I haven't seen any drastic signs yet, but tiny bits of info. when put together create hope in me that WH may be (turtle pace) rising from the FOG and waking up to discover what he has created for himself and others around him. OR it may just be my wishful way of seeing what I hope will eventually come.

My question is: Are there any subtle or obvious signs or actions that WS's do that can signal to us BS's that the WS is waking up and coming out of fantasy land down to reality?

Thanks
FF

ff, I'm with you on this question. I've seen some signs also. Any answers from anyone?

I have been waiting and watching for someone else to respond to this. Mostly because I didn't want to provide dicouraging information.

First let me say that for every person, I'm sure it must be a different story.

As far as what I experienced . . . my FWH kept going in and out of the fog. It was like he couldn't make up his mind. There was no major transition . . . it seemed to take forever for him to be totally out of it. Then the OW would call and he would backslide.

If there has been absolutely no contact, what you are seeing could be true. I pray to God that this is the case.

It hasn't been until just recently (after 2 years) that I can say my husband is 100% back. He has actually been having dreams about me leaving him and it scares him to death. ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I actually love it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) I am finally feeling a sense of security again.

I wish I could tell you that there is a revolutionary moment when a WS is free from the fog, but in my case at least, there wasn't.

Many Prayers,

Le

Great question! I am beginning to see some glipse that the fog may be lifting. H was initiated conversation about him knowing that it is more reasonable to stay with me than to be with OW. He was been agonizing over his behavior and there was been less of a "too bad for you" attitude. I don't anticipate it to be over soon, but I am hopeful that it will lift one day.

I am anxious to see the replys you get.

firefly

FF,
I wish I could say that one bright sunny morning you will wake up and your WH will be at the door step w/ roses and an appology, begging for forgiveness. It didn't happen that way for me. It took time and patients. I was never blessed with patience. Driving through fog is a great metaphor for the way your WH is thinking. There are very dense areas and very clear areas. You will see some of those clear thinking times but for the most part he will keep this clear thinking to himself. NO LB, going black and allowing him to see you happy in your life will help him come out of the fog.


Fog will last as long as WH allows it to last. You can be the sunshine to burn it away.

No LB, be up beat and possitive w/ H. Show respect for him as a father and expect respect from him.
SAA suggest the fog will lift when the WS is ready. Another suggestion is that we as BS be strong and wait out the storm. A 2 year time span may sound like a long time for recovery, but these are only suggestions. IN my cases recovery was prolonged for almost 4yrs due to renewed contact, interferance by family and ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

In my experience, while my H was in fog I LB often. I wanted my WH to be hurt as badly as he had hurt me. However, it didn't work in the beginning because he didn't care, then the fog set in thick. It made it impossible for him to see the OW for what she was and also as impossible for him to see me. When I let go and decided to live my life and stopped obsessing over the A, I gained peace w/ myself and my life. That peace gave me the strength to continue w/ my IC, children's C (even though my H objected at the time)and to understand that I would SURVIVE with or without H. I began to feel joy again. One day I realized I had not cried that day. Many more days, then weeks came pasted and I slowly realized I could and would be happy again. I was now the sunshine. This is when my H began to see me and we started working on our M.

As you can see there is no TIME span for fog.
All we can do is wait it out.

God Bless

Over & Over,

Thanks for the reply. I guess I should have wrote what possible sign if it is one that I've noticed. About 1 1/2 weeks ago, WH stopped coming out of his house to receive kids during exchange. He stays in his entryway and I have not walked ALL the way up to the front door yet. I asked 3 non-MB friends their thoughts. One lady who is going thru same thing said, it's guilt setting in. Another lady who went thru same thing and her WH divorced her and married OW, asked me "Well, are you coming out of your house to receive kids?" I didn't realize, but no I haven't for past 2-3 times. And also, it's stated in temp. "D" papers that exchanges be made w/o contact between spouses for my benefit emotionally. So this lady said it could be one of two things, 1. WH could be starting to honor my requests, and/or he may feel a bit guilt or OW is telling him to stay in, and I guess theres a 3rd; he may be protecting himself from his own anger toward me since the day he first started this new trend, he found out that I had visited his parents and was welcome at their house.

3rd person, who's divorced and male said WH could be trying to separate/distance himself from me in an attempt to cut the rest of me out of his life.

The only other sign is that he also apologized during the last exchange for him being late which he did call & leave msg. I said no problem, I am just glad you at least called. Good night. Then he left. Two good conversations despite being short w/in 2 days.

So there you have it. Not a big deal and probably not even signs of hope, but that's what has me thinking and hoping. So do you have any thoughts on these tidbits?

Also, to let you know, OW is living with WH in their luv nest of a house he bought. So there is definitely contact in every way, shape & form. This is what tells me that I'm probably just seeing what I wanna hope for. Who knows, but only God. I have placed it in his lap and will continue to have faith.


Firefly73,

Your signs sound much brighter and more obvious than mine do. Hope all works out and he does see it as being a more reasonable attractive option. Good luck, keep me informed.

FF


JuJu,

As always, good info. Thanks. I am determined to not LB anymore. I have heard that a lot about once WS sees BS happy and strong, that WS wakes up or is a bit surprised. I was put to the test just today for LB. I found some things out on my own and it caused me a lot of stress and frustration, especially after I've had a couple past good/great days of feeling strong; and then bam, back to feeling temporarily powerless. In the past, I would have immediately called him and reamed him out, but I paused and remembered (didn't take much thought) about not LBing anymore. I plan to approach the subject with him when the time is right. In the meantime, keep looking hot!!

Thanks again. Another question, how were the holidays for you and also for WH? Did you have the kids for the first major Turkey Day or Xmas, or did your WH? Did the holidays w/o you have an impact on your WH emotionally to any extent of helping the situation, or was he too busy w/the OW to feel anything. I am hoping this for my WH this upcoming season. If he's w/OW, it probably won't have any effect I am guessing, but if not, then who knows. Just another question I thought of. I may start this question as a new thread. We'll see.

FF

FF,

Signs of the fog lifting:

1. Nicer to the children.
2. Nicer to the family.
3. Accountible for his actions
4. Remorseful of his previous actions
5. Improving his character
6. Asking how you and the children are doing.
7. Willing to inconvience himself for the sake
of the family.
8. Displays of affection even when none is
returned.
9. Willing to listen.
10.Asks for and gives careful consideration to
your opinion and that of your family.
11.No longer acts selfish.
12.Willing to get good MC.

Basically turns into a nice person to be around. Looks out for the interests of others (his family).

L.

I've seen many signs of WW coming out of the fog per say, but it was more like peeping out of the fog. She will do things and I think she is ready to start to work on us then she pulls back again. Its like a turtle peeping out from under its shell, when it feels a little safe, it sticks its head out, but when it feels threatened, it goes back into its shell. I'm hoping eventually she will come back out of the fog. Still waiting...

Orchid

Thanks for the list. Even though I'm not basing
my whole decision on just your list, I believe I
am mistaking his behavior for guilt on his part.

I think I want to start seeing the FOG lift sooo bad that I was willing to make myself believe and see what I want to see and not actually what was happeining.

Therefore, I don't think my conclusions are accurate based on what everyone has explained happens when coming out of FOG. I guess the only thing that does resemble any of the signs is my WH apologizing for him being late getting the kids home when it was only 5-10 minutes.

As I continue to PRAY, HOPE, READ, IMPROVE MYSELF, AND ENDURE, may GOD be with me and carry me through this onward to recovery.

Thanks again everyone,
FF

I have received some good replies, examples of signs lifting. Just want to bump this thread up to see if anyone else has some different signs to add to my list.

Thanks'
FF

Forever,

Thanks for starting this topic. It has been helpful to read. I am very sorry that you think this is just guilt related and not the fog lifting.

firefly

I'm not sure the guilt isn't part of the fog lifting.

My H left for weirdo OW saying he didn't see he was doing anything wrong. Now THAT's fog. Guilt would be welcome, and a sign that the numbness is wearing off.

Your welcome firefly73. I'm glad it benefits more than just me.

Another weird thing happened today, but it appears it may be for the worse. Just before I left to drop kids off at WH house for the weekend, WH informs me to bring something of the kids, but said WE don't need (one of the kids') since there is one at his house for that kid. But the kicker is that for the first time since they started living together, he said WE (meaning him & OW) I figure.

Then when I got there, WH told me, WE will have them home by xx time Sunday. I just acted like it was a very normal word in his vocabulary. I did not give him the satisfaction (which is what I feel he was trying to get a feel for) by capitalizing on the WE comment. I don't know if he felt it would get a rise out of me and that I would go ballistic and demand OW not be present when he drops off kids. I don't know what to do if she is. When I first heard WH say it on phone, I cried after getting off phone. Also, after I drove away from his house, I cried for a good portion of way home.

I posted this very question today; What should I do/say when meeting OW for first time face to face? I got a few replies but mixed feelings from them. I'll check to see if any new replies.

So, I do not believe the FOG has started to lift, but if it has, he's not showing it enough for me to diagnose it.

A sad & frustrated FF

Just posted this on another thread:

Hey, been there, done that! Two days after he left me to shack up with OW, he was leaving "we" messages on the answerphone, having the kids to dinner at "our" house (his kids over 18, so nothing I could do! my kids left out of the deal).

Well, now that OW has headed for the hills in a faraway land, all this brazen "we" language is kind of funny. It wasn't "our" house -- it was hers. And she can throw him out on his patootie by email now, if she wants. Pretty humiliating, I expect. But it's not my humiliation this time.

So be patient. Bide your time. And politely refuse to "see" the OW, even if she's in-yo-face.

All this "we" language may come back to bite him ... in the patootie, of course!

Thanks A.M. Martin,

I hope and continue to pray that you and everyone else's advice comes true and really bites WH in the patootie as you say.

I just caught me off guard and got me wondering "Where is this we stuff coming from and what are the motives behind even saying it." But I continue to give myself a lot of credit for not allowing myself to flip or react to it, especially since I think he had ulterior motives for saying it.

Thanks again,
FF

Hi to everyone that read this thread .

Here is an update.....THE FOG MAY BE LIFTING, at least where his love for his kids are concerned.

My WH showed up alone with kids when returning them from his weekend; instead of w/OW as I was anticipating and preparing for.

He appeared to have definitely been crying. I asked if he was okay? He said no; I asked if he will be okay?
He said no. Our son didn't want to get out of truck and go inside. WH took kid out and managed to get the words I love you to our son out despite all WH's crying/tears.

I asked if WH wanted to talk about it. He said maybe sometime. I then said to him, I hope that no matter what happens in the future that neither of us lets our pride get in the way of telling the other person how we feel and if we are having 2nd thoughts or whatever. WH said okay (I think, can't remember).

WH kept crying and said he feels his is short-changing the kids and that he is sorry. I said thanks for saying that. He said he knows he won't be able to see the kids a lot for two weeks again. I said if you want to talk, just let me know. He said okay and then left.

I found out later from daughter that WH dropped OW and her kid off at local gas station before he came to drop off our kids. Then WH goes back to pick up OW and kid.

So what do you guys/gals make of this progress? I hope he is having at least some struggle w/me in his heart too. Hope all is well with you all.

FF