Questions: How did/do you feel about your BS's attempts to win you back from the OP while you were/are still involved with the OP?

Did their attempts drive you further away?

Were you touched in some way by your BS's gesture of reaching out to you?

Were you turned of by it?

This is kind of a tricky one for me. My H and I TRIED to get back together 2 times while I was in an A. On one hand I wanted him to persue me and woo me. Wine and dine me treat my like a queen like he did when we were dating. I wanted him to talk to me and confide in me and tell me his feelings. If you go back and read a few of my posts you will know H is not good at talking or sharing his feelings. I wanted the knight in shining armor, Bluto and Popeye, I wanted him to try to win my love. But on the other hand I just wanted him to leave me alone because I felt bad for what I had done. I needed to tell him how bad I felt and what had happened in my life apart from him but he didnt want to hear any of it. We have not lived together for a year and a half now and I am chasing him now. Deep down I still want to see that knight in shining armor jump out but I know it wont for quite a while. I found too that as a WS I didnt see the things he did b4 so rather than the effort the size of a grape I wanted something the size of a watermelon. Dont know the words to explain that I hope it makes sense. I also think it really just depends on the person is your S someone that NEEDS to be loved to be whole, needs to have constant affection and reassurance? I am. The thing that assisted me in ending my A was H "giving up" on me. We saw each other only when we swapt kids and had breif and few conversations and they were only about the kids or their support $. After a few months of this my concience kicked in again everytime I saw him i felt bad. I believe A's are like living in a false reality or as others call it living in a fog or bubble. When I would get a glimpse at the things outside of my bubble it was painful and I knew what I was doing was wrong but I wasnt strong enough to end it with OM. Its really just like a bubble that has been blown up and left to float away, inagine being inside it looking out you cant see so well its distorted and then it gets weak, it slowly loses its air and pops. I hope this helps you some.

Well...I am a two timer here...I am in second marriage and had an A...we are working through it and rebuilding our relationship. First marriage I also had an A...that is why I want to answer some of your questions. In my case with my first husband, I told myself I wanted him to stop me, I wanted him to want me and show it, I wanted him to try to win me back, but I realize after the fact that he did try to win me back, but the efforts he made at the time didn't "kick in". It is the fog syndrome effect. I couldn't see him trying till it was too late. One word of advice to anyone who knows their spouse is having an affair: Confront them until they admit it. The marriage will either fall apart and divorce or it will begin to heal because you have taken the most painful step to show your spouse that you love them and want them back. I don't think this should be underestimated. I don't know if that answered any of your questions...but I had it on my heart and wanted to say it.

Rachel
Thank you for your answers. They were very well put and from you words I see the dilemma you faced.

A few more if you don't mind: If your husband had pursued you to the full, do you think you would have responded to it and ended your affair? Would that cause you to take him for granted and continued the affair?

I pray that your husband learns to trust your sincerity and love soon and that you both find your way to each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by learnedthehardway:
<strong>....The marriage will either fall apart and divorce or it will begin to heal because you have taken the most painful step to show your spouse that you love them and want them back. I don't think this should be underestimated. I don't know if that answered any of your questions...but I had it on my heart and wanted to say it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That exactly answered my questions.
Best of luck and my prayers for you in rebuiding your marriage.