there is not a viable option. Truthfully.

What you are living for right now is the moment. And moment by moment, you are wishing just once more for that reassurance from OM. Because you "feel better" for the moment. But look at how torn you are now. You feel empty. You feel scared. You feel guilty, yet needy for OM all at the same time.

It's remarkably similar to a drug withdrawal. Drugs make you feel good for a little while. Then when you start to feel bad again, you can hardly wait until the next time - knowing you will feel good again - even if just for the moment. But then, as you get more addicted, you need more and more to get the same feeling. And the longer you have to go without it, the worse it feels. Even as you can see it destroying your life and your family, you don't want to give it up. You can't see giving it up. It seems as if it is a part of you. It gives you what you need when you need it. Yet you can see (and now even feel) the devastation that it is causing.

Sally, your A manifests much like an addiction. Would you let an alcoholic or a heroin addict have "just a bit?" That would be like trying to remain friends with OM. That "little bit" will lead to more and more, and soon you are right back to where you started.

My guess is that you really know what you want. And that is your family. But by living in the moment, you are craving that one "fix" - the one opportunity to feel again. Yet you know that it is not anywhere near what is "good" for you.

You know how people stop an addiction? By stopping it all together - all at once. Not thinking about it. Not waiting for the "feeling" to go away. Not truly by "weaning" themselves. The only way to beat an addiction is to stop the activity altogether.

The cravings....the urges.....will be strong at first. But you must believe that you can get past it. The hard cold truth is that you can't keep going on like this forever. You know you can't. And yet, the longer you continue this, the harder it will be to give it up.

The trick is that you already know all this, don't you. The only difference is that you haven't done it yet. Partly because you are scared to. Partly because you just don't want to. But you know you need to.

If a 20 year old boy started smoking....wouldn't you tell him that he should stop? You might use reasons that he could get addicted. The longer he smokes, the more addicted he will get. The harder it will be for him to give it up. The more damage he will do to himself. And if he really was addicted, you would know that he couldn't pick up another cigarette for the rest of his life. Because as soon as he picked it up again, all the old addiction would come back, and he would be right at square 1 again.

Think of it as an addiction, Sally. Because that's really what it is. I'm not going to say that the feelings are not real. But that they are misrepresented. You probably did connect very strongly to OM. I don't doubt that. But sometimes in life, we give up what "feels" good for what is right, and what will benefit everyone involved in the long run.

And believe it or not, you really can find happiness with your H again. Just look at some of the success stories on this board. Many times, you will find things with your S that you never had before. Many end up with a better M than before.

I am going to start your own thread, so that we don't take too much of Lisa's. I don't think you are a bad person at all, Sally. After all, I had an A too. And one thing I have had to accept is that we all make mistakes. I'm having trouble forgiving myself with that one right now. But we can own up to them, and start to do what we know is right. Start to live in an honorable way....

I think you can find much guidance here....definitely keep posting, and if some people seem harsh, know that it is purely out of their desire to help you and to guide you.

LIT

That was excellent advice for Sally. I needed to read that too!!

Thanks

Sally

Reading your post is like going back and reading my own. Listen to LIT's advice. I could not add anything to what she has said. I personally think that you did right in ending it. That is good for your dignity. Please keep posting. People here care very much about you. Sometimes you will get what you feel is hurtful things said, but they are for your own good. It's kind of like reverse psychology. It's to shake out of the fog so you can see things more clearly.

Keep in touch, please. I'm praying for you

Lisa

Lisa

I am very pleased that you are coming into the “sunlight.” Even though the A has been over for 2 months it still tugs are your heart. I truly feel the pain that you have experienced during withdrawal. Every day in little ways the pain will hurt less and less.

Have you considered writing a no contact letter to OM stating that the affair is completely over never to be rekindled and that you want no contact of any kind? Think about this. The letter will bring closure to the A. Get H to help write the letter (build trust with H) then drop it in the mail.

Why don’t you and H go through the emotional needs questionnaire (if you haven’t already) and determine what went wrong. What was missing from the marriage? Then commit to rebuilding the love and passion the two of you once had for the other. It’s hard work but you have learned so much in the past few months about what real love is about that I know that you can do it.

You deserve love and happiness. God would not want it any other way.

Beau


p.s.- I’ll tell you about myself in the next post.

Beau

I have to admit that I have written the NC letter and I am the one that breaks it everytime. He is leaving me alone. It is I that must enforce the NC. I'm praying for a good week. My birthday happens to fall on Thanksgiving Day!! I'll be 42! What a long year this has been.

Lisa


You are putting your hand on a hot stove over and over and over thinking that the next time it will not burn and every time you are wrong! Why do you keep trying to get OM to see you? What if he we’re to see you again? You would be back at square one with the A except this time your H and D would no longer tolerate you bad behavior. Perhaps, you think that they will continue to put up with your behavior but you are wrong. Everyone has limits.

I’ll tell you a little about myself because you are headed in the same direction as my father. My dad cheated on my mother and brother and me for almost twenty years. I’ve had women like you call me and tell me how much my dad loved them. I’ve seen my dad in intimate conversations with women like you. I’ve seen him begin talking and flirting with women and string them along only to dump them after he used them. I’ve seen him breakup more than one marriage.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that the A with OM was different that it was special. The only thing that is special about what you have done is the pain and suffering that you have caused your H and D. They will never forget what you have done.

When I was 25 my parents divorced. I called my father’s hand on his bad behavior and broke off all contact with him. That was after I kicked his A**. He never regretted his A’s. He never apologized. He never attempted to make amends for treating his family so terribly. One Saturday morning, I received a call from the last OW telling me that my dad had had a heart attack and died. I didn’t shed a tear for him. He didn’t deserve to be loved by the people he hurt. He was a selfish person that only thought about his needs.

You are playing with your H and D feelings. I can’t begin to express to you how damaging and how painful what you are doing is to your family. If you have the ability to feel anything for another person...you will stop this insanity.

Beau

Beau

I think you misunderstood or maybe I didn't explain the NC that I was talking about with the OM. I mean, just talking to him at work on a casual basis. I haven't seen him away from the office in 2 months. My NC that I'm trying to establish now is just the fact that I keep bringing things up about the A not in an effort to see him again but to punish him. I want him to feel as bad as I do. I know that's immature and I've got to get over that. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through with your dad. My dad's one A about killed us. I have one D and one S, neither one knows about my A and I intend to keep it way. Beau, my H has been wonderful to me. I am very blessed. I've got to let go of the bitterness that I feel towards the OM. It's time to heal.

Lisa


You are kidding yourself if you think you kids will not find out about the affair. They already know in their gut that something is wrong. You cannot hide the range of emotions that you have gone through without your kids knowing that something has happened. Just last week you were ready to kill yourself!

One day it will come out and then you will see the pain of your actions up close in the eyes of your children. Children idolize their mother. No matter how old they are. You have already broken their hearts; they just don’t know it yet. Love and trust issues will plague them for the rest of their lives because of your selfishness.

Your father had an affair and you have followed in his footsteps. Do you “see” now how love and trust issues are passed on to children? In your mind, you were able to justify the A, just like your dad. You are looking for love that you did not receive as a child. No matter how many affairs you have you will not find the love you seek from an OM.

Lisa – No Contact means - No Contact. It doesn’t mean that you talk at work or try to punish him for the A. My advice to you, if you care for your family, is to resign and work elsewhere.

Beau

Beau

I realize that I need to find employment elsewhere and I am actively seeking it. I am praying for a door to open somewhere!!
I truly don't think I'll ever be able to let go completely until I have total distance from him.

Lisa

One last bit of advise. When you are stronger tell your children about the affair. It is far better that they know the truth from you than to learn half-truths about their mother from other people. Often times, the half-truths are totally false but they will carry those emotions in their hearts as the “truth” unless you tell them otherwise.

Lisa- don’t wait until you find another job to do the right thing for your family. Quit now. The money problems can be over come but you need to completely cut off all contact with OM now.

Beau

Lisa,

I wish you the best in finding a new job. You said something that I thought I might comment on. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you misunderstood or maybe I didn't explain the NC that I was talking about with the OM. I mean, just talking to him at work on a casual basis. I haven't seen him away from the office in 2 months. My NC that I'm trying to establish now is just the fact that I keep bringing things up about the A not in an effort to see him again but to punish him. I want him to feel as bad as I do. I know that's immature and I've got to get over that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Punishment??? Is your H punishing you? If not, then why do you feel the need or responsibility to punish your OM? It is not your job to punish someone who you should not even be speaking with. It is not your job to judge him, or convict him. If he does not learn from this, if he doesn't feel pain from this, he will eventually be punished in ways you cannot imagine.

Lisa, your job is to stop punishing; yourself, OM, H, or anyone else. Your job is to build and rebuild trust, self-confidence, love, and surely your marriage. Focus on the job Lisa, not the fantasy. You are NOT powerful enough to judge and punish OM, you are only human. So focus on the good things in your life. Get up and look at the good things in your life and give thanks for them. This is the perfect week for doing that. See your H for the good that is in him, your children the same, and yes see yourself for the good that is in you.

Your job is to build love, respect, trust, marriage, not to tear down anything. Do your job, and start with yourself. Quit talking to OM completely. I know it is hard, but stop doing it, and when you feel the urge call your H. If you worry about bothering him, tell him you are going to call and talk to him alot right now. You NEED him very much right now and let him know you do.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Lisa

Wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and the hard times you are going through.

Beau

Lisa,
We moved because of the OM. And praying for him & his wife didn't help me get over it any quicker. Instead pray that God break the unholy onds that were formed between the two of you . . . and try to find a different josb. Yes!

Lisa

Happy Bithday!!

Beau

Thanks for the Happy Birthday wishes!!
I hope that everyone had a good Thanksgiving.