I had an affair for almost 2 yrs. My wife found out and we both have agreed to stay married. I have read all the books but is my two year affair unique? My wife keeps on going back and forth now on staying married because I had an affair for so long. I can't come up with an explanation to her on why I had an affair or how I can say that I love her after what I did. This has been going on for almost 5 months now. I need some advice.

I had to delete my post because

1) I have PMS

2) I have PMS and my message wasn't nice.

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Sunshine5270 ]</small>

Well actually I told her why I cheated. But I guess the answer isn't working. I am not trying to justify why I had an affair, only to try to get my marriage and family back together after ruining it. I am going to counceling but I am currently on a Navy ship away from my wife. Hopefully when I get home in two weeks we can work more positively forward but I will just have to see I guess.

That's ok,
I am getting used to it. Not very many people understand. I am just trying to find someone with a similar experiance that has made there marriage work and hopefully give me some good advice for mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by superbsailor:
<strong>I can't come up with an explanation to her on why I had an affair or how I can say that I love her after what I did. This has been going on for almost 5 months now. I need some advice. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure what you want advice on, exactly? Are you wondering why your wife is still struggling, and confused, and waffling? Five months is not a long time for recovery from these things. My H had 4 years worth of affairs (3 different women, 5 years total). He also was unable to explain why he was doing it. The last time part of the requirements for our recovery was that he get to the root of what was driving him to this behavior.

It was really, really important for me as the BS to understand why he was turning to other women. In that discovery process, using the questionnaires from this site, I discovered that my behavior was contributing to a relationship where he felt he had to turn somewhere else for his needs, rather than asking me to shape up and meet them. So we worked until we found out what these affairs were giving to him, why he had issues with being honest and open.

I had an easier time understanding how he could love me throughout the affairs, and still love me. He has an amazing ability to compartmentalize.

But sailor - it took a lot longer than 5 months for me to get here (and for him). It was a good year before we felt secure.

What are you guys doing to rebuild your love and trust?

Well like I said, I'm away from home right now. I finally go back after 2 1/2 years. We have been talking to Navy Chaplains for now. But I guess we will be able to do more when I get back. The frustrating thing about our relationship is that one minute I am being told we will stay married and the next minute I am bein told that we should divorce. It wouldn't be so frustraiting if we didn't have a baby coming too. (Our baby was concieved after she found out about me) But what is really bad is I have been out on the ocean for 2 weeks and haven't done anything wrong to change her mind. Four days ago she said she hope to learn to fall in love with me again, today she wants to talk about divorce.

sailor - I'm a BS and this is what it would take for me: honest answer about why you had affair, counseling together, promise to follow POJA, sincere remorse, willingness to answer questions about A, action on your part to make some kind of amends, actions to show your undying love. After you have done all this, post again, and I will think of some more. But seriously your wife's self esteem is probably severely damaged, show her you want to change and make a better marriage for her and child. Good luck.

I think it's very very important that you start to see things a little clearer from her perspective. Much like she can't even fathom what you were thinking or feeling while betraying her for 2 years, you can't fathom what she's feeling or thinking now. She's an emotional mess. So she's not rational. Don't expect her to be. And 5 months isn't DIDDLY! Most say that it takes as long to get over the affair as the affair lasted. In other words...2 years, means 2 years of her struggling over how she feels about everything.

So she's not sure she whether she wants to keep you around or not? So what? Would YOU be sure if you found out she'd been whispering sweet nothings in to some guys ear? If she'd been getting hot and sweaty, knocking boots and groping and grabbing, with someone else for TWO YEARS?? Would you be absolutely positive you wanted to keep her around and trust her to work through your marriage??? No...get real...you'd be furious and you'd want her to kiss your butt until she proved she would be faithful and loving.

Your confusion over how she is feeling is something you need to get a grip on...her confusion, is completely natural and to be expected. She's EARNED her confusion the hard way...you're just being insensitive.

The fact that you're having a baby probably makes it all the more confusing for her. Your past indiscretions are now tarnishing what it supposed to be a fantastically happy event. I'm sure that makes her even angrier than the A itself.

Show a little compassion. Show a little remourse. Show some real committment.

How can you say all of the things I haven't been showing? Writing a question for advice is not an excuse for pummelting a guy who is going crazy. What do you know about my remorse? What do you know about my compassion? Most especially what do you know about my committment? I am asking for advise on how to handle what I have got. I am asking for advise on how to make things better. I have already committed my life to my wife after this happened. I have more remorse then you know! Out here in the middle of the ocean I have plenty of time to beat myself up over what I have done to my wife, my children and my family. I understand fully how bad I have hurt my wife and I understand fully that it will take time for her to know what to do. Again, I am asking advice from a person who has been in a similar situation and to find out how they successfully worked the problem on both sides. Am I insensitive? I think not. I think I am a man asking for help.

Keep one thing in mind, Super...your original post asked for help for a very complex situation, with about 2 lines of information. How can I sum up your entire lives with that? I can't...I'm filling in the spaces as they usually are. I was a former WS...so I know the steps to failure and I know the steps to success. Without remourse and true committment, there is no success. You know the true depth of both that you have...and I never will. But your wife will need to know, and she'll need to believe.

It wasn't my intent to pummel you, I just wanted to make sure you realized the reality of your situation...many WS's come to this board still fully planted in the fog. All things considered...I still feel what I told you to be the facts. Have some compassion, have some remourse, and don't expect your wife to act like you want her to act on your timetable. I do understand it's frustrating and painful...but they are the consequences. Just dig in for the long haul, because the end results are worth it.

I am a little confused at your continual search for someone in the same situation. How exactly do you think all these situations differ? Because of the length of time? We have people on these boards who's A's have been anywhere from a 1 night stand, to some people who had partners with long terms affairs up to 20 years. They all hurt, they all took time to heal. The amount of time really just depended on the people involved. Many of us here understand what you and your wife are going through, regardless of the time periods involved.

One suggestion I might make for the purposes of getting all you need out of these boards. State more specifically what it is you are looking for answers to, and provide more information where it might be pertinent. It helps to avoid conclusion jumping, and might get you the answers you really need. I hope you hang around.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by superbsailor:
<strong> How can you say all of the things I haven't been showing? Writing a question for advice is not an excuse for pummelting a guy who is going crazy. What do you know about my remorse? What do you know about my compassion? Most especially what do you know about my committment? I am asking for advise on how to handle what I have got. I am asking for advise on how to make things better. I have already committed my life to my wife after this happened. I have more remorse then you know! Out here in the middle of the ocean I have plenty of time to beat myself up over what I have done to my wife, my children and my family. I understand fully how bad I have hurt my wife and I understand fully that it will take time for her to know what to do. Again, I am asking advice from a person who has been in a similar situation and to find out how they successfully worked the problem on both sides. Am I insensitive? I think not. I think I am a man asking for help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's some stuff to think about:

1. Your W is pregnant and will have emotional issues even if you are the greatest H.

2. You lost her trust and she is besides herself knowing how to deal with it. The BS goes through stages of grieving when dealing with the A. 5 stages at minimum and one of them is anger, then frustration. If you would like to read it, let me know and I will send you the link here at MB.

3. Whether you are on your best behavior now won't fix what was lost, you can help fix the future but know that until that trust is restored, you can lose your good standing minute to minute. Recovery is a hard road but worth the effort. Don't give up.

4. You know details about the A that she doesn't. So know that her imagination may make the A seem worse than what it was but since she was not there to witness it all and she doesn't trust you, well..... you are seeing the results.

5. In many cases recovery is twice as long as the A. You have a ways to go. Be patient.

6. Let your W know of the support here. Both of you can benefit but don't step on each other's recovery toes.

7. Read the concepts section, get the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr W. Harley and you both read it.

8. Take the emotional needs questionnaire separately and then together.

9. Understand her need to feel hurt and angry.

10. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart for the both of you.

11. Take some time off ASAP and show her she is the most important partner in your life.

Hope this helps,
L.