Husband has a pattern of fighting on the weekends, we spend the first part of our weekends together angry, silent and apart. What does this mean? What can be done to resolve this problem?

myrrh

It takes 1 to start a fight and 2 to keep it going.

If he starts stuff, walk away. Ask him if he'd like some midol. (JK.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )


L.

Ironically early in recovery we always had or worse moments on Monday so I can't help you.

But if its over nothing its a sign there is still alot of tension, anger and distrust between you two.

It should ease off over time much like others emotions you go thru after and affair.

It isn't just after an affair.
Unfortunately we have 23 years of bad marriage.

I have heard or read somewhere, that people sometimes fight before a long trip (separation) as a way of easing the time apart. What I couldn't understand was why when we finally do get time together he provokes a fight.

myrrh

Orchid - thank you for your humor!!!! it actually lightens the load a little.

myrrh

myrrh-

The one thought that comes to my mind is that there might be a fear of intimacy there between you two.

It's so much easier to keep a fight going than to let the walls down and allow someone to see the "real" issues that the anger and pain cover.

You might want to give it some thoight and start keeping a journal about the content of the fighting. Is there a pattern or is it just random nonsense. Once you start seeing a pattern, you may find a red herring that will allow you to find some small solution.

Just my thoughts...

Hope it leads you to some answers.

God-within-Kily

I think you have hit the nail on the head, I am going to give this a lot of thought!

myrrh

myrrh---within may be on to something.

There is a category of affairs called intimacy avoidance affairs.

Might be worth reading up on.

Where do I find information on this to read it?

I also asked my daughter about it today, she is 25... and married. She suggested it was his way of reestablishing dominance in the household for the weekend. I thought that also had merit.

He has been told by a councilor (durning previous marriage) that he had an alcoholic personality. Not suggesting that he would drink, or that he did drink, but that he had the same personality traits of a person who was an alcoholic. I used to mentally brush it off (he would bring it up scoffing) knowing he didn't drink, and thinking that is what was meant. But after reading the description of an alcoholic personality (i.e. non-accountability, deception, dishonesty, etc) I understood what they had meant about it. I feel foolish having waited 23 years to look it up.

Everything an alcoholic personality is... we discussed before marriage. We agreed honesty was THE most important issue between a couple.

About a month ago, during a discussion I had with him, he confessed (with condenscension)that he "sold me a false bill of goods, and I bought them".

I am often confused by the things he says. I think he meant this in sincerity, and yet was disgusted that I believed him. But felt slightly ashamed he hadn't been the man he would like to think he was.

myrrh

Tonight, I told my WH that the three most common words out of my H's mouth for the past several years have been, "Leave me alone." He corrected me and said they were "F...you."

What I have found is that a fight started at the beginning of the weekend can result in no time being spent together all weekend -- the desired result by the person starting the fight.

During the week, there is work that is a welcome relief. On the weekend, all it takes is a fight at the right time to justify "Leave me alone."

Myrrh:
Please understand that YOU cannot change HIM. No matter what the reasoning behind the fights are.

YOU can only change YOU. He will change when he wants to change. What will bring about those changes, I don't know.

My H has done a total about face since the A. We used to fight on the weekends and like Broken Arm, we both just wanted to be left alone.

When we filled out the EN and LB questionnaires, I think the light really went off in his head about how he was treating me.

It took some time, and we both had to change some but now, after a year, we find a lot to talk about in the evenings, at lunch and on the weekends and we enjoy being together. It's really nice.

That's what worked for me - I hope you find something that works for you. You married a nice guy - where did he go?

DB