I posted last friday about this, but let me try again, because right now I'm about ready to give up. My wife and I dated for 4 wonderful years, and we have been married for 6 uneventful years. I'm 33 and my wife is 31 and when we meet she was 20 and I was 22.

We have a 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. For the past 2 years I've had an unstable work history. Hopefully I will get news within the next weeks to change this.

I estimate that about 2 months ago a woman started to pursue my wife, this women is friends with another woman which has a son in my daughter's nursery school. This woman has wrote my wife letters, given her stuffed bears, invited my wife, children and the friend from the nursery school over to her job, so the kids can decorate holiday bears.

About a month ago my wife and her exchanged phone numbers and began to talk. About 2 weeks ago I noticed my wife to be reserved and very distant, from me especially. It grew so bad that I confronted her about it and she admitted that she wasn't in love with me any more and later she added that she is now attracted to women. I left the house for 2 days, to clear my mind and a friend turned me on to this web site and I decided to come back home. She later admitted to the affair with the woman and then admitted they have kissed on 2 separate occasions.

On Friday, I got her to break it off with the other woman for at least a month, but then she went to the woman's job to tell her about it and after went to a bar with her, coming home at 1am. I also got her to agree to go to marriage counseling.

Since then our discussions have focused around the fact that she is now attracted to women and whatever we do isn't going to change that.

Yesterday we went to counseling and we talked about our family history and our time dating with the therapist. And she seemed to be doing better, but later in the evening she made it a point to tell me that don't expect this to have a fairy tale ending. That she has been repressing these feelings of being attracted to women for about 20 years now and that on two occassions before we met she had a sexual experience with 2 different women(they happened to be close friends), and that she used to masturbate to pictures of women. She also said she doesn't regret or feel bad about cheating on me with this other women. Naturally I was upset by this and have begun to doubt for myself whether the counseling will benefit the relationship. I definitely want to continue the counseling but I feel myself not being as positive I once was, mostly due to her constant negativity. Any advice????

Call Steve or Jennifer ASAP.

L.

Please follow Orchid's advice. I have first hand experience in this if you would like to research my situation.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 04:37 AM: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</small>

How do I contact either one?

Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639

Counseling center

Hi there! I'm on the other end of this kind of situation. My partner of 12 years decided that she's straight after we had a baby, bought a house, and combined our finances legally. We also took vows and various other things.

And yes, she decided that she's straight in the midst of an affair with a man.

All I can say is, nah. A marriage is a marriage is a marriage. You took vows, didn't you? I bet it included the phrase "till death do you part" and all that.

Having said that, I advise two things.

First, implement every one of the Plan A things RIGHT NOW.

- Eliminate LBs

- Meet needs (don't even attempt SF right now, though)

- Calmly, courteously, and respectfully express how hurt you are, and ask for specific changes to her behavior.

- Talk to others about your wife's affair. Make clear that you love her, that you want to work things out, that you've made mistakes too, and that none of that can happen while the affair continues.


And this is really, really important, meanpr. Remember that feelings change, and what your wife has is feelings for the OW. Her error is not in getting involved with a woman, it's in getting involved with ANYONE while she's married and has vowed to be faithful to you.

Please be very careful with this. She will try hard to make this a "deal breaker." Just say over and over again that you think things can work out and you want to talk about that after she's no longer in contact with OW.

And take a LOT of deep breaths. This stuff is HARD.

JustJ,

I appreciate the advice and have done some of this already.

I have talked to others about her affair, I try to eliminate LBs, but she takes everything I say and do and twist it into an arguement.

I explain how hurt I am and ask for her to maintain an open mind about this process, but she always brings up, she is now attracted to women.

Also, don't get me wrong about this, I truly believe cheating is cheating, whether you are w/ a woman or a man, you have still cheated. For me there is no distinguishing the two, neither one is acceptable. But, I'm not harping on this and I try not discuss it as well, except she keeps drilling the message home, she cares about the OW, not me.

We have a therapy session tomorrow, so I'll see what happens then.

first, don't take the bait. if she want to turn start an argument then let her. you don't have to participate. be the rational one.

by baiting you into an argument, she justifies her irrational behavior. the more you argue back, the more justified she believes she is in continuing her affair, the more she believes the ow is who she wants. remember, plan A is for negotiating an end to the affair.

second, outside of your counseling session, do not start or participate in relationship talks. (the harley's may even argue that your joint sessions will be of little benefit while your w is still in contact with the ow.) use this time to meet needs -- be the best husband you can be.

third, orchid has given you the best advice already. contact the harley's asap.

First - There is always an answer that you can choose: "Hon, I'm sorry, your anger/hurtful statements are a bit too much for me right now. I need to take a break." And then leave the room.

If she follows you, leave the house.

If she still follows you, get in your car and drive for a while.

Whatever you do, DO NOT respond in kind. Just don't. No yelling, no blame, no arguments, no sarcasm, none of it. If it feels good or righteous or like you're meting out "justice," you're almost certainly doing something you shouldn't.

Meanpr

The following suggestion is something to think about. It may not be appropriate at this point or you may feel that it is unacceptable to you.

One of the ways to end an affair is to EXPOSE it. Tell family, friends, OW boss, wife’s personal friends, pastor, basically anyone that is pro marriage and has some influence with your wife to end the affair. You want to tell people that strongly believe in marriage and will talk against the affair. Exposing the affair is NOT done for REVENGE. It used as a method or technique to end the affair.


Beau

I heard a call to Harley's radio show that seems so similar to your situation that I suspect it is you.

My H had an A with another woman, but my understanding of the difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality as basically black and white has changed as a result of our M.

I have no idea if this will help, but I hope it does. My mother dominates my father, and when we married, I ran the show. My H became abusive. On January 3, 1998, he pressed down so hard on my forehead that I thought he was going to crush my skull into my brain. Almost six years later, there still is a lump in the middle of the forehead.

After that, I more or less tolerated anything -- until I could no longer stand talk about Sophia (he was having lunch with her and she was saying things like "Sleeping with Mark (her husband) is better because of you.") I got so upset I went into counseling and when I threatened to call her, he broke my arm.

My father in law treated my mother in law like a gnat. She was a loving but almost comic figure. Her children treat her with little respect.

After January 3, 1998, I took on the role of my mother in law. Because my H treated me so badly, my children started to treat me badly.

How the heck did we hook up? My mother dominated my father, and my father in law dominated my mother in law.

Although neither of us has ever had homosexual experiences, I have never had homosexual desires, and my H has told me that he never had homosexual desires, I once dated a guy who admitted that his sexuality was "bifocal."

In the back of my mind, I am wondering if there isn't some gender confusion going on in our marriage. Maybe the homosexual/heterosexual black and white really is more of a continuim. I've puzzled about this.

I know that Harley didn't think the homosexuality of your W's A was a showstopper. I wanted to pass on my perspective in case it helped you.

Our parish priest told someone I know that four couples each married more than 20 years broke up in the past year because of homosexual affairs. I have wondered if a bad marriage doesn't sour a person on the opposite sex.

Personally, I have become asexual. I just recently invited my H to come back to our bed, and he has not touched me in months except once to put an arm around me. It's as if my sexuality is dead. I had told him during the A that I felt violated, and he dismissed my concern. Now I feel like I was the whore, and I am just completely turned off.

broken heart and arm,

You are right on, that was me. I also got the impression from Dr. Harley that the homosexuality isn't a showstopper. I'm very much looking forward to getting the books surviving an affair and his needs, her needs to start following them like gospel. Right now I want to work it out, but until she is willing to leave the OW, I'm in limbo. But if I have a game plan to meet specific goals, I believe I can get through the rough times ahead. Everyday seems to be a new and different challenge, one moment we are both willing to work it out, the next we both agree separating would best. I need to better direct the conversations away from the negative.

Meanpr, I'm really interested to hear more of what you post as time goes on. The Harleys refused to counsel me because I'm in a same-sex relationship, so it'll be interesting to hear how they deal with a relationship where the wayward spouse has switched the gender of the partner.

My own WP uses that line as her reason for ending our relationship. She realized she wasn't a lesbian. I don't know whether to yawn or be furious when she says stuff like that.

Then again, I'm in Plan B, so hearing her say stuff like that isn't really going on these days.

Don't compete with a fantasy.

I look back two years in August when I considered moving out. Tom said that would tempt him to be with Sophia more.

You know what? I SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED MYSELF!!!!
I couldn't handle the obvious priority given to Sophia rather than to me.

Latest update

My wife spoke with OW yesterday, while I was at the library, when I walked in the door my wife was crying and quickly hung up the phone. I asked her what happened and she didn't want to tell me. I then said listen you can tell me anything you want and I won't judge you. She then told me the OW broke it off, because she felt as though my wife is confused and it is causing the OW too much stress. My wife still holds onto the being attracted to women part and she still maintains that our love is over.

I personally feel that she needs some time and space to sort out her feelings(couple days) and then I can start making Love deposits and determine whether the relationship can be saved.

What do you think?