I have been lurking for a few weeks reading and trying to absorb everything,
and I guess it's time I posted because I need some help. I have terrific
friends who are helping me through my situation, but I think that I need more help than that and I know I can get it here.
I am 33, married 4 years and together with my husband a total of 10 1/2
years. We have no children.
I am the wandering spouse. My husband is a terrific guy, and he loves
me very much. He is honest and faithful and wouldn't hurt me intentionally,
ever. He isn't perfect, there are many things about him that drive me nuts
and I know he'll never change or even be reasonable and I have been unhappy
for about 2 years. I often thought of leaving when I got fed up (pre-affair), but I know
that I have a good man so I stayed because I don't want to hurt him and I do love him. I never dreamed I would cheat on him. Then I
met "Mr.X" at work. It started out normal, I am friends with many many men and have been all my life with no problems as a matter of fact I have had many men come on to me and I never even thought twice about cheating. Mr.X and I became friends immediately, you know, same interests, same personality, same everything. He's married as well for over a year, together with wife a total of 3. Early on in my friendship with him I told him that I am very happily married and he told me he envied me because he isn't happy with his wife. I remember talking to him for hours on end about how he can do things to work on his marriage. At that point there was nothing there but friendship. As the months went by we got tighter and tighter to the point where we were almost inseparable at work and chatted on IM at home. At some point I realized that I was developing feelings for him that were inappropriate but thought that I would get past it and it wouldn't be an issue. Well little did I know that he was also falling for me and one day during a conversation he said something that totally through me for a loop and I confessed. He told me he felt the same way. I had no idea what I was in for. We starting hanging out together after work and before long we were holding hands and kissing and it felt so amazing, like nothing I felt before. I fell so hard for him and him for me. Of course eventually we had sex and of course it was even more amazing, the best either of us ever had. I never dreamed that either of us would talk about running away together but we started thinking along those lines. Well a few months ago we both started feeling horrible about what we were doing because it is just so wrong and we broke it off. Naturally, that didn't last long because we both craved each other so desperately. We tried a second time and despite the guilt that we both felt our separation only lasted a week. 2 weeks ago we decided we really need to do something about this. Neither one of us can just leave our spouses because they are both wonderful people who don't deserve that. Although of course we both dream and wish to be together, if we just dumped everything, it would be devastating and horrible. So we decided that we seriously need to end our affair before it gets to the point that either our spouses will find out or we go totally nuts and just run away together. Of course that's not what I want (no contact w/him, i mean), I want to be with him every second of every day, but I can't deal with the guilt of hurting my husband and the stupid jealous feelings are starting to materialize, such as "what is he doing right now with her?", etc. I told Mr.X that we cannot have any contact whatsoever, which is hard because we work together. I told him that other than work we cannot communicate at all. I ignored him for about 2 days then he started calling me, he was angry, hurt and couldn't stand losing his best friend. I told him that I can't communicate with him because it is just so hard to separate my emotions from my head when I am around him. He told me that it's impossible for us to not communicate, he loves me and he really thinks we can be friends and eventually the other feelings we have will either fade, or we will decide to be together forever. He said we can both work on our marriages and if they don't work out then we were meant to be together, but in the meantime we can just be friends. But the fact of the matter is, when I am around him I am not ok. I want him so bad it hurts. And I know it will only be a matter of time before we end up all over each other and back to square one.
Yes, i am in love with him, and yes if we were both single we could be together, but being just friends seems impossible and I can't understand why he can't see that right now. The last thing I WANT to do is not communicate with him. But I know that is the only way I can try to get on with my life and he his. Again, I feel if we really ARE "meant to be together" it will work out that way, but we need to try to save our marriages first. I am so confused right now because on the one hand I want to be with him so bad, but on the other, I can't stand what I am doing to my husband. I know he feels the same way, and it's just gonna be so hard for me to instill the "no contact" rule and really mean it. Last week when I said no contact, like I said, he freaked out, and of course at first I said ok we can IM each other and talk on the phone, then we ended up going to lunch together, then we met for coffee after work, then we went shopping together. How long before we end up messing around? I know I would in a second and that is why I need no contact. Unfortunately what I need isn't what I WANT. This sucks.
In the meantime I am trying to work on my marriage and this is interfering with it because I can't stop thinking about Mr.X. And of course my husband and his wife have no clue as to what is going on. It is affecting my every minute, everything I do and I don't even want to go to work anymore. So any support would be great. thanks!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

mrsx,

Ok, first thing you do is go buy Surviving an Affair by Harley. You will see yourself and your OM in there.

Now for some serious hard talk from me to you. You said a lot of things in your post. Have you reread it, do you see the silly contradictions in it?? If not reread this thing again. For example you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Neither one of us can just leave our spouses because they are both wonderful people who don't deserve that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And they deserve what you are doing now??
Do they deserve the amount of attention and affection they are getting from you? Do they deserve the love and the thoughts you have of them?
Do they deserve the time you spend with your OP (other person) more than the OP does?

Are they really in a marriage?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although of course we both dream and wish to be together, if we just dumped everything, it would be devastating and horrible.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this isn't devastating and horrible??

You are lying to the man that trusts you more than anyone in the world. You are sleeping with and giving your OM what your H should get and he isn't. Your thoughts are only about OM. Your loving jestures are only about OM.

Do you think your H is enjoying his marriage to you, with all you are NOT giving him? Do you think he would enjoy it more if you gave him and NOT the OM the love and attention?

Frankly, if you don't want to work on your marriage and clearly you don't, then I would recommend divorce since you don't have children. Your OM has less to lose since he has only been with his W for 3 years, you on the other hand lose 10 years of relationship, but it is clear it is not important.

Mrsx, don't do your H any favors by pretending to rebuild this marriage or "trying" to work on your marriage.

Do you know why I know you are pretending?? You have NOT told your H of your feelings for OM and your affair. If you do not, your marriage will NEVER have the intimacy and trust that will be necessary for a good marriage. Further, if you were serious about no contact, you would leave your job and get another. I don't see that mentioned.

Now let me explain to you who you are going to give your marriage up for. First you OM has terrible taste in women. He has known his W 3 years and married to her only one year, and he is already cheating on her. Sounds to me that he has no clue what marriage means, or how to pick a woman. Heck teenagers often go together more than a year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So you are going to throw it all over for a man who has lousy taste in women. You are going to throw it all over for a man who does not have the guts to tell his W he doesn't love her. YOu are going to throw it over for a man that cheats, will you be confident of him when he travels, when you two don't work in the same place or if you decide to stay home and have children?? Does he sound like good father material, out chasing women and possibly bringing home diseases, because he just doesn't connect with you?

Now I know you won't accept what I am saying because he is a "wonderful, caring, sensitive, good looking man" who would never do any of the things I mentioned. Ok, but why is he already doing them?

Which brings me back to you. What you won't admit is how badly you have failed yourself and your H. You KNOW this man isn't the right man because if he were you would already be divorced. You are not. You KNOW that you have a better more trustworthy man at home, hence your reluctance. Your fear of hurting your H is bogas. You have already hurt him worse than you can imagine, and your marriage is actually over. You just need to tell your H it is dead right???

Mrsx, at the risk of offending your further, you are in what is termed around her as the "fog". Your decision making ability is seriously impaired, and I believe if you reread your post or read it outloud to yourself, you would see this.

If you read anything on this site please read the articles about "radical honesty", the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, the 4 rules of marriage, and NEEDS. If you come across a post by Coffeeman, his tag line has bookmarks to these articles.

Frankly, if you want to "work" on your marriage you have to give your H a chance, and you are not right now. He has no idea that he is in a fight for his marriage. He has no idea that you have already declared him the "loser" with your thoughts that OM and you are "meant to be together". He has no idea that his marriage has been "voided" by you and OM having an emotional affair and having sex. He is of the opinion that his W still loves him.

If you want to work on this marriage, he needs to know what he is up against, he needs the truth from you. He needs it now. THEN, you two can see if the marriage is worth salvaging. You never know, you might get your wish. Your H may hear all of it and decide that he cannot and will not deal with it and divorce you,leaving you "free" to proceed to ruin OM's marriage. Then the both of you will be happily together.

Tell your H now,and quit wasting HIS LIFE. You are doing precisely that right now. Never mind the mess you are making of yours, you are wasting his life. Give your H a fighting chance and a chance to decide for himself, tell him the truth and do it now.

I know I sound harsh. But, Mrsx, I doubt any other approach will work with you right now. Please understand in the 4.5 years I have been here, I and many others here have seen your story many times. We have seen it from both sides.

Finally, I would strongly urge you to get counseling, marriage counseling with someone who is pro marriage, not just someone that feels obliged to make YOU feel good about your mistakes. I would urge you to consider the Harley's, but get some professional help about your marriage. That is my advice.

Please consider what I and I am sure others will say to you.

God Bless,

JL

Mrsx

You are NOT mrsx…his WIFE is. YOU are somebody that he has SEX with. You are the person that LIED and DECEIVED your husband just like OM lied and deceived his wife. There is nothing “special” about your relationship because it is not REAL. It is a FANTASY. It is totally based on secrecy, lies and deception. When you come out of the fog only then will you understand what you have done and how wrong it is. What you have done will follow you for the rest of your life.

You must tell you H about the affair. Better he find from you how much of a liar and a cheat you are than from someone else. Either way, you will hurt him more than you can imagine.

The only way for you to end the affair is to quit your job immediately. I have no illusion that you will take this advice. You will do like most cheaters and continue this destructive behavior until the OM cheats on you or you on him. That’s what cheaters do - they cheat.

You will get little support on this BB until the affair is ended!

Beau

JL thank you. I am not a dumb person so I know everything you say is true. From what I have read here in the past few weeks, I agree I am definitely in a "fog". I know my story has been told over and over again because I read it myself in other people's posts. I identified with so much from other WS's and that is why I stuck around and read the advice and decided to post myself. I am not offended in the least by what you said because it is all true. Every word. If I could I would be with Mr.X right now this second. I guess I really am totally contradicting myself I just wanna know where I went wrong, how I got myself in this situation and if there is any hope that I can get out of the fog and see Mr.X and this relationship for what he and it really is. A year ago I would never have predicted I would be in an affair. I could never have dreamed my marriage would be totally destroyed. I cannot at this point tell my husband, and it isn't because I want to continue the affair, but because I just can't. If I tell my husband, he will not think twice about divorce. My marriage will be over instantly, and I don't think that is really what I truly want to happen. I know his feelings on infidelity and I am certain that that would be it for us. I am seeing a therapist right now and an hour a week isn't enough to keep my mind sorted out. My friends are a big help but right now I am so fogged out that I am not even really trying. The only thing I can do is "no contact" with OMM (with the exception of work (and I do have a head hunter helping me find a job, and OMM is aware and isn't objecting)), but even then in the back of my mind I am anticipating contact. I hope my marriage is not a lost cause.
Again I totally understand that everything you said is correct 100%, about me, about OM, about affair, etc. I am so terribly deep in this that is why I am here. THANKS AGAIN

Hi Beau, I am Mrs.X, not for the reason you think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I don't want anyone to know my identity. So I just put an X instead of my last name. The X in Mr.X is also to protect his identity. Sorry for the confusion.

Oh and incidentally, I am not looking for sympathy or validation or support for my affair. I am looking for a way out where no one gets hurt. And I guess I am of the mindset that if my H doesn't know it won't hurt him. WHo knows, maybe in a few days I might think differently about that but this is where I am right now.

Mrsx

There was no confusion on my part. You do not have a legal relationship with X. You are MrsXYZ. The wife of another man.

There is no way to permanently hide the affair. You are only fog thinking. The best route is to be honest with your husband and cease all contact with OM. Your husband WILL find out. Your only chance of saving your marriage is to be honest.

Mrsx,

You said a few things I need to respond to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not a dumb person so I know everything you say is true. From what I have read here in the past few weeks, I agree I am definitely in a "fog". I know my story has been told over and over again because I read it myself in other people's posts. I identified with so much from other WS's and that is why I stuck around and read the advice and decided to post myself. I am not offended in the least by what you said because it is all true. Every word. If I could I would be with Mr.X right now this second.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why aren't you with him? I hate to be harsh,but I know you are focused on OM and you will be as long as you have any contact or communications. This stuff is really like an addiction, and "cold turkey" is the only way out or at least it is the most effective way out.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess I really am totally contradicting myself I just wanna know where I went wrong, how I got myself in this situation and if there is any hope that I can get out of the fog and see Mr.X and this relationship for what he and it really is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, there is hope, even more importantly there is a plan for doing it. I will tell you the most effective people for helping you is someone trained in the Harley approach. The Harley's do phone counseling or should I say "coaching". If you cannot afford them or they are busy you might try contacting Cerri, she is a trained coach in this method. YOu can find her in the Just Found Out section.

I think many of your questions will be answered if you go read Surviving an Affair by Harley. I know I sound like a shill for them, but they do have a plan and it works. Honesty is key and I will address this in just a moment. But, let me say now that HONESTY is the surest way to resolve the quandry you are in right now. The resolution may or may not be what you want, but frankly you don't know what you want right now: OM, H, your dignity back, whatever. Honesty will lead you better than just about anything else. There are no magic tricks to put the Genie back in the bottle.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A year ago I would never have predicted I would be in an affair. I could never have dreamed my marriage would be totally destroyed. I cannot at this point tell my husband, and it isn't because I want to continue the affair, but because I just can't. If I tell my husband, he will not think twice about divorce. My marriage will be over instantly, and I don't think that is really what I truly want to happen. I know his feelings on infidelity and I am certain that that would be it for us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please read the article on Disrespectful Judgements, DJ's. You have made one about your H. Just as you cannot see him forgiving you, he can not see you having an affair. You may be very very surprised at your H's response. Angry? You bet! Hurt? you bet! Crushed? like a cheap beer can!, but you do not know the depth of love in his heart. He doesn't know it either.

If I had a dollar for every poster, BS, that has posted here and stated that they can not believe they are trying to save the marriage, after stating "if my spouse had an affair I am out of here". I would be a wealthy man, or at least I could afford a nice vacation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't see any alternative. If your H truely does divorce you, you are out of the middle of this. If he tries to survive this then you know how much he does love you. As painful as this is, you will end up in a better spot than you are now if you are honesty. If you do decide to tell him, then there are a variety of ways to do it. You could do it in the presence of a counselor, who can help both of you. You could do it via letter, and leave for a few days. You can do this many ways to both protect yourself and yet give your H a chance.

I will repeat, I would bet your H "knows" your feelings on fidelity but here you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So don't be so sure of what your H will do. You must realize something and I would recommend that you read more here. One of the reasons that the Harley methods work, is that he observed that if the BS hangs around and can keep some love in their heart that they often get another chance. Why? Affairs almost always end. Do you understand the statistics say that your affair will end. Very few lead to marriage and when all is said and done only 3% lead to a marriage that lasts 5 years or more.

Harley knows this from experience, so he devised a plan or series of plans to allow the BS to survive and also work on the marriage until the affair ends, thus maximizing the chance of it getting rebuilt. He was right, and it works.

Then if you read the 4 rules and the "radical honesty" parts this addresses the other main issues of marriages that are not so good, miscommunications, misplaced efforts on the part of both parties, and lack of openness which leads back to communications. If you do end the affair, and you do go back to your H, and you make the marriage work, you willhave to hide a part of you for the rest of your life. You will have to be careful not to say certain things, not to get too emotional, etc. so that you don't give yourself away. Do you think that leads to open communications, and sharing a life with your spouse? No it hurts it. Hence the stance on "radical honesty".

There are many counselors that suggest never telling, but how can things improve from the marriage you had, but found so unsatisfactory that you had an affair? How can your H change if he doesn't know something is wrong. It will be just you working on the marriage, and that will lead to resentment, which will lead to you withdrawing from the marriage. If nothing is change how can you expect change? That is the issue, and burying the A, as most recommend makes the marriage look fine to the BS so they don't change, and to the WS they begin to feel they are doing all of the work, and get resentful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am seeing a therapist right now and an hour a week isn't enough to keep my mind sorted out. My friends are a big help but right now I am so fogged out that I am not even really trying. The only thing I can do is "no contact" with OMM (with the exception of work (and I do have a head hunter helping me find a job, and OMM is aware and isn't objecting)), but even then in the back of my mind I am anticipating contact. I hope my marriage is not a lost cause.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is good that you are looking for another job. IN fact that is great news. I know you are not really trying, hence the tone of my original post. You are right No contact is good, but it will not help your H. And I do know you will contact him because it is so easy and he isnt really backing off.

Mrsx. Your marriage is NOT a lost cause, but you need to have more faith in your H and in yourself. My bet is he does love you deeply. Oh! one other thing that Harley and others have noted, most A's do not lead to the end of a marriage. Your milage may vary, but most do not. So while you think H will leave, the odds say he will not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again I totally understand that everything you said is correct 100%, about me, about OM, about affair, etc. I am so terribly deep in this that is why I am here. THANKS AGAIN </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, Mrsx, when you find yourself in a deep hole, the advice I was given was to "put the shovel down and quit digging." You need to start with that, just put the shovel down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

One last thing. YOu did not mention religion. But, if you are even slightly inclined to pray, that is a very very good thing to do.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsx:
<strong> Oh and incidentally, I am not looking for sympathy or validation or support for my affair. I am looking for a way out where no one gets hurt. And I guess I am of the mindset that if my H doesn't know it won't hurt him. WHo knows, maybe in a few days I might think differently about that but this is where I am right now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it will hurt him if he doesn't know. He is being destroyed behind his back and doesn't know it. He needs to know what is happening so he can protect himself from YOU.

He may also choose to not be married to someone who cheats on him and that is his right. It is because of that, that you have no right to withhold information from him.

To do so is cruel and manipulative beyond words. You will only be keeping him in your marriage WITH A LIE. He has a right to know what is going on in his own life. To withhold this information is only compounding the cruelty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsx:
<strong> Oh and incidentally, I am not looking for sympathy or validation or support for my affair. I am looking for a way out where no one gets hurt. And I guess I am of the mindset that if my H doesn't know it won't hurt him. WHo knows, maybe in a few days I might think differently about that but this is where I am right now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it will hurt him if he doesn't know. He is being destroyed behind his back and doesn't know it. He needs to know what is happening so he can protect himself from YOU.

He may also choose to not be married to someone who cheats on him and that is his right. It is because of that, that you have no right to withhold information from him.

To do so is cruel and manipulative beyond words. You will only be keeping him in your marriage WITH A LIE. He has a right to know what is going on in his own life. To withhold this information is only compounding the cruelty. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MelodyLane you are right, thanks for clarifying, I need a little time before I decide to do this but I guess it really is the right thing to do. I just feel horrible already and I don't even know how to go about it. Will give it serious consideration. THANKS!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> Mrsx

There was no confusion on my part. You do not have a legal relationship with X. You are MrsXYZ. The wife of another man.

There is no way to permanently hide the affair. You are only fog thinking. The best route is to be honest with your husband and cease all contact with OM. Your husband WILL find out. Your only chance of saving your marriage is to be honest. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK so I am MrsX and OM will be Mr.Y for future reference. My intention wasn't to portray myself as OM's wife just to be discreet about our identities. THANKS.

JL thanks so much for all your time tonight. I will be back tomorrow hopefully for more reading of replies to my post. Thanks all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MelodyLane you are right, thanks for clarifying, I need a little time before I decide to do this but I guess it really is the right thing to do. I just feel horrible already and I don't even know how to go about it. Will give it serious consideration. THANKS! [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good girl! Just roll it over in your mind for a few days and when you are ready, we will support you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
Good girl! Just roll it over in your mind for a few days and when you are ready, we will support you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

mrsx

I apologize for being nitpicky. I was trying to get you to understand and you got the point. The problem that you have created is huge. I don't believe you have any choice but to tell H and break off all contact with OM and pray that H will work to restore your marriage. Otherwise, you’re going to a statistic with a bad reputation. Twenty years from now when you look back on your life you will only feel guilt and pain for what you have done. You will cringe every time someone mentions the word affair for fear that they know what kind of person you are. That is a heavy price to pay.

Beau

mrsx here are the links to some of the MB articles JL spoke of:

The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .
The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) .
The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) .
What Are Plan A And Plan B .
Surviving An Affair's Plan B Letter .
Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List .

Oh one more thing before I go. Going along what JL said to you regarding the OM, consider the following question: What can you expect from a man that would cheat on his wife, one year after he married her? A repeat performance in the future

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> mrsx here are the links to some of the MB articles JL spoke of:

The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .
The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) .
The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) .
What Are Plan A And Plan B .
Surviving An Affair's Plan B Letter .
Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List .

Oh one more thing before I go. Going along what JL said to you regarding the OM, consider the following question: What can you expect from a man that would cheat on his wife, one year after he married her? A repeat performance in the future </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much TMCM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

mrsx

I hope that you are doing better. I just read your post. I am fairly new here too. My A has been over now for about 2 months. Like you, I work with him so that really sucks. Your story is so much like mine in the fact that we had both agreed that we would not leave our spouses. It's amazing how that when your in that fog how totally irrational your thinking is. I guess we thought that it was ok because we didn't intend to leave our spouses. Please keep me posted on how you're doing. Of all the posts that I have read here, your's is the closest that I have found.

God Bless and I will certainly be praying for you.

Mrsx :

Greetings.
I think that by coming here you have taken a step saving your life and the life of your husband from IRREPARABLE devestation.

The advice and questions of TMCM and JL are excellent. I would very carefully read what they have to say and ask.

My story is in here in various threads. I have two sons who live with me. My wife has been living w/ OM well over a year now and the pain, confusion and devastation it has caused is immeasurable. My DIVORCE will be final next week.

Guarantee this is what you will face if you do not tell your husband immediately and end all contact with OM.

I agree with TMCM and JL. All you will get out of this man is a rrepeat performance. In fact, your relationship with Mr. Y has a three percent chance of survivng at all.

The sooner you tell your husband and get rid of OM the sooner you will put this behind you.Otherwise you will see a life of terror and HELL.

We all want to help you. We wish for you only to do the right thing.

Best to you.

I am at work right now and I am not on IM so Mr. Y cannot send me messages; however he is walking by my desk occasionally trying to have conversation with me and I am trying my best to ignore him. I am a nervous wreck and doing my best to concentrate on work. My performance has dropped here tremendously since the A started. I am tired and have a headache and my stomach is killing me. I have to get back to work but I just wanted to thank you all for your caring and support. I am still absorbing everything everyone is saying and I am trying to make sense of it all. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.