Broken Man<P>I understand your feelings of guilt and regret and all the other painfull feelings. But neither one of us can ever feel the pain we have put our wives through, it is far greater than either one of us could begin to imagine. My suggestion, is to except responsibility for your actions, and quit trying to blame your wife or anyone else for what you did.. Your just putting gasoline on the fire when you do that, and it will only make things worse.<P>I know I have tried to understand how my wife has felt for the last 4 1/2 years since I disclosed my past, I am not in her shoes and can not fully comprehend the roller coaster of emotions she has experienced.<BR>I have prayed to God to help her and to release her pain, she does not deserve to suffer any longer. I finally took 100% responsibility for my thoughtless behavior. I had choices when I went down that path towards infidelity, and I made all the wrong choices.<P>My wife has refused to go to counseling.<BR>She has been strugling with depression the last four years. I have talked to her parents <BR>and have told them she needs help, she can't deal with this by herself. She has continually tried to supress the pain, and hope it will just go away. Her dominat father, an ex marine, said his daughter was strong and to give her time. The old time heals all wounds. She grew up with three brothers, and a dominat father. Her experience growing up was, be a man, be strong,don't cry or show your emotions. Deal with your problems yourself, don't talk to others about your problems. From what she has learned from her dad ,its the pull up the bootstraps solution. So she has kept a lot of her feelings inside of her, only sharing with a select few some of what she is experiencing.<P>I pray that broken mans wife will seek help, and not try to go it alone. If we have pain from a broken arm, we go to a doctor and get it mended. If we have pain from having our heart ripped out and stomped on, while simultaniously being hit upside the head with a sludge hammer, we should seek out a professional to help mend the wounds.<P>For both of you I can only say to prepare yourself for a long journey, this experience will not be your ordinary drive around the block. I have finall realized it has taken me twenty five years to get where I am at, and that things will not be resolved by next Tuesday. Even though I wish it was that easy. You will need extreme patience, faith that things will turn out as God intended, and a strong commitment to grow your LOVE for each other.<P>I will pray for both of you. Peace be with you.<P>Chris(CA123)<P>Great suggestions to Broken Man and His wife.<P>I hope that was an honest mistake on MB Rule #1 The Rule of Protection.<BR>You stated "Avoid Being the Cause of Your Partners Happiness."<P>I am sure you ment to say, "Avoid Being the Cause of Your Partners Unhappiness.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by M Go BLUE (edited September 22, 1999).]

You’re right, but you can’t sue me for malpractice! LOL<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Broken Man -<P>I'm so glad that you are learning and have made an appointment with Dr Harley that's a big step in the right direction for you.....not only for your marriage but for yourself!!!!<P>How are things.....how is your Wife?<P>Are you here Broken Man's Wife?<P>Please, I hope the two of you are still lurking and working through the pain and anger of all this.<P>We would like to keep hearing from both of you.<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba<P>I am still here lurking but there is not much wind in my sails.<BR>We have both been seeing councelors and<BR>will be meeting with divorce mediators soon.<BR>I have a meeting also with my son's school phsycologist. I want to be a good person and make this as painless as possible for my wife and children. It is hard tho for me to <BR>be so cooperative and helpful on a divorce I truly do not want. I know my actions caused it.. I just only wish there was something I could do now to save things. understandibly tho, her love bank is way too empty. <P>I am trying to hold myself together as best as I can to appreciate and enjoy the last days I have with my family as it is before the separation and divorce go through.<P>It is still very hard and I guess the best way I get thru the days is to not think of the divorce and to focus on trying to be positive and look at the bright side of things.<P>------------------<BR>God bless us everyone!<P>

hello brokenman, Still waiting to hear from your wife. I sent her an e-mail, but not sure it was very welcome. <BR>I can understand you wanting to be cooperative, but if you do not want a divorce then you should see if your wife is willing to explore other avenues. Did you try to counsel with Harley? <BR>My heart goes out to you, your son, and your wife-very difficult time for all of you.

Hi Broken Man -<P>I have an idea for you.....<P>I found that I was able to cope a lot better after I got a lot of things that I should have said to my H out of my brain. I did that by writing it all down!!!<P>I don't know how much, if at all, you speak with your wife.....and how much of that is about why, etc all this has happened in your marriage.<P>It might help tremendously for you to write down you perspective through your marriage......<P>How it was at the start ... on through the years.....the birth of your son .... when things started to feel wrong and why.....why you acted the way you did with her .......the affairs..... the emotions and pain, frustration, lying, hopelessness, selfishness, running, and anything else you did or felt.....right up to discovery....and on to now.....your perspective on divorce....your son......your wife...your life!!<P>Do this Broken Man - write it with complete honesty!!!!<P>Then read it.....then read it again....<P>Then convert it into a letter to your wife ...... using the NO LOVEBUSTER concept!!! Explain yourself to her!!<P>She is angry now..and rightfully so.<BR>Some day she will work past the anger and will be left with the WHY? of the whole thing....I know because that is where I am!!!!<P>Even if this letter does not help with the anger....it will help with the WHY.<P>At the very least, you will be able to get out your feelings and start to cleanse yourself of your past behavior and make room for your future - improved and matured - behavior!!!<P>When are you speaking to Dr Harley?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Broken man<BR>It's nice to see that you finally realize the pain and hurt and danger you brought in to your home. Your actions go way beyond the norm for an affair and your wife has every right not to trust you again. my ex H cheated with 3 different ones and there was absolutely no love left. The two of you need to go on separate paths. You are apparently very different people with very different beliefs. Respect her and her feelings at this time.

Sheba and cl... I will write to you, just haven't had a chance yet. By the way...We have a 3 year old daughter too.<P>I am no longer angry. I know it is hard for you to believe, but it is true. Since I've made my final decision to divorce (about a week ago), I have been very happy. I want to move forward, and H is holding me back from that happiness. <P>Also, We do know "why". For 6 weeks we beat our history to the ground. I didn't stopped talkng to him, in fact I made sure I was available and open to any discussions, any time of day or night that he wanted to talk.<P>This marriage is not salvagable..there was a time when it was, but that time has passed and we both must move forward. H has to learn to love himself (somthing that was a problem anyway), I know once he can heal himself, then he will look at the bright things in the future. I know we will ultamatley both have better lives. I am no good for him and he is no good for me; BUT, we are both good for our children. In fact, we will both be better parents separately then together.<P>-Broken's wife

Broken Man's Wife -<P>I did not realize that you have a Daughter also...I guess I just carried over the Son reference from one of the previous posts. I'm so sorry.<P>If you have come to a peaceful place within your heart, mind and spirit with the decision to divorce, then that is the path you choose.<P>I am confused about one thing though, How is your Husband holding you back from your happiness? You are proceeding with a divorce like you want, right?<P>Is it his unhappiness with your decision that is a factor in holding you back? Why does that matter?<P>Good Luck to you,<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 26, 1999).]

Sheba<P>I am unhappy because I want to proceed using a divorce mediator, to keep it amicable for the kids sake. BUT, I need his cooperation to do so. My H "says" he want what is best for the kids; but acts in a different matter. [this morning in front of the children he said "at least the kids will be your problem" - I was infuriated that he should refer to the kids as a problem RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM]. I want H to see a child psychologist and make all of our mediated decisions based on the children.<P>Last night at joint counseling he annouced the HE wanted the kids! If he doesn't shape up soon and agree to a "nice" mediated divorce...then I well proceed without him, directly to a lawer. The only thing that holds me back from that now is the fact that I am putting my children first. You would think H would jump at the opportunity to use a mediator: 1)for the kids 2)so I don't have to drag his infedeility all over the courthouse!. I don't understand why he is holding back...my patience is waning, quickly!<P>-Brokens wife

Broken Man -<P>I understand your pain and <BR>anger.....that is what this forum is for <BR>- to try and work through it!!<P>Please, you have to control it - <BR>especially in front of your children.<P>They have been exposed to enough anger, <BR>sadness, emotional turmoil and <BR>disruption!!!! Their little minds <BR>cannot comprehend the whole picture - <BR>only what you both say and do!!<P>Please.....do not cause them to have <BR>more instability and fear than they <BR>already have!!!<P>You might not realize it, but they do <BR>see and hear....... They are afraid and <BR>your shouting and saying things like you <BR>did are scaring them further!!! Not <BR>only that - but if you said what your <BR>wife wrote - you have heaped a lot of <BR>guilt onto them. You MUST repair that <BR>damage!!<P>This is a very emotional time....you say <BR>that you have done some reading and <BR>looking into relationship info. <BR>including this site. I do not see where <BR>you are practicing any of that <BR>knowledge!! YOU MUST!!! For your sake, <BR>your wife's sake and for your children's <BR>sake.<P>The way to someone's heart is not <BR>anger!! Yes, your wife wants a divorce. <BR>You have talked with her some, <BR>apparently and BOTH of you can not come <BR>to a satisfactory solution. I don't <BR>know why, but perhaps God is putting you <BR>both on this path for a reason!!<P>To stay close to your wife, whether for <BR>your own hope or just for the children's <BR>benefit will require you to stop the <BR>anger and be cooperative and deal with <BR>things with love!!!<P>What could you possibly gain by <BR>demonstrating this behavior??<P>We all need to vent.....do it HERE!!!!<P>Hugs and Strength and please apologize <BR>and then talk with your children to <BR>reassure them.<P>Sheba<P>PS - this thread is getting long - could <BR>you start a new one for yourself, so <BR>that we can continue to communicate with <BR>you? Thanks.

Broken's Wife - I am sorry to hear of your decision, because it will be painful, even if it is what you know must occur. But you must do what you think is best for yourself, the kids, and yes, your H, too. I, too, knew that my marriage was not salvageable - but that did not make it any easier to endure the divorce process. You will have to mourn your marriage, and then continue on and make a new life for yourself. I have found, as a result of this painful experience, that I am must stronger than I gave myself credit for. Also, I had no realization before the breakup of how demoralized I was by my H's treatment of me over many years. Like I said before, I would have preferred to have saved my marriage - but I could not do it with a partner who did not truly care for me, nor had any interest in doing what it would have taken to save it. I still do, and probably always will have a sadness about losing our life together, knowing he chose to throw our marriage away. You will get through this, I promise. You will look back and marvel at how strong you became. My prayers are with you all.

Broken man's wife:<P>Wow, H is really being stubborn, huh? Does he realize that it's in his best interest to just go to a mediator and get things settled like that? How can he in one sentence say that the kids are "your problem" and in the next say that he wants them. With his morals and bad judgments I hope that won't happen. At least my H was a gentleman about it, admitted his errors and decided to go on with life. With little kids you have to be very careful. I hope he eventually realizes this and causes you as little pain as possible. He has already done much damage, now it's your turn to be happy. He's been happy for the past 6 years. By the way, a question for Broken man: Had your wife not confronted you, would you still be carrying on with these low lifes and cheating on your wife with strangers and everyone else you could get your hands on?

H has now threatened to fight me for the children. He is making up lies about me. What should I do?

Brokenman<P>If what your W is saying, making up lies, fighting for custody of the kids, is true.<P>The only advice I can give you is,<BR>STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!<P>Your really making everything much worse and are not showing any signs that you really do love your W. Because if you do love her, you have a strange way of showing it. <P>You also are not expressing love for your children by your behavior.<P>The only way to get your wife back is through being respectful of her and her decision, and loving her the way she should be loved.<P>You need to read the book "Getting Your Wife Back Before Its Too Late" By Gary Smalley<P>After I read this book, it totally change how I saw the situation, and how I had been treating my wife.<P>Also visit the site www.divorceasfriends.com<P>The information presented a this site would be of great help to you at this time. <BR>GO TAKE A LOOK!<P>Bottom line.<BR>YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR IMMEDIATELY IF YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN!<P>If your situation is going to change for the better, its up to you.<P>"Do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke 6:31