My wife is claiming her A was strictly an EA - which is bad enough as I am devasted. Naturaly, it's impossible to believe her given that they were together for over a year and sex is very important to her. My position is I'd rather know the worst and move on as opposed to finding out a year from now....

While I know I may never know the truth and it probably doesn't matter as the damage is done, what other BS's here found out much later that EA really was both EA/PA?

Comanche, it has been my experience that recovery is a slow and painful process when the truth is withheld. It will come out....in dribs and drabs over time. And every piece of new information that comes out will put you back to day 1 of recovery. It will be hell because it is impossible to rebuild trust when your spouse persists in being deceitful about the affair.

It will be like dying a death of a thousand cuts. As long as she continues to keep secrets with the OM that you are not privy to, your recovery will be great impeded.

Her best bet is to lay it all out there at once and get it over with if she wants her marriage to recover. And you should remind her that you have a right to this information, it is about YOUR LIFE too.

Why did you choose the screen name Comanche? I live in old Comanche territory and my husband's family has an interesting historic connection with the Comanches, a story that is famous in these parts.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Have you thought about contacting OM?

Beau

ML - I'm not avoiding your question about my name - I'm not sure I want to divulge publicly. Is there a way I can answer your question directly?

Beau - Not really thinking about contacting OM as he has enough problems. If my W doesn't keep to her promise of NC - she's broken it several times already - I probably will ask OM's W to lunch.

Thats ok, Comanche, don't worry about. I didn't mean to put you on the spot! Sorry!

Commance,
I saw your post and want to respond but I need to go.

Here is a short cut to a thread where I answered similar questions that Hurting DL had.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003705

I'll respond more later

CWMAC - thanks for the link. I read the entire thread and found some very helpful information there.

I guess I'd like to change the language of the question to hear from some WS's.

WS's, did you admit to an EA and later reveal the truth that it was both EA/PA? Why? What was your experience?

Thanks again.

^^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Commanche,
If you think your W is holding back on full disclosure, I would suggest that you invest in two books: Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and Glass's "Not Just Friends." My recollection is that both of these books suggest as much disclosure (at least as much as one can stand) as soon in the discovery phase as possible. The reason for this is that trust can be restored sooner once the truth is out. If the truth comes out in drips and drabs, it harms the recovery because each new piece of truth may take the BS right back to DDay. Harley says in his book and on this site that he believes that additional discoveries from the A sets recovery back nearly to square one. The length and number of A's also plays into it.

In my own case, my W finally admitted that her "special friend" was indeed an EA back in Spring '02. She only did this after being confronted with irrefutable evidence of an EA. In addition she read portions of "Not Just Friends" that I had suggested. We started our recovery for about a year until subconsciously (according to MC) I started backsliding on my Plan A and the recovery. My MC thinks this was because I had enough circumstantial evidence of a PA. Finally my W has admitted that the A was physical. She says it was one time eventhough there was oppurtunity for more occassions. This revelation was 18 months after the 1st DDay. Recovery, although still continuing, has been put back. My W said that she lied about the PA because she thought it would end the M. In hindsight,she wishes that she had told me all the info at once, because we would be into our second year of recovery not just 3 months into it. She also had to put up with all of the questions for a second time. Oh well she did it to herself.

In hind sight I was the typical nervous, anxious BS that preached the MB principles to a S who was in the fog.
Something that may help you: I would tell your W that regardless of the information revealed you have no intention of ending the M. You can also tell her that you want recovery to start in earnest and not be short circuited by further revelations down the road.

A few questions that may assist MB veterans in helping you:
How has your W responded to DDay? Does she show remorse and empathy for your hurt?
Has she ended all contact w/ OM? NC letter?
Is she forthcoming in answering all of your questions?

I'll search for your thread history because these and more questions may already be answered.

By the way MC is always a good idea. Disclaimer for the benefit of WH, Howdoyoudo.

cwmac

Commanche,
I didn't see other posts so you may want to give a quick background on your situation.

Also IMHO I wouldn't contact the OM. He has no interest in helping you. I would however contact the OM'sW and tell her what has been going on.

Commanche,
Here is another link that discussed reasons to contact OM'sW and how to do it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=012634#000001

Also I missed a portion of one of your previous posts. You said,,,,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not really thinking about contacting OM as he has enough problems. If my W doesn't keep to her promise of NC - she's broken it several times already - I probably will ask OM's W to lunch.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your W has broken the NC rule several times, I wouldn't hesitate any further to contact OM'S. You need her as your ally in NC. Once she knows about it the OM will find it very difficult. Has your W broken NC or has OM?

Read the enclosed thread.

cwmac

^^^^^ bump