I am a newbie here so I hope I use the proper abbreviations. Here is my situation. Three weeks ago I found out that my W has been having multiple A's over the last few years (I think). My W did not tell me about the A's until I had unrefutable evidence of one. When I confronted her with the evidence she admitted that it wasn't the only time. We are still living together and are in MC. Unfortunately, my W refuses to tell me about the other A's, she says it will only bring more pain to us and the other OP.

W will not take responsibility for what happened. She blames me, and her addiction to alcohol and drugs. The good thing is that she is now in a 12 step program for those problems and has renewed her faith by rejoining our church.

I do want to be able to continue being married to my wife because I still love her no matter what happened and I definately don't want to become a part time Dad just because my wife couldn't say no. The problem I am having is that I don't believe that we will be able to rebuild our relationship if she continues to keep secrets (won't tell who, how long, how many A's, etc.) I guess I feel like the reason she won't tell me is that she wants to be able to continue being friends with the OM. It makes me feel like the consolation prize.

Anyway, I have been reading the information on this site but I guess I'm not sure how to put it into practical use. Do any of you have any suggestions?

BS (me) 36
WS 29
S 9 and 6
D 2
found out 10-28-03

brad - Read all about Plan A - that's where you can start. Your W is just like all the others, blaming her poor choices on you, alcohol, etc. Don't take anything she says personally. People that cheat are looking for something to fill a void in their life. Luckily she is in a 12 step program. You should see changes in her soon, if she sticks with it. In the meantime you need to read all about Plan A, and stick with it. Post here when you can, there are lots of people with great advice, and just telling your story really helps. Good luck, you have found the right place.

Brad

I'm sorry you are here. But I also welcome you to MBs. You have taken the right step...

I'm kinda new here myself. I've learned alot and there are some very knowledgable people that post here. If you continue reading, you will find these people. I started by reading from this site then I found some great books that have helped me along. If you haven't gotten the book Surviving an Affair by Harley, that would be my first suggestion. Some other great sources are, His Needs/Her Needs by Harley, Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis and Torn Asunder. I don't remember the author to the last one. All excellent books with a wealth of information in them.

Another great site is Dearpeggy.com It has some great info on it also. I think you should read the article about Joseph's Letter. It is under Rebuilding the Marriage; The Need to Know. Let your wife read the letter there... Keep reading and posting. You will get alot of support here. Just know you are not alone, you have good people here that will help you through this...

Brad as I read your story I could see the story of my first marriage with my XWW who also had multiple A's during the years that we were married. Just like your WW, my XWW blamed me for her affairs, yet she nonetheless continued having them, until I lost all love for her and divorced her. Taking responsibility for her affairs and dumping the latest OM for good, would be the first positive steps in helping to rebuild the marriage. Obviously you can't force her to do any of the two, but you can implement Plan A and, if things don't change for the better (being open and honest with you, MC with an MB oriented professional, following a marital recovery plan based on Harley's Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage), then you can implement Plan B.

The best advice I can give you is for you to read every article from Dr Harley on this website and to also read his books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'.

While there are no guarantees that doing a perfect Plan A/Plan B your marriage will be saved, you will come out of this ordeal a much better person no matter what the final outcome of your marriage turns out to be.