Ok i need to be honest here. I am afraid of Mrs.Y knowing for the simple fact that I don't want to know how little I actually mean to Mr.Y. I want to believe he really does love me and only me. I am protecting myself and my own fantasy I guess more than anything else, it's difficult for me to face the fact that I wasted almost an entire year on something that wasn't real. It felt so real! Now that Mr.Y isn't around, REALITY is surfacing and it is very painful to face and scary to confront. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Essentially, I took my marriage and threw it into the toilet for someone and something that would never amount to anything tangible and worthwhile. And through it all, H has never stopped loving me, believing in me, and believing in US.

Now, I guess I am wondering if *I* can believe in me, believe in H, and believe in US as well as see the A (and Mr.Y) for what it REALLY IS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Mrs. X,

The hardest thing for my husband to get over has been exactly what you described: accepting that he fell for the fantasy and jeopardized everything that was real. There are many things you will uncover about yourself in the upcoming months and many of them won't be pretty, but you should come out of it all feeling more whole and alive.

The fantasy was so fulfilling, it will be hard to replace it with reality at first. But let me assure you that the reality is far more satisfying, or CAN be, if both you and your H work at it.

Yes, when Mrs. Y finds out, you will likely find out that Mr. Y thinks the world of her and doesn't want to lose her. Perhaps he, too, was buying the fantasy that life with you would be better, but when jolted back to reality, he'll probably find the same things you are. Hopefully he'll recognize his deceit and see his marriage for the mess it is and find in him the courage to fix it. That means leaving you behind. That is as it should be.

For my H and myself, what has been created in the wake of the A is a genuine love and passion, based on the day-to-day realities of life and giving of oneself daily to another in a marriage of mutual concern. That beats the fantasy life he had with OW hands down. You can get there, too.

I'll be praying for you and your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Now that he is gone from the company I hacked into his email account and read all his emails tha the exchanged w/his W. This made her more real to me. I cannot believe how he was able to be so "loving" and "sweet" to her in the emails, ending them w/XOXO and stuff like that. It upset me too b/c from what he told me they didn't get along at all. They planned parties, vacations together, etc. and it sickened me to read about it.

At the same time I think I might be starting to see the reality of this, that what we had wasn't "love" but just a secret life full of lies, deceit, fantasies and well bulls***."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only you and your H can decide whether your M should end or not but do you want to be with a man with a marital history in which he was sending love messages to his XBW while at the same time doing the same to his OW? How long after the two of you get married, would he find himself another vulnerable married woman to have an affair with?

Some time ago there was somebody that posted a saying that I think it is quite relevant to your situation:'A married woman who marries her married lover creates an opening for another woman to fill her former position'. I hope you seriously give this statement some serious thought.

Hi mrsx,

Welcome back finally.Many of us had wondered when you would come back and tell your story.

I am glad to hear that you are coming out of the fog a bit.That is really the best way in which to see the REALITY that was happening around you while you were in your fantasy.Almost like you were an actress in a "romantic" movie but now the shooting is over and you must return to your real life.

*(If you can,read the story of a poster named [H].His story(Diary of a Madman,WS) is highlighted in a post his wife made,her name is knewjie.If you go under GQ11 and look for the topic called:"Plan A your spouse and Plan B the WS" by Orchid.It is a mesmerizing story of a WH that gradually comes out of the fog to being completely back with his W and seeing the OW for what she really was.It is a very long story but oh so hopeful).

Also,DON'T pressure yourself right now to feel anything or think too much.You must take baby steps in your recovery with your H.You will be very ambivilent,sad,mad,depressed,all kinds of emotions and it will take you a long time to sort them out and feel somewhat stable but give yourself time.

If I remember correctly,there were many of us trying to help and support you in cutting off contact with the OM but you didn't appear to be able to implement any of our advice then.I hope you will reconsider and put forth into action what advice we give you THIS time.If you come here for help,then do let us help you.A common phrase that some people use here is: 'Actions speak louder than words' and this will be very important for your H as well as you from now on.

I do believe that you should let your H tell the OM wife about the A.If I were in her shoes,I would definitely want to know if my H had been unfaithful.What happens after that is their own business and it is not your job anymore to protect the OM or what happens to him and his M.It IS your job now to put your H's feelings FIRST before OM.Now that most of the sordid details are out regarding the A let it blow WIDE open and let that last part be out there too,letting the OM's W know what has happened.She deserves to.

Take care.

O

Thanks TMCM and O.
Yes things *are* a bit different now as I really do think I want to make my marriage work and not end it to be w/OM. I sent my final NC letter today. I changed my cell phone number and deleted my email accounts. Naturally, the scary thing for me is letting go of the A/OM and seeing it for what it is, and I am scared of letting go and letting *him* get on with his life without me. This just shatters what I have been believing and hoping for and putting all of my energy into for the past 9 months.
But I really feel like I might be ready this time to face the truth and the consequences of my actions. I didn't want to hear anything resembling the truth the last time I was here posting, I was basically looking for validation of the A and what was wrong w/H and my M. I am seeing once again that my H is an incredible man. I am seeing the man that I loved so much and not the man that I convinced myself he has become. The most bizarre thing for me to realize is that HE has always been the way he is, *I* am the one who has changed I am the one gave up on us and changed and threw it all in the toilet for the OM/A.
And yes, I know OM's W deserves to know the truth, I just don't know if I can be the one to tell her. If my H wants to, I will definitely stand aside and not try to stop him. I don't want my fog-induced excuses to interfere, if that is what he needs to do to heal from what I have done to him. And then now she will know what a liar and cheat she is married to.
Do you guys think that it is worse hearing that your spouse was unfaithful from a third party than if you were to hear it first hand from your spouse? I mean of course either way it's devastating but I am just curious.
My husband says that if OM doesn't tell his wife, its only to leave the door open to cheat again if the opportunity presented itself, that he isn't trying to spare her feelings but to protect himself. ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

MrsX,

I THINK I am glad to see you back. But, I am not certain with the story you have told. I thought I would log in my vote. Let your H tell OM's W. She needs to know.

I set and read your first post back, and just shook my head. I have been here 5 years and I must say given all I have read here and heard about, I am just amazed that your H is still with you. What you did at Christmas of all times and what you continued to do after telling him is pretty mind numbing.

I do hope that your moral compass can be reset. I do hope that your complete lack of concern of simple human dignity can be repaired. I hope that no matter what happens in your marriage, you finally see your H for the man he is: a man who loved you more deeply than you seem able to comprehend.

I am just sort of sitting here shaking my head, wanting to offer some advice and not know a single thing to tell you, given what we all have said to you and how little you comprehended any of it.

Perhaps later, I will figure what to offer.

God Bless You,

JL

Mrsx,

A few more thoughts.First,I meant that your H should tell OM's W about the A not YOU.THAT would definitely be worse,if the OMW heard from you about HER H having an A.Ugh.

Also,I'm glad to hear that you have changed your cell phone number and deleted e-mail accounts but have you **changed your e-mail so OM can't get through to it? IS that what you meant by deleting e-mails??Hmmm. Make sure OM can no longer get to you in ANY way shape or form.I am also glad to see you sent a NC letter.Did your H read it and approve it too?

You have moved forward in a positive way this time I must say.I just hope you can find the strength to keep it that way.Withdrawal is going to be a b**** for sure but you need to keep the lines of communication open to H,let him help you through this difficult time.

Lastly,you made a very significant discovery that I have been thinking about myself.I too have come to believe that it was not I that changed and became someone my WH wasn't happy with in our marriage,it was HIM! I have thought a lot about this and I have realized that my WH is going through some early MLC or some kind of change in his life where he became less comfortable with HIMSELF and his roles especially as a husband.He is all of a sudden looking for something for which I really believe he already has but may have lost sight of.We BS spend too much time wondering,"What did I do wrong?" or "what WASN'T I doing?" when all along,we were doing what we always had but somewhere down the road,the WS realizes how unhappy they are within *themselves and blame the spouses for their shortcomings.When you depend on someone else to make you happy and are not happy being oneself,then that is the time for some serious introspection,it is NOT the time to venture out to try and find that within another person(A).

Anyway,I hope you won't let yourself down,and your H, this time around.Hang in there and keep us posted.


O

Hi MrsX

Your makin me proud! I could be wrong but I get the feeling all you need is a little nudge to knock you off the fence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you ever considered (imagined) yourself the target of a full blown Plan-B? Or... Divorced and on your own? Your husband completely removed from your life? Or (drum-roll) without husband OR OM?

It's worth a ponder.

Predators are predators X. From all indications, you were/are a target of opportunity. Sorry if I'm too blunt, I don't like to beat around the bush so.. you've been used. It happens to the best of us. OM is not your friend. OM is not in your best interest. OM will never be good for you. OM doesn't, and didn't love you. In fact, EVENTUALLY, you will see OM for what he is.

The fog is thinning... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Everything you've ever posted shows ME, your husband is your light-house. Just open your eye's and look.

Mort

Hi everyone, especially JL who sent me over here from "In Recovery". JL's instincts were absolutely right to send me here and I thank him once again.

MrsX, my H tried to tell me I'd been used, that he understood where men were coming from and that even if I felt the "emotional connection" I had with OM was one in a million, he was pretty sure OM wasn't feeling it as well. In fact OM was probably having a wonderful time with his W and family, with me as an added extra. One night H said to me do you think OM is really lying here at 2 in the morning thinking about you like you are thinking about him.

The fog didn't want to believe this, but after reading your story and all the others, and my own experience, it is horribly, painfully obvious that H (and other friends) are absolutely right.

I read an article on affairs which said, amongst other things, that 2 or 5% of affairs are between people who genuinely fall in love with each other and start a new happy life together. And guess which 2 and 5% all us WS's think we are - and guess where we really are. In total foggyland. It's not nice to know you've been taken in but, like MrsX, that fog is lifting from me very fast and it hurts. I am so, so glad my H has given us the chance to build a new marriage with each other.

Kiwi J

Sorry, sorry, sorry - H didn't mean "all" men - he was talking about the predator type of man. OM was not a predator but was starting to fancy himself as a bit of a "player." Warning bells used to go off in my head but I always ignored them.

Kiwi J

Mr.Y spent more time saying he "loved" me and we were "soulmates" than I can even begin to tell you. We had great conversations, lots of fun and incredible sex. I was so lost in that, I almost left H and my M for it. OMG OMG OMG!
Like you, KiwiJ, I always had a "feeling" about Mr.Y but refused to really look at what that feeling was and where it originated.
I didn't want to admit that Mr.Y wanted his cake and eat it too.
This [censored] told me that he HAD to leave her to be with me only last Friday, that he just loved me and couldn't live without me.
Well I'll tell you that hit me hard because he sounded so desperate. But I saw his desperation as a way to manipulate me yet again. He was starting a new job in New York City (we are in Jersey) and the risk was there that he wouldn't see me again, especially since I told him that after he started his new job that the A was over once and for all. (AND I MEANT IT)
I think he was just trying to keep me strung along by promising our happily-ever-after future.
Well now that I am forcing myself to face the truth, the future is NEVER gonna be happily-ever-after whether I am w/H or OM, that is just fantasy talk. H and I bicker and fight, disagree sometimes and don't see eye to eye sometimes, and especially now we have the A hanging over our heads like a black cloud. But my future w/H is REAL not a fantasy. Even if Mr.Y left Mrs.Y, I am wondering if it wouldn't be long before there would be a new MrsX for him??? God I feel like such a loser and I am friggin mad as heck. I hate him right now. I can't wait for the withdrawl to end becuase I am getting mad at myself for putting any more energy into that [censored]! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

mrsx

I am happy that you are beginning to see that OM used you in every way and you fell for it. You are lucky H is still around. OMW needs to know about the A. As soon as you stop thinking about OM and turn your full attention to your marriage the arguements will gradually decline. You did much to make H angry and he will not get over it quickly. You should be doing everything you can to make the marriage work. Count your blessings because many guys would have tossed you out long ago.

Beau

Mrsx

A comment you made to Werone04 "charged" my memory as we say down South. Dr. Shirley Glass, a noted marriage counselor and psychologist, remarked when questioned about the nature of attraction said this” “ …the choice of affair partner reflects the fact that our marriage often represents a healing of our family wounds. Somebody who lacked a secure attachment figure in their family of origin chooses a mate that provides security and stability. … but after we have mastered that, we often want to go back and find somebody like that difficult parent and make that person love us. There is a correlation between the nature of the attachment figure and the affair partner; the person is trying to master incomplete business from childhood. As a result, some people will choose an affair partner who is difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable.”

Beau

ooopphhs, I think your comments were to Stupidgirl instead of Werone04.

Beau

Mrs X,

Warning,,,I'm a bit blunt here.

I'm glad your back. When I read your post I was sad and disappointed. You got great advice back in what, October, to come clean with your H. You ingnored it. Instead you wait until a week before Chtistmas. All of the drama that occurred during the holidays with you and the OM. Merry F^*&!#@ Christmas. Were you trying to torpedo your M by disclosing the A right before the holidays? Most counselors would believe that that is the case.

The good news:
I think it's great that in your most recent post you appear to be getting over the OM. The NC letter is the right step. You also appear to be willing to let your H talk to the OM's W. To your H that is a huge step!! Why? Because you're showing some interest and compassion in what your H needs. Conversely your showing that you no longer care more about protecting the OM.

The bad news:
Most of your recent posts have been oriented towards you , your felings towards OM, your withdrawal from the OM and most recently your newly formed contempt for the OM. If you are going to save your M you need to focus less on your needs and more on meeting your H needs. How is your H doing? The only mention of him is that you've been worried that he'd expose the OM to his W. Start focusing on helping your H heal, The more time you spend with him the less time you'll have to obsess on the OM.

Please understand I make these points to try and help.

cwmac

Hi Beau,
Thanks for your post. I sure does make sense!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> ooopphhs, I think your comments were to Stupidgirl instead of Werone04.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
Mrs X,

Warning,,,I'm a bit blunt here.

**That's fine, I need it**

I'm glad your back. When I read your post I was sad and disappointed. You got great advice back in what, October, to come clean with your H. You ingnored it. Instead you wait until a week before Chtistmas. All of the drama that occurred during the holidays with you and the OM. Merry F^*&!#@ Christmas. Were you trying to torpedo your M by disclosing the A right before the holidays? Most counselors would believe that that is the case.
**I was trying to end the A more than I was trying to do what's right for M and H. I thought if I 'outed' the A, it would end. Har har.**

The good news:
I think it's great that in your most recent post you appear to be getting over the OM. The NC letter is the right step. You also appear to be willing to let your H talk to the OM's W. To your H that is a huge step!! Why? Because you're showing some interest and compassion in what your H needs. Conversely your showing that you no longer care more about protecting the OM.

The bad news:
Most of your recent posts have been oriented towards you , your felings towards OM, your withdrawal from the OM and most recently your newly formed contempt for the OM. If you are going to save your M you need to focus less on your needs and more on meeting your H needs. How is your H doing? The only mention of him is that you've been worried that he'd expose the OM to his W. Start focusing on helping your H heal, The more time you spend with him the less time you'll have to obsess on the OM.

**Well that's not exactly accurate. I am absolutely still selfish in my feelings regarding OM/A, however, I have really been focusing on my M and H for the past few days. I have been talking to him alot about the situation, I am working on seeing what his needs are, and I am doing whatever I can to be honest with him, compassionate and attentive. I am showing him that I am remorseful for what I have done to him and showing him that I really DO want this M to work and whatever HE needs to do to find closure, including telling OM's W, I will not interfere and will help however I can.**

Please understand I make these points to try and help.

**OF COURSE I understand! I so appreciate your bluntness and honesty because it gives me the ability to identify the things I am doing to sabotage recovery or stay dishonest in my M.**

cwmac </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ February 09, 2004, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

Mrs X,
Over the weekend I posted a note above that said the you haven't said much about hoe your H is doing which led me to believe that you are continuing to be selfish and non-empathetic.

But I just saw your post to Stupid Girl part of which said....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The apathy toward my H is starting to turn into something else that I am not sure how to define. But even though I cannot define it I think it is positive because H EXISTS again to me. I care how he feels again. When I look at him I see the pain in his eyes, I see the way he no longer stands tall and confident, he looks so lost and insecure. I have never in 11 years with him seen him cry until recently because of what I have done to him. He didn't just cry, he WAILED. He totally lost it, and because of what I have done. And in spite of everything I have done to him, and how I destroyed him, he still loves me, he is so sweet to me, he hugs and kisses me tells me he loves me, he STILL WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO ME. I mean this man must really love me if he can still want to make love to me after knowing that I allowed another man to touch me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad to see this. This a good sign for you and your M. I can relate to your H. Until my W's A and the aftermath I hadn't cried since I was a child. Your description of your H could have been written by my W to describe me.

Has he acted out any of his rage towards you?

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm glad to see this. This a good sign for you and your M. I can relate to your H. Until my W's A and the aftermath I hadn't cried since I was a child. Your description of your H could have been written by my W to describe me.

Has he acted out any of his rage towards you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cwmac: thanks for seeing that I really am trying to pay attention to H and be honest and compassionate w/him. No he hasn't raged at all, he is not an angry person by nature. He is a very mellow easy-going guy. He is very cerebral and doesn't allow his emotions to get the better of him. He always does his best to see the practical side of things therefore he is not going off on me, instead he is doing his best to work things through in an intelligent manner. I am sure as time goes by there will probably be more outbursts of emotion, but rage won't be one of them. Yes he has gotten angry at me, but he has a lot of self-control so he doesn't blow his top. He really is an amazing guy. I don't know one single person that knows him that doesn't think the world of him.

Well, almost no one.