Yay,

It seems to me he is acting accordingly to this hellish roller coaster where on. Believe me I am no expert, but I read.....and read so much on this site and every book I can get my hands on and I've learned or better yet I'm learning these FOG patterns. God only knows our torment, but I’m still trying to learn the whys. I have so many WHY’S. I purchased a book called IN THE MEANTIME by Iyanla Vanzant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . It's teaching me about ME, what I am to do with ME, why maybe why some things are happening and learning to leave a lot to a higher power.

You know everyone’s right. You have to do the best Plan A you can possibly do, IF you want this to work. IF he is still seeing OW you don't know right now and a PLAN A is about meeting the needs she can't meet, right? Gosh I hope that's right, I think I did a horrible plan a because I was SOOOOOOOO hurt, angry, sad and disgusted?!?!? I’m doing a worse plan B, so I guess until you live it day in and day out we don’t know what we are going to do and how we are going to do it or get through it!

OK, I think I rambled on and didn't help, sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

I guess I meant to say, don't look into what he is doing and just focus on doing the best plan A possible. I think sometimes our WS are so sure we are here that they think they can take there old sweet time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ?

Just some thought?

Marilyn

I am going through the same thing right now (except no children). I agree with all of the responses you've received, so far, but my suggestion is to try and get your H to read some of the material on this site and/or Harley's books. After reading almost everything on the MB site, I went out and bought His Needs, Her Needs. I'm in the process of reading it now and it has been extremely comforting to me just knowing how many other people out there can relate to what I've been going through and the extents I have gone to in order to save my marriage to someone who just keeps lieing to me. Sometimes I just feel like a complete FOOL! I know that he loves me and is trying to do the right thing, but he hasn't done enough, yet, because even though he's not seeing her or sleeping with her, he still talks to her on his cell phone whenever I'm not around. Whenever I confront him about his lies, he gets defensive and, somehow, I end up feeling like I am partly to blame or I am causing more problems by checking up on him to see if he is still lieing to me - which he is. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and we had had another fight the night before. So we decided to cancel all plans with family members due to our marital situation. Nevertheless, I went all out to suprise him with a very special Thanksgiving dinner, just for the two of us. He was very appreciative and we talked a bit more about the A and the OW. He told me that he just couldn't go on like this anymore, so he wasn't seeing her or talking to her anymore. After he went to bed, I checked his cell phone messages and found out that he had been calling her all day and all week. I confronted him again and right now he's looking for a place to stay. He feels bad, said he's sorry, but understands that I need him to leave until he figures out what he wants to do about it. I'm trying to get him to read what I have been reading from this site - it could help him, too. He read some of it this morning and just called and said that he wants to read more. So, that's what I reccommend to you. Get your H to do some reading. If he cares enough, he will, and he'll be amazed at how it can help him with his own cloud. Meanwhile, I'm trying to do the same.
Good Luck!

Thanks to all who have contributed,

The story continues pretty much the same. He was unable to see the children for 2 days due to their schedules and this drove him crazy. I took them to his mothers house once they were free. His parents were very nice to me and they insisted I stay for dinner as well. The kids wanted me to stay as well, so I did stay for about 2 hours after which I took the kids and came back home. There was very little conversation between me and WH. However I do not think that I should be the one to feel timid in such circumstances since it is him who is misbehaving. The irreconciliable differences he talks about do not exist in my opinion. We have been married for 17 years and we have not had very many major arguments. Quite to the contrary we are known in our society as a very good match and a happily married couple. These are his efforts to try to divert the subject from his A. He is always trying to find something wrong with me or express his unhappiness. As it stands now, he is unable to file a divorce case under our law, if it comes to that I am the partner who may file the case. So he cannot divorce me unless I want to. His views seems to be constantly changing by the week. I think I will just wait and see what the coming weeks will bring.

Yesterday it was WH's birthday. Mother in law insisted I go for dinner as well with the kids. Kids wanted me to go a lot. So I went. The evening went well. WH made special effort to sit next to me. We didn't speak much to each other. He told the kids he was travelling to the city where he has regular business early tomorrow morning. Also the city of OW. He told them he would be spending one night there. He hasn't been for about 2 and a half months. This is making me feel terrible. He has not called me or told me anything about this. He didn't drop by this evening either. He came to see the kids at lunch time when I was not around. He called D in the evening but did not ask about me at all. I feel he is definitely going to OW and like he has made his choice. Yet I know I must not break down and I must keep my cool and be patient. I cannot rush into any decision nor can I really predict how long or how far WH will carry this. I just hope he doesn't decide to stay away permanently.

I know it's tough. I wrote to you last week under the name of DDP, but as you can see, I have changed it. Read my recent posts, and you'll see what has happened to me, since my last message to you. I wish I could help you... We're kindo of in the same boat...Waiting to see what happens next. At least, maybe it will help to know that you're not alone. Meanwhile, try to stay strong and find something better to get your mind on.

Keeping the faith,

My WH has gone on his business trip. I have not seen or spoken to him since yesterday morning. He has been calling the kids during the daytime from his office. He has asked them how I was and what I was doing. He has not called in the evening and I do not expect him to for he probably will be meeting OW. &#305; am feeling awful, just thinking about it. He returns tomorrow evening. I just wish he came to a sound conclusion sometime soon and stopped messing about with OW.

Even though we're supposed to be patient and stick to "Plan A", it makes you wonder how you're going to make it through the day. We can't concentrate on anything and find ourselves staring at the walls. Most of the time, I can barely even function. Just remember what they say...most marriages recover and as long as we do our best to do as they say, we'll recover, too.

I am thinking to myself; he is doing nothing now that he wasn't when we were together and I didn't know about it. I hope he feels worse now that his A is exposed and even his children know where he is and what he is doing. &#305; wasn't expecting him to call me or anything, I just have to be patient and strong. He has two teenage kids, he is not the bravest man around, he doesn't want to fight in court over a divorce case, I do and have provided him with a lot which the OW cannot possibly give him, OW is older than me and has children from previous marriage, OW has been in and out of As as well. I can't see how WH can possibly jeopardize this family unless he has really lost all logic. But then again WSs are known to be completely senseless.

Please, please, please read about Plan A and Plan B.

Right now you are in neither. Plan A and Plan B are very well defined, and very different from each and are meant to be used in the EXACT situation you're in now. Right now you are doing a little of both...and neither plan are you doing service.

If you need help with implementing either plan, ask...there is a wealth of info on this site and with folks on here...

I'm not sure whether I need to be in plan A or plan B right now. I feel like if I plan A now, I will be making everything easy for him and giving him a real convenient situation. If I plan B I may push him away completely. He hasn't called to see if the kids are allright today yet. He must be busy with OW. This is my assumption. A shortwhile ago he sent me a text message asking if we were ok, and if we needed anything. I think I have done a lot for this man throughout all the years and I really do believe that I don't deserve this sort of behaviour. So now I find it difficult to be that nice to him. I am very civil with him and he knows very well that I will talk to him, but he also knows that I will not accept his immoral behaviour at all. This is where the problem is; he wants to have the best of both worlds. I think this separation period is for him to realize that its either one or the other and he has to make a choice eventually. That is where he is struggling. If he makes one positive step forward he will receive one from this side as well. I feel I do not want to look as though I am begging because then I will lose my self respect and he will not stop his A.