Hi,

I'm not yet up to date with all the abbreviations you are using here so please be patient with me.

I found out 4 weeks ago that my wife had an affair with a guy she knew at a tae-kwon-do club. they used to go running together too and this is how the relationship built up. I didn't know about this when it was happening.

She went to stay with her sister for a couple of weeks and then on her return told me about the affair and promised to end it.

The affair was not a long one, they probably only had contact like this for about 3 months, one month running together, one month kissing etc and about 2 weeks when there was sex. It only happenned three times.

I have no reason to believe that she hasn't ended the affair and we have been giong to counselling for a couple of weeks already. This seems to be helping.

However, she still goes to the tae-kwon-do club that they met at. He goes too, but she has not spoken to him when they have been there. She has a friend who also goes (a very close friend) who has been on the receiving end of an affair before and has gotten over it, they now have a great marriage.

My wife is still going through withdrawal and is not returning the affection that I am showing her with any meaning, however, she does acknowledge that she feels confident that we can be happy again. Whenever I bring up the topic of her not going to tae-kwon-do this really creates a problem to the happy environment that I am trying to create for her when she is with me.

We are able to talk about many things although our love life has become more difficult recently.

Is it possible for her to overcome her feelings with the other man (he is also married and 21 years her senior) while still attending the same club? I think that this is a really dangerous thing for her to do but don't feel that I can really tackle the problem with her yet. What should I do.

I would appreciate some advice here. Things could have been a lot worse for us I know, we are still together, we want to work on things, there has been no contact other than accross a crowded room as it were, but I am obviously going through hell each time she goes. She says that her feelings are subsiding for him (i'm not sure about this) but go through hell each time she goes to her club. We have three kids and we were each others only sexual partner until this happenned.

I feel inadequate in the bedroom as this guy was extremely well endowed but all I want to do is make love to her. This in itself is causing some pressure. I can't eat, sleep or work. Comments welcome.

Hi Damian,

Welcome to the board. I am fairly new here myself. First of all,let's take a look at you. If you are losing a significant amount of weight,can't eat and cannot sleep well among other symptoms,please consider seeing a professional about that. When I first found out about my husbands affair, it was the same for me and in order for me to not continue on that path and become seriously ill, I was referred to a Nurse Practitioner(from my counselor) and she put me on an antidepressant and a sleeping aid.It has made a world of difference for me. My weight is back up,I am sleeping really good most of the time and my emotions feel more "stabilized".I was able to function more like myself and I stopped sobbing all the time.

Secondly,if you have been reading the posts here, you would know that in order for an affair to be truly over in every sense of the word,the wayward spouse(WS) has to cut off ALL CONTACT and so that means for your wife to leave the club and seek her martial arts needs at another dojo or club.At the very least,she should do that for you as it hurts you and your relationship.No matter what she says about her being able to handle herself there or whatever,it's an excuse.You need to be serious about that with her and also discuss that in counseling.If your counselor doesn't think anything is wrong with that situation,seek another counselor in my opinion(IMO).

The other issue about endowment: how do you know this guy was "well endowed" so to speak? Did she come home telling you that?? I hope not.That is cruel.But obviously for you,it is another issue that needs to be explored if you feel inadequate,even if it was just due to the affair.

The fact that she may not be being receptive to any affection from you could be due to not only that it is still soon after the affair happened(our spouses are in the "fog") but ALSO because she is still in contact with the other man(OM),maybe not physically but she is in the room, able to see him,they can see eachother so that is definitely not helping.

So, in summation,talk to your wife and counselor about the need for NO CONTACT(NC)whatsoever, and keep going to counseling,read the boards here and get some help with some of Dr.Harley's books,I am finding them very helpful.Such as His Needs/Her Needs,Surviving an Affair.

Good luck to you and keep us posted on how things go.

October <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. Here are a few more intials and what they mean:

Wayward husband(WH)
Wyward wife(WW)
Affair(A)
Betrayed spouse(BS)
Marriage Counseling or counselor(MC)
Other woman(OW)
Other man(OM)

Let me address the endowment issue and get it out of the way - If you don't like the way you are endowed (which I think is COMMON among men, it's like us women thinking we are fat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), make up for it with creativity. The feelings of inferiority/ the blow to the self esteem are also COMMON for the BS. With time and positive reaffirmation from your wife, these feelings will diminish. Especially if they were never a problem before the affair.

Now, about the contact. Is there any reason you can't go to the club with her? I know it would pain you to see the OM, but the peace of mind it would give you to be present and see everything with your own eyes would probably be worth the incomfortability of being in his presence. Out of respect to you, she should take up another activity, or change to another gym - but she might not be quite ready for you to impose that on her yet. I'd probably give it another week or so and then gently lovingly tell her how you feel. How having them together in any capacity brings you distress. Give her a scenario - like if you had had an A with a checkout girl at Walmart, then wouldn't she rather see you shopping at Kmart after that? Scenarios worked really well with my H after d-day to help him relate to my feelings on things. Use a scenario that you think would work with her. I also used the one that if someone was a recovering alcoholic, then they didn't need to go watch ball games in a bar.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

Your W is in la-la land if she thinks contact can continue. In order for you both to recover, all contact must end. She needs to send a no contact letter to the OM and quit her club. Every time she sees the OM puts *YOU* back to D-Day and puts her back to day 1 of withdrawal.

She will never get over the OM if she continues to see him and it is pure FOG to believe otherwise. It's just the same as an alcoholic having a "little drink" now and then. The very least she can do is send a no contact letter and quit her club if you have agreed to stay with her. Here is Marriage Builder's stance on it:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

"Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

First of all, STOP ACTING NEEDY AND STOP PURSUING HER. Nothing is as unattractive as a BS trying to 'reclaim' his/her WS with showers of attention or affection when he or she is in withdrawl and in contact with the OP. Not only does it not work, like you have seen for yourself, but it makes the WS beleive that the BS is doing it more out of fear of losing him/her than out of true, genuine love for him/her. I recommend that you start making yourself scarce when your W is around. If she tries to engage you in small, meaningless chat, answer her in a cold and emotionless fashion and leave the room as soon as you answered her. DO NOT BE MEAN OR DISRESPECTFUL TO HER and if she asks you what is wrong convey to her CALMLY, RESPECTFULLY AND QUIETLY that since she puts her contact with the OM above your personal devastation, that it is extremely painful for you to see have any contact with her and that until she OF HER OWN FREE WILL choses to have no more contact with the OM by going to that dojo, that it is best for you that she stay away from you as much as possible. You see if you ACT like nothing is wrong and convey to her with your silence to 'Don't worry about me honey and go see the OM', then she will with a clear conscience. If she truly cares for you she will not enjoy leaving you to go to the dojo where she is going to be in contact with the OM, and she may decide that it is not worth to risk losing you by going to that dojo.

Oh and go sleep in another room so that she sleeps alone in the bedroom. Let her experience some of the loneliness you feel because of her selfish choices.

Damian

At step you might consider is EXPOSING the affair. It would be appropriate to contact the OM’s wife and let her know about the affair. The OM’s wife needs to know what her H is doing behind her back.

The purpose of exposing the affair is NOT REVENGE. It is an effective way to stop the affair.

You might consider exposing the affair to friends and family that are support of your marriage. Again this approach is NOT REVENGE but to increase the pressure on W to have NC. The people you tell about the affair should have some influence with your wife and be willing to call her and support your marriage.

I know this is hard and embarrassing but if you want your marriage to work you have got to be insistent on NO CONTACT.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> Damian

At step you might consider is EXPOSING the affair. It would be appropriate to contact the OM’s wife and let her know about the affair. The OM’s wife needs to know what her H is doing behind her back.

The purpose of exposing the affair is NOT REVENGE. It is an effective way to stop the affair.

You might consider exposing the affair to friends and family that are support of your marriage. Again this approach is NOT REVENGE but to increase the pressure on W to have NC. The people you tell about the affair should have some influence with your wife and be willing to call her and support your marriage.

I know this is hard and embarrassing but if you want your marriage to work you have got to be insistent on NO CONTACT.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent point Beau, I'm glad you brought it up.

Damion

further information requested

^^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />