I was checking my e-mails and found that the woman I had been seeing has sent me a message. Just a general update on what she's been doing and she ended it by letting me know that she still cared.

I stopped contact with her when I decided to explore the R with my FWW again and was very clear to her about what I was doing and the need to have NC with her. My feelings for her never got too intense and I feel no desire to contact her again. I was wondering how I should handle this. Should I write her back and reiterate to her what I have told her before or should I just ignore it with the hopes that she will get the hint and not do this again?

I will tell my W that she contacted me again, I would want her to do the same. Maybe I should ask her what she would like me to do and handle it that way?

NO CONTACT with OW! Period.

Agree with Mimi, No Contact!!!
Tell wife.
Simple.
DB

DELETE MESSAGE.

Put it in the trash where it belongs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi starman:

Yeah, I guess this is one of those reasons that the BS is urged not 2 get involved with other people until some time after a DV is finalized.

Considering your particular sitch, I think that first, you should tell your FWW about the contact. Then, ask her how you should deal with it (knowing the answer, as you do, because you're more "educated" than your FWW at this point in time), then, either ignore the message or write a reply WITH your FWW's approval. Let the xGF know that your W coauthored the reply.

Take care,
-2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My feelings for her never got too intense and I feel no desire to contact her again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the words of Tommy Smothers....

"El Toro Crappo"

If you didn't have any feelings, you wouldn't need help deciding.

Your post is pretty "general". Are you still married to FWW? Living with her? By "exploring R", what do you mean? I don't know you're whole story. I assume you're still married to FWW, and if that's the case, then, as I tell my children....

"If you have to ask the question, then you already know the answer." (Sounds a little stupid, but it's usually true)

Oscar

Okay NC is the way to go then. I honestly have NO desire to contact this person at all. It just caught me by surprise when she contacted me. I really wasn't expecting that from her. I wanted to make sure that this does NOT become a recurring thing and will do whatever gives me the best chance of accomplishing that.

Can depend on reaction of W.

Our MC recommended a certified letter threatening a harassment order.

WH thought too harsh.

Ballistic BS got harassment order from OW after calling OW's minister and OW's daughter and OW's H.

Nice touch. I suffer with a broken arm to protect H from Order for Protection, and H won't protect my feelings enough to make clear to OW that NC means NC.

H recently told me of contact after HO from OW. Guess she figured she was protected...

double post....

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: victoria farrar ]</small>

Well I am going to agree with everyone else, but with an exception, and I will explain why afterwards. I think that you and your wife should together send a simple email to this woman saying "do not contact us ever again in any manner" and sign both names to it and then block her email address.

What you wrote could have been written by my H word for word. He and I have gone round and round about this. His A has been 'over', for him at least, for almost 4 years but the OW was still contacting him! The last time only 3 days before we moved from the state. He, too, was always caught off guard when she called so didn't hang up. He asked her not to call him again, but she continued to do it always with him having the same reaction-letting her talk before he would ask again that she not call. I finally called her H, now xH, to find out just what the crap was going on and he told me that he felt that she would keep it up as my H was her 'fantasy man'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I told him, one more occurance and we are filing a restraining order against her.

Please take this as a serious threat...she is fishing and now that there has been no negative response she will think 'just maybe'. That was pointed out to me by our C when I went ballistic over all the emails that OW was sending to H; even though he was trashing them all, to her there was always a chance that something might happen between H and I and she wanted him to know that she was still there. And by not taking care of it then, she was still convinced that he felt things for her or else he would have stopped it once and for all.

Don't let yourself get caught in that trap. Make one strong statement now, get it over with and then move on with your life. You don't need anything hanging over your head while trying to rebuild your relationship.

Victoria, your advice is right on for most situations...but, in Starmans defense (not that he needs it) he's not the WS...his wife is. And he isn't positive they are reconciling. They're just doing some counceling together. This "OW" hasn't done anything to destroy their marriage, she was just interested in a relationship with a man who was in the middle of a divorce.

How about a balanced approach.

Out of kindness do respond in a non hostile manner tell her you are flattered that she contacted you, tell her you are glad to hear she is doing well.

Then remind her you asked for a complete break of all ties in order to work on your marriage. Tell her you cannot have this type of contact.

Inform her that it is nothing personal but she needs to honor your request.

Then block her email address.

Sorry Hope, but until the decree is delivered Star is/was still married so he was involved in an EA at the least and became a WS when he decided to pursue another relationship before the true end of his marriage. It doesn't count to just think it is over...I know, I was involved in an EA myself because I was sure that my marriage was coming to an end. But guess what, it wasn't and two very dear men got hurt because of it.

In any event, the point has got to be made clear that the relationship is over and that it is a joint request from both H and W.

In a word:
No
two:
No way
three:
Ain't no way
four:
aint no way baby
H

Wow, lots of good posts here on different schools of thought. I tend to agree with Victoria.

Starman, you're right, this woman IS the OW simply because you weren't divorced when you met her.

My 2 cents worth is to not reply, and block her email address so that you will no longer receive emails from her. To respond in any manner could be construed by her as some type of "interest" just by being nice enough to reply.

And give full disclosure to your wife, to give that trusting environment that you both want and need for the future <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for all the great responses. I told my FWW that she had contacted me and asked her what she would like me to do about it. We bounced around various ideas and she thought that I should just ignore the e-mail and see what happens. She was afraid that any response by me would be seen as an opening for her and would cause her to start trying to contact me more. So that is what I will do and we will take it from there.

Even though it is talked about a lot here, I want to again warn anyone who is going through this process that it is a BAD idea to get involved with anyone in anyway until your D is FINAL! My situation is not a difficult one, but I can see how easily it could have gotten that way. The only positive thing to come out of it was that it was the catalyst for my W to come to me in a very humble manner and ask for a chance to reconcile. When she found out I was seeing someone else she completely FREAKED. She had been seeing someone else at the time also (a different OM than the one she left for)and she told me that it was like getting hit in the face with a hammer. She had been wanting to come to me for quite a while before this but was too scared. I know that she would have come to me sooner or later anyway, so even that wasn't a good reason to justify seeing someone else while I am still married.

Just to ramble a bit on another point, I went back and saw that there was a five month gap when I stopped posting and counseling with Steve H. It is in this period that I started seeing this OP. If I had stayed the course here I know I would have never started seeing her in the first place. This was the ONLY place that ever discouraged me from seeing someone else while my D was still ongoing. Every one of my friends and family members were happy for me that I was seeing someone and only warned me to go slow. Even the mandatory Kid's First classes that I had to take for the D never discouraged seeing other people, only to be careful with it as far as the children were concerned. It is a rare thing to find such good advice as you do here out in society in general anymore. If I had continued going to church through this time (I got a bit angry with God for a while)I'm sure I would have heard about from my pastor too but that would have been about it.

Starman...

Been there done that. As a BS myself I fell into the trap of allowing OW into my life. Yes I said the same thing, my feelings for OW never compared to the feelings for my W. I never met OW as it was all over the internet, but still I let her fill some EN's that I felt my W should be filling.

Bad move, very bad move. By allowing the OW to fill some of my EN's I was effectively blocking my W from filling those. Not only that, but I was transferring funds from my W's love bank to the OW's love bank.

Sure I argued cause and effect.... Sure in some obscure way I felt entitled.

Do what I did and still do. When I see an email from OW, do not open, do not read. Delete unopened and block the address. In my case the OW has opened additional email accounts and as soon as I realize it's her I stop reading, delete and block. It's up to you and you alone to put a stop payment on these love bank transfers.