mrsx is there a way for you to either change jobs or get transferred to another department?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> mrsx is there a way for you to either change jobs or get transferred to another department? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a headhunter helping me find a job, I am a PC support analyst and it is important that I maintain my salary range. I am hoping to have something by the end of the month. I wish I can get transferred to another department but what I do is specific to the department I am in (IT). Gosh this SUCKS. If I didn't need to work I wouldn't even bother coming back. I have an obligation to bring money home and an obligation to this job that I have had for FIVE YEARS. However, if I find a position soon, I will just quit as soon as I am hired. UGH <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa Rodney:
<strong> mrsx

I hope that you are doing better. I just read your post. I am fairly new here too. My A has been over now for about 2 months. Like you, I work with him so that really sucks. Your story is so much like mine in the fact that we had both agreed that we would not leave our spouses. It's amazing how that when your in that fog how totally irrational your thinking is. I guess we thought that it was ok because we didn't intend to leave our spouses. Please keep me posted on how you're doing. Of all the posts that I have read here, your's is the closest that I have found.

God Bless and I will certainly be praying for you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa thank you so much and I am sorry you are going thru the same thing. This SUCKS!!

Hi mrsz,
I posted somethings to Lisa R that may be of help to you as well. Rather than repeating myself you can see my comments to her. It seems you've discovered each other. I know how difficult this path is; in someway your stories are good for me because I can see what the OW may be thinking in my case. I know one common theme was the guilt that she felt. Best wishes
H

mrsx,
Not sure if it is appropriate but I want to let you know that, as a betrayed husband who found out this past July, nothing is worse than the situation who are caught in. The road you will have to take in order to have any chance of a quality relationship with your husband is long, tiresome and painful. You will have to change and grow a whole lot.

Please, when you tell your H, while he does not need the play by play description, he does need to understand the breadth & depth of this betrayal. He is going to have questions and doubts for a long time, possibly years. I relate to your description of him and can relate a number of points concerning you and the op (I have a hard time capitalizing "other person") to my W's A. Because she incorrectly judged (disrespectfully) what I could & could not handle, I was visited by a second D-Day 6 weeks after the first. It put me right back to square one and undermined any trust in the answers she had previously given me. Like your H, I love my W very much. I don't want to leave her but can tell you that the possiblity of my divorcing her is there. That is a consequence you or her must deal with...in a very real way, if there is a divorce, you earned it. In our case, I believe that making such a decision prior to giving my W ample opportunity to demonstrate her remorse, repentance and, hopefully, love, would be foolish and selfish. I truly hope & pray that your H takes the time to be patient as making a life-altering decision in a whirlwind of emotions is not wise.

In the same regard, you must make a decision based on sound thinking and principals, not the whirlwind of selfish and destructive emotions you are in currently. No one on this thread has given you poor or unwise advice. Nothing you are dealing with right now is "unique" to your situation. Please continue getting counsel from here and from a professional and read Suviving An Affair, et al. You need it. Believe it or not, your H needs you and he needs you to be prepared and helpful. Show your care & concern for his well-being by your efforts to be totally honest, open and educate yourself.

Feel free to, if appropriate, to have your H visit here. Personally, I would be happy, along with many other, to provide whatever insight can be provided.

Hi Mrsx.

I'm glad that you are starting to come to your senses about your A.

But I would like to point out the fact that you seem to have overlooked. You've told your friends about the OM?

Do realize that the more people know, the more likely it is that your H will find out? YOu are living on top of a time bomb that is about to explode when someone else, besides you, tells your H about the A.

The decent thing to do, is fill him in on it before someone else does.

I discovered the A myself but my H told me about his ONS. I think others on here would agree that it is much easier to hear the news from the spouse than an outsider.

Just something for you to think about.....
DB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hiker:
<strong> Hi mrsz,
I posted somethings to Lisa R that may be of help to you as well. Rather than repeating myself you can see my comments to her. It seems you've discovered each other. I know how difficult this path is; in someway your stories are good for me because I can see what the OW may be thinking in my case. I know one common theme was the guilt that she felt. Best wishes
H </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read your comments and they make sense Hiker. I am just so confused. I left work early because I couldn't deal with the drama. He kept calling my desk and cell phone and I just needed to get out of there as I am now a nervous wreck. Remember, I still "love" him and still want him but I am trying the no contact because I am really trying to get back some focus on my marriage so I can decide what to do. My husband and I have some serious issues to begin with (outside the A) and right now these issues are coming to a head and we are going to have to really sit down and resolve things. So basically I have 2 issues I am dealing with. 1) The A, 2) The issues in my M that are straining our relationship. More later, tyhanks again all!!

mrsx,

Other issues??? When did those issues start? Before your A? Any chance this is more of an escape into the fantasy where no issues exist?? Something to think about.

Mrsx, as you think about things, you will very likely discover that you need a plan to get yourself out of this mess. That is one of the cool things about this site is that there is a plan. So keep thinking, and sort of look around at your H, your family, yourself. I believe that your "love" for OM is very likely into your "love" for the fantasy that OM represents. That is why you are so stressed about this, OM isn't really protecting you from reality now. As this gets more real, reality dictates that people WILL get hurt and the fantasy, and the fog sort of clear away.

So take your time, come post and ask questions often. I believe you will reach your conclusions soon enough.

God Bless,

JL

Hey
Here is my theory, if we love that person we will always love them. We don't stop loving people just because they are out of our lives by death or any other reason. If it isn't love it will go away and we'll not have to deal with it after we're over it.

If you made it clear to him that you do not want contact then he isn't playing fair but he knows he has you. I don't think I could survive working with the OW in my life specially after the A was over. But it is easy to avoid people where I work.

If You want resolution at home then you must stay focused on that and not on the OM. What ever issues you have at home need to be addressed and hopefully corrected so that you can move on with your marriage but you have to really want it. When you have this other person who seems better it's impossible to go back and work on that which is distateful in the first place. Furthermore you will never have peace of mind knowing that you didn't nake a valient effort to resolve those issues wit your husband. You both deserve it
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsx:
So basically I have 2 issues I am dealing with. 1) The A, 2) The issues in my M that are straining our relationship. More later, tyhanks again all!! [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MrsX, believe me, you won't be able to address those other "issues" for some time. You will have your hands full with the "issues" from the affair. The shock of the affair will not leave much room to work on other issues for a while. You have a volcano erupting right now and that takes priority over cleaning out the eaves on your house. If you don't take care of the volcano you won't have any house left to work with.

MrsX, you've got a good crowd of people cheering for you here. Listen to them!

And while you're at it, think about this: What's it going to take for you to do these things:

- Tell your husband?

- Get away from your job and OM completely, and put in place extraordinary measures to ensure that you never see or talk to him again?

- Spend the next couple of years cleaning things up in your marriage?

- Accept that your husband may very well decide to end your marriage instead?

J

I know! I am so grateful for the support here.
I just replied to Lisa Rodney's thread and I think I am starting to see some REALITY. A little glimpse, but some, nonetheless.

I am TRYING. I really am.

I will be here and continue to try!

THANKS SO MUCH

Mrsx

I just finished reading your post to Lisa. I want to tell you how excited I am about your decision to work on your marriage and yourself. I am proud of you for having the courage to come to MB and withstand the pressure that we exerted to help get you out of the “fog.” None of us enjoy being harsh but sometimes it takes a little harshness to penetrate the “fog,” I will pray for God to bless you and H with compassion, understanding, humility and peace as the two of you work through recovery.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> Mrsx

I just finished reading your post to Lisa. I want to tell you how excited I am about your decision to work on your marriage and yourself. I am proud of you for having the courage to come to MB and withstand the pressure that we exerted to help get you out of the “fog.” None of us enjoy being harsh but sometimes it takes a little harshness to penetrate the “fog,” I will pray for God to bless you and H with compassion, understanding, humility and peace as the two of you work through recovery.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Beau,
Thank you. My thoughts are intermittent. Mr.Y, Me, H, M, Mr.Y., Me, H, M....
So hard but I am really trying to stay focused. Mr.Y is off today so thankfully I am able to concentrate better on work. I changed my AIM screenname, blocked him from sending me emails and I hope I can resist answering the phone should he call. I think he may lay low for a while but I suspect he will call and I just hope I have the strength to ignore him.
This is definitely a roller-coaster, but Mr.Y. is not going to get the satisfaction of me destroying my whole life for him. I didn't need him before I met him and I don't need him now. I just need to stay FOCUSED and HONEST.
I am sure there will be many ups and downs as the fog has not turned into a "pink cloud". This is gonna be probably one of the hardest things I have ever experienced but I just don't want a disastrous ending. And quite frankly I am tired of being a nervous wreck all the time. I want my life back and I want some peace of mind that no matter how this pans out, I did the right thing in the end.

mrsx,

Perhaps we ought to call you and Lisa "the twins" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
It just shows us all how similar our stories are and how vulnerable we are in this life. No one is immune from what has invaded both you and I.

I am a climber/hiker. I there have been times when it just seems impossible to overcome the obstacles in front of me. My lungs are screaming and my body is heaving from the pack on my back but I know that it won't feel any better if I sit down and rest. That I am just prolonging the pain if I do sit down and rest. I know that once I have summated I will have peace and rest. Yet I have been on the summit during a storm and all we could do was "tag" the top and turn and run. The triumph came when I was safe at home and knew that I had been "up" there. What helps me to be successful in these endeavors is to tell others of my goals so that I can't turn back in the midst of the pain. Sometimes I win and sometimes the mountain wins. But I can't give up.

This is a place to share your goals, triumphs and defeats. We each share in all of those experiences because we are just people trying to find our way and give some meaning to our existence.

Those of us that have become a WS try to look within ourselves to discover the "flaw" that pushed us over the edge but in fact we all have our vulnerabilities(Is that a word? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )If we are guilty we are guilty of needing more than others. A need that became so vast that "one" wasn't enough. We fell for the bait and now we find ourselves in this morass of despair wondering how we got here and struggling even more to get out. No matter who is to blame blaming only make us even more helpless in our situations. We cannot achieve perfection if we could we wouldn't need a Savior. Love yourself, love your husband; but even more importantly forgive yourself and forgive him to for the short comings that we all have. Allow yourself to be healed and in the healing those around you will be blest.
H

Wow Hiker! That's really something. I am also very athletic and into outdoors, I am not a climber but I know what it's like to acheive physical success. I guess I can try to relate my M and self to this and see what happens. I am so scared! Thanks for being here.

Of course you're scared we are all scared. We just can't allow the fear to control us. We have to know that we have taken the right precautions and trust our equipment... our support system and when we are hanging out there feel confidant that we are not doing this alone. I know you are strong,I know you can do this you are not alone.
H

OMG. I feel like I am having a panic attack. Mr.Y just called my cell. He isn't at work today and he is outside the building and left message on my cell for me to come downstairs, supposedly he has something in his office he wants me to bring down to him. He has some nerve! OMG OMG OMG. I am freaking out. DEEP BREATHS. Let him call one of his other co-workers that he is friends with. I am NOT GOING DOWN THERE. NOT NOT NOT. O-M-G! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

OK I got thru it! WHEW.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Dear Mrs.
I looked back in the thread but I may have missed it....did you send a NC letter to OM?
DB