My WW and I had our first joint session with Steve H. last Thursday. It went very well I thought. He didn't ask me to do anything except spend as much quality time with my FWW as I felt comfortable with, and encourage her as much as possible. He talked with my W for quite a while one on one and when it was my turn he told me that he had given her some exercises to do that were designed to develop habits beneficial to a good M if she practiced them over time. He was obviously vague to me as to what these were, which was fine, he's the coach you know.

I have been thinking that there are issues in my W past that she has failed to deal with that have been a big factor in the destructive, selfish behavior she has shown, not just with me but with other people in her life that are close to her. I have made Steve aware of my concerns in the past, but he has barely brought up such things and instead has focused on changing her habits and her approach to different things in our M.

I have worried that until my W deals with these issues that she will not be able to sustain any meaningful change in herself over the long term. As I have thought about this more I am wondering if I'm the one that is focused on the wrong things. My W has, with the help of an IC, been able to figure out and articulate to me how the things that happened to her growing up effected her. Is simply being aware of this the important thing and learning new behavior and practicing it until it becomes habit the really important part? It makes sense that learning the reasons why we do the things we do isn't nearly as important as figuring out what the bad behaviors are and concentrating on fixing them through practice. Am I starting to figure this out or am I right to be more concerned about unresolved issues in my W past keeping her from changing over the long run?

Starman, I'm not a therapist so I don't have any idea what the psychology answer is, here. Still, every single thing we do other than breathing, digesting, and having our hearts beat is learned.

We learn to process visual inputs: We learn to see.

We learn to process auditory inputs: We learn to hear.

We learn to control the movements of our hands and feet: We learn to hold a toy and to walk.

I've watched my daughter do this. It took her TEN MONTHS to learn this stuff.

It's amazing. All the things she needs to know how to do just to survive, she's learned so quickly!

Now, what if she learned to do one of these things "wrong"? She's going to be learning to hold a spoon and feed herself with it in the next few months. I betcha anything she'll hold it "wrong" for many months, and use it fine that way. Eventually, we'll teach her the "right" way to do it.

Will she have to overcome that habit? You betcha. Will she have to struggle to remember to do it the "right" way instead of the "wrong" way? Ayup. Does that make it impossible to learn the "right" way? Nah. It just makes it a little more work.

Sooooooo..... I think that knowing that your wife has a LOT of old habits and thought patterns to overcome is a good thing, because it means that you'll be more willing to be patient and will realize that when she goes back to a behavior she's trying to overcome, she's just forgotten and is holding the spoon "wrong."

I don't think, though, that "unresolved issues" are any of your business. Her honesty IS your business, and the fact that she's being honest with you is wonderful. However, it's her ACTIONS that make the difference for you. You aren't in her head, so don't guess about what ought to be in her head. Watch the actions that she's learning. Keep notes, maybe. Compare a conversation in Week 1 with a conversation in Week 5. Is there a difference? Is it better for you? When you know the answers, then share them with her honestly either way.

And make sure that you take note of changes that work for you. This is HARD WORK she's doing. It's hard work you're doing, too, and it's important to take frequent breaks to reward yourself and her.

Starman,

You are an amazing guy, and I hope this works for you.

As a small child, I had problems with my feet. The doctor could have operated and corrected the problem by surgery. Instead he had my mother get special shoes, and had me do exercises and walk a different way than I was used to.

I formed a habit that changed the structure of my feet as I grew. My feet turned out Ok in the end.

We change both ways. We can can change ourselves inside, and our actions usually follow. Or we can change our habits, and that changes us inside over time. Sometimes that second way is the only way someone can get started, because they get stuck somehow.

It would be hard after all the things you have been through to have faith this is going to work. You'll just have to try it for a while.

Trust Steve, he does this for a living, and the rest of us tell stories, and prop each other up. And speaking of propping up, I bet you can make another couple of weeks of this. I would bet on it.

So, now that I've said about the same thing as J in diferent words, I think I'll go home from work.

SS

Thanks J and SS. Yes I can make it for a while longer. I was SO afraid to even start down this road at first because I didn't want to revisit all the bad feelings. It has been much easier than I thought it would be.

Even though the hurt and anger has eased tremendously, the truth is that I still have moments of it everyday. What has been a pleasant surprise up to this point is that it hasn't gotten any worse since I've opened my mind a little more to this. I can see the sincere effort that my W is making, and although it has been a very short time, I believe it is helping me forgive her which is a good thing regardless.

The biggest change so far has been in me. Another big part of my apprehension was being afraid that I would let my W back into my heart only to see her fail me yet again. I'm not afraid of that anymore because I know that I am strong enough to let her back in if I wish and will still be able to cut her loose if I don't feel that it will work for whatever reason. There is a calmness and a strength in my soul that I have never felt before. It's hard to describe in words but it is like I have been caged for years and now I have this awesome feeling of freedom. I know that all sounds really corny, but it sure feels good!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"There is a calmness and a strength in my soul that I have never felt before. It's hard to describe in words but it is like I have been caged for years and now I have this awesome feeling of freedom. I know that all sounds really corny, but it sure feels good!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I know where my happy pills went. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But seriously, what you are describing is what is called emotional detachment. You are not detaching from love but from the fear, frustration and resentment that had gripped your soul since d-day. This is the best place to be when life altering decisions need to be made. It is a very empowering place to be.