My husband of 23 years has admitted two PA and one EA that occurred in the past ten years. He also had a PA when he was married to his first wife. That marriage ended in divorce. Since he hasn't experienced the pain of being a BS, I don't think he understands what it feels like or can even imagine the pain his A caused the OW's husband. Could I get some feedback from betrayed husbands about how they feel about being betrayed and how they feel/what they think about the OM? Did the feelings/thoughts about the OM change over time? I only ask that because I noticed my feelings about the OW in my husband's life have changed since D-Day. I would like to share your comments with him -- maybe he would understand from a man's perspective.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: Too Hot2003 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could I get some feedback from betrayed husbands about how they feel about being betrayed and how they feel/what they think about the OM? Did the feelings/thoughts about the OM change over time? I only ask that because I noticed my feelings about the OW in my husband's life have changed since D-Day. I would like to share your comments with him -- maybe he would understand from a man's perspective.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was a pretty tough pill to swallow accepting the fact that someone was capable of taking away something you thought was truly yours. It's a huge ego hit at the same time.

I have no love for the OM but I also don't have any hate. It's not the OM who is at issue. The fault lies with the WS who betrayed us.

I feel more for his wife then anyone involved.

I was devastated when I discovered the truth. The most important person in my life had betrayed me. I was a mess. My self esteem went in the toilet. DDay was 8/9/03.
I had suspected something for quite some time, but finally got to the bottom of it when I recorded her phone conversations. The OM was a co-worker and is unmarried. DDay 2 was 8/25/03.
Same technique used. I feel that W was manipulated by OM but is guilty as well. I have no respect and lots of resentment for the OM.

Larry

i felt like i was kicked in the stomach every couple of days.

i've posted this elsewhere, but most people find it surprising that many male bs's say that their wife's emotional attachment to another man is more painful than the sexual relationship. don't get me wrong, the sexual relationship is devastating, too.

you also asked about how we felt about the om. this is as varied as the betrayed men themselves.

i, for one, harbored little or no animosity toward my wife's om. it didn't really do me any good to turn my energies on someone who couldn't help me save my marriage. i really just tried not to care about him at all.

sure, i had moments where i got really angry and referred to him in less than kind words. but it was mostly an expression of my anger at the whole stinkin' thing and not him alone.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

I learned about my wife's affair after contracting HSV from her. This is a constant reminder of the OM that manifests itself on my genitals from time to time. Add to this my wife's lies and total lack of respect and one begins to get the picture. I still want to kill the OM, and will not be able to control myself if I ever find him. I drive past the location where my wife met the OM regularly in hopes of finding him. It is hell to realize the one that you are supposed to be able to trust the most has betrayed you. Not to mention the constant images of my wife in another man's arms that flash through my mind frequently, or the anti-depressant drug that I now have to take. End of story.

When my W left, all I could do was blame it on the OM. As time has gone by I still blame most of it on him but my W takes alot of the blame also. You have to realize, this affair was not the first for the OM. It was more like the 8th or 9th. So, this OM is a serial cheater and knows how to get what he wants. I don't just not like this man but I'd have to say I probably hate him. I am a very easy going person, so for me to hate someone, they have to be pretty bad. The OM left his W and 2 kids as did my W. He has done this many times and has not supported his family emotionally or financially. So, if I had just met this man and knew this about him and he hadn't done anything with my W, I'd still think of this man as a loser and a piece of crap! I live in Alaska and it gets bad here in the winter. If this man was broke down on the side of the road, I wouldn't think twice about not stopping to help him. As you can see, I have no love, no respect, or anything but hatred for this man...

It took me a while to learn that blaming, hating, or any of the thoughts I had for the OM's was a dead end street. They were not the one's that hurt me.

The hardest thing I dealt with was the total lack of consideration and pure selfishness of it all. To me the A's were just one giant slap in the face. How worthless was 20 years together, our family, our children, and all of the other things we cultivated together? I'm the one working, supporting our lifestyle, and she's out F&^%$(*& other men! Now that does alot for one's self esteem. Infidelity is pure selfishness. A total lack of consideration.

Having said these things, that was then...and yes it hurt like hell...but life goes on...make of it what you will.

I have a few suggestions for your husband...say you are sorry for the pain you have caused...get professional help...don't quit if you really love your wife...take some personal responsibility...grow up....learn the definition of respect....do what you promised at the altar...feel very fortunate that you have a spouse that is willing to stick by you

To be blunt Too Hot he is pretty stupid if he doesn't recognize that he is at risk early in discovery of having his head blown off.

Woman tend to have thoughts of suicide.

Men tend to have thoughts of homicide.

And men unlike women are more likely to act on those thoughts.

Most of the murders occur to the OM or OM and WS.

He's not that stupid what happens is he doesn't think about getting caught neither wayward spouse does.

So he needs to recognize that. And here is why. Women can let off steam or vent by crying on the shoulder of a friend or family member. Men normally don't they keep those feelings inside until the boil over.

He doesn't need to know BS feelings. All he needs to do is read where experts like Shirley Glass and Dr. Harley compare finding out about an affair to being raped or having a close loved one die suddenly.

Ask him how he would feel if one of his children were suddenly killed in an accident.

Then tell him that is what it is like.

I too am a BS and I did indeed hate my WW's OM for quite some time. He was relentless in his pursuit of her for a number of years. In addition, he destroyed his children's family and deeply hurt his W, a wonderful woman. For a long time I felt hatred toward him for what he was doing to my M, but then I realized something. No matter how relentless he was or how much he tried to pull my W away, she would not have gone if SHE did not want to. She could easily have made the decision a long time ago to end it and it was in her power to stop him from pursuing her. No matter what he did or said, the final decision to commence the A was hers and to hate him for it relieves her of her responsibility for the A. They both created the A and destroyed two families and they each have to accept that responsibility.

I do not hate the OM now, I certainly don't respect him or consider him to be even a decent human being because of his actions related to his family and the pain his actions caused my children, but hate him? No. he shares responsibility for the A but he didn't force her. I have a feeling that many BS's put extra blame on the OP because it helps them in their rebuilding of the M with the WS. Personally I feel this is not right because the WS doesn't have to accept and acknowledge the extent of their own role in the A.

JMHO.

B

How do I as a BS feel about the other man and what he has done??

Well, imagine coming home from an honest day's work to find your child had been brutally molested. On top of that the criminal had planted just enough evidence to convince friends, family and others that you are the guilty party.

That's about how I feel about what the OM has done to me.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Wow Auto - what a great way to think about it. Do I hate the OM? Yes, but I hate myself for not meeting her needs and contributing to the conditions that led her to the decision. I hate her for acting on the decision.

How can you hate a man who cheats on his wife and his kids and contributes to the destruction of another man's family? The man's a frickin' saint.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Comanche:
<strong>
How can you hate a man who cheats on his wife and his kids and contributes to the destruction of another man's family? The man's a frickin' saint. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure I understand this quote. Please explain.

I was being sarcastic. Quite honestly, I don't what I'd do if I ever met up with this guy. I realize it was her decision to act upon, but I can't help but point a finger of blame, albeit indirectly, in his direction.

Besides, it makes me feel good to write bad things about him.

I've considered contacting his wife, but that's another thread.

Comanche

10/23/03 my wife comes home in a bad mood: I ask what's wrong...twice. She looks at me and calmly says she doesn't love me anymore and thinks we should be apart, seperated. Three days of trying to find out what in the world is going on, leads me to also find out (after alot of palying with words on her part) that she had been with someone but only kissed him. No, I don't and didn't then believe that one. Then I find expensive jewelry, that then disappears (it was my vivid imagination). I am sure she has seen and still is seeing someone and contrary to what she states I believe from, among other things what I have read at this website, it is not only a co-worker, but possibly her boss. I have contemplated suicide for 3 weeks. Have twice sat in my bedroom and backyard with a loaded 9mm. I would right now kill the OM if I saw him or knew for sure who he was. I would most likely do so a year from now. It is wrong to think how I have thought, and I may be slowly coming around, but when I am cheated, disrespected and treated as I have been, it will take a long time. In the mean time I would not trust myself to NOT kill this guy. So, right now I am trying to get us into counseling, to which she has agreed half heartedly. If this is not going to work, I will leave the state, for good. I blame the wife most though. She should have been honest; she should have talked; she should have kept her vows to me; she has turned in to a mean, dishonest, selfish person who will now lie at will (or not tell the whole truth, which to her I guess is not a lie). We have 2 girls, one is moved out and the other 2 years from college. I dispise my wife for stealing half my life, making it all a lie, for robbing me of the rest of my life as we had planned, for robbing me of being with my kids, my grand daughter, for putting herself before everyone and everything. I gues at this point I hate them both. But I will fight for now because I want my wife back and to me it is worth it. I just am not sure how many more days or weeks I can endure the pain and humiliation she puts me through daily. I am sick daily. I cry daily. I hate living like this. So soon, it has to stop one way or another. And I have another post that explains, but I blame also her DR., the hysterectomy, the lack of information, the dangerous drug the DR has her on, all this that I believe has caused mood swings and a personality change that has drastically my wife into a monster. See the website at the HERS Foundation. God bless.
Married 25 yrs. (anniv. 3 weeks)
2 children 23, 16
me - 52
wife - 45

What "auto000??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> " said fits my memory too. Being "kicked" in the gut......yea...that too.

What has (& still) bothers me is that relatively no actions to really disconnect w/ the OP. You know, in a really permanent way.
More silence & believing in her head that all is well now. Every move made to save our marriage has been based on a drastic move by me to walk out or take some action against the OP. Only then did my W make any moves. W felt that just telling me was enough....leave the rest alone.
Problem is that the most important element to regain my trust back would be a confrontation w/ the OP by W, making it very clear that there will never, ever be ANOTHER friendship/EA ever, ever, EVER!!!.....again.
That element of NC was left out of our early recovery & boy do I wish I had paid better attention to this sites advice regarding NC.
As it remains now.....That door is open to OP. W says she will not go through it, but leaves it open for the OP to come back at anytime. W is so afraid of conflict that she would rather keep me squirming the rest of our marriage, than to please me with this one act of loving re-commitment.
I just can't relate this one to my W no matter how I emphasize it to her.
I got a (weak) NC letter from W to OP only after I through my hands up in disgust from a recent contact made between the two the day before she told me.
Said: "That's it, fugure out what your doing.....I'm gone!"
Came home later that day to find the letter.....but you see what I mean. I had to force it out of her. As well as NC. I've become this unbelieving, untrusting, worthless example of a husband because I am not worth shutting down the possibility of a future A w/ same OP.

For God's sake & the sake of our family!!
SHUT THAT DOOR.........I'M FREEZING IN HERE. AND WHO KNOWS WHAT (wolf) WILL SHOW UP AT OR STEPS ONE DAY SOON.

Whew......that got kind of wordy!
Must of had to get that off my chest.....

Thanks crew!

Wiped!

Thanks Comache, I thought you must not be serious.

The real laugher is that this guy probably thinks he is a saint or at least doing god's work. He actually had the nerve to tell me that the A with my wife is god's will. I asked him what about his and my marriage vows and he started to make up stuff about god wanting different things at different times from us. Funny, God never told me that my vows were no longer valid. God didn't tell OM's wife either. Did God forget to tell us? I don't think so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Imagine, doing Satan's work and attributing it to God. Even my atheist friends can't believe that one. That's how depraved these OM's are.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>