My wife and I met when a friend set us up together . Everyone I had asked out before her said no. She fell in love with me fast. I felt she was nothing special but we could get on ok so I moved in with her. 7 years later everyone was wondering why we were not married ( answer because I felt it was not right ) so we got married. That was two years ago. We get on ok but I never feel I can truly get close and confide all my thonghts. Then it happened . I got closer and closer to someone in the office. I felt I really could share my feelings with her. Two months ago she ended it and she is now with someone else. The nearest physically it got was two kisses but I was so in love with her. I felt so close to her. The big problem now is that I know what love I had been missing out on with my wife now. Do I stay where I am and always feel something is missing or do I devastate my wife and leave her to hit the singles scene to see if I can really find my soul mate ? Any advice welcome.

Man in a mess, you picked a good name for yourself. First off, let's start with some basics. Read the things on this site with great care.

Secondly, understand that you ARE in a mess and that there is no painless path back out of it.

If you look at what you said, you said that you feel that you're unable to open up to your wife. That's not your wife's problem, it's yours, and you need to address it.

Going out into the "singles" scene isn't going to address it. It's going to put off addressing it and in all likelihood will make your life much worse in the long run.

So.... now's the time to sit down with your wife and, calmly, courteously, and respectfully explain what you've done. Do I think you should figure out how to be a successful husband? Yes I do.

Your wife will have to decide whether she's willing to work on being a successful wife with someone who's been dishonest for years and who has now had an affair. Do I think she should? Yes I do.

I had a good friend who said things much like you're saying -- that he couldn't be honest and open with his wife. What did that lead to? It led to an emotional affair (with me), the end of his marriage, physical affairs (with me and various others), and a new marriage with exactly the same problems as the old one. And now two lovely children and a wife who is innocent of any wrong except that she doesn't know how to create an environment that's safe for him to express himself in, and he's refused to tell her.

I'm not in contact with him anymore, but I have to say that I see little hope for his marriage unless he changes his actions and behaviors. I hope that you're better able to do it than he is. I really, really do.

Your wife is your soul mate. You just haven't figured that out yet. Your emotional needs are not being met by her and probably hers aren't being met by you. Marriage is work and most of us don't understand that. If you want a great marriage, get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. These books explain what it takes to have a great marriage and find your soul mate within your spouse. When both of you meet each others needs as outlined by these books, you will experience what true love is all about....