I am going to tell my wife about my emotional affair which was ended by the other woman two months ago. We have a counselling appointment booked soon. Our first full length one. My wife knows the marriage is in trouble but not how badly. My question is which is the way to tell her that is best for her. ( I know no way is good ). Should I tell her now before the counselling appointment or during our first session? Have any victims any suggestions on how they would have preferred to have been told?

Dear Torn:
Good for you!!! and Good Luck to you.

I was told about the ONS and I found out about the A. We've never done counseling.

I would rather be told and then handed the book "Surviving an Affair" and then both read it together.

Do a NC letter and give it to your wife after you tell her. You can find an example of the NC letter in the Basic Concepts section.

Oh, and give your wife the web address of MB. She's gonna need it!
DB

th644, depends on how long until your appointment. My H told me of his A and I was glad he did. Don't know if I would have wanted to hear it in counseling or not. He just told me one night.

If your W works, I would not tell her if she has to work the next day. Be prepared for her to ask MANY questions, yell, cry, throw up, etc. Be calm. Tell her honestly the answers to her questions. If you truly want to save your marriage, you owe it to her to answer them.

I had always said that if my H had an A, I would divorce him. Well, I did exactly the opposite when he told me. For one thing, I admired his courage to be honest with me. He could have continued with it without my knowledge. When he told me, though, I found myself more in love with him than I had ever been. It was as if now that I was faced with the fact that he may be out of my life, I couldn't bear to live with that. Since that day, I have thought of him constantly and know that he is the one I want forever.

So I guess I'm saying you may be surprised by your wife's reaction. She may be stronger than you think. Hold her and tell her you love her (if you do). That is what she needs to know the most right now.

Keep us posted. We're here to listen...

If I were you, I'd definitely tell her before the counseling session. I'm sure counseling will be difficult by itself, but to have a major bomb like that dropped in addition will be that much more difficult.

I would have given my WW so much more credit if she had at least come to me instead of me finding out via email. That and she never truly attempted to reconcile the M afterwards.

Hats off to you though for being a man, knowing where you went wrong and admitting it and going to counseling to try to fix things.

I pray your M will only be stronger because of it!

Thank you. I will tell her before counselling. that is what I thought would be best but a friend I confided in told me to wait until the counselling so I needed to check he was wrong. Hell she cried enough when I told her i felt there were problems with the marriage ( is still crying all the time ) I dread to think how bad it will be when I tell her the rest. I guess telling is the right thing, the EA being the wrong thing. I will wait until the weekend when she does not have to in to work. What a mess. What a mess.

Bless your heart for being considerate enough to tell her the truth. That takes alot of balls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tornheart644:
<strong> My wife knows the marriage is in trouble but not how badly. My question is which is the way to tell her that is best for her. ( I know no way is good ).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are going to be very surprised about how much she probably knows. If your marriage is in that much trouble, do you really believe she doesn't suspect anything?

Like the others have said, it shows a lot of character on your part to tell her. I might also like to add that this OW deserves some credit for ending it as well.

Bravo!

You have my respect and admiration. Far too many would sweep it under the rug, especially since it is now "history." History, however, defines who we are, and in this case, it's something we want to prevent from happening again.

I wish my WS had had the cojones to tell me...I had to discover it after a lot of detective work on my part.

Now...as to the telling. I would prefer to be told in the privacy of my home, before the counseling session. Why? Even though it would be hard for me to hear, in the end I would have more respect for my spouse for not trying to hide behind the cloak of the counselor in announcing the behavior.

You have received good advice about not telling her the night before work. She will probably get little sleep that night and be totally ineffective and unfocused the next day.

But again, Bully for you! Upfront honesty is something that will (eventually, when she looks back) make a deposit on your behalf in her Love Bank.

Good Luck!

*S*

'always' , you are quite right about the OW. If she had not have ended it things might have been much further gone by now. We kissed a few times, but we both knew it was wrong so it never became a PA. I was so in love with her, I did not want it to end at all. I have only just stopped crying over her. What it did was make me realise was that the concerns I had had for years about our marriage just had to be got out into the open and sorted out. I had been feeling things were not right for so long and saying nothing. I knew after the affair I could not just let it go by or the problems will still be there. I am hoping that after the counselling and the telling to my wife, either the marriage will be stronger or we will know it has to end. I am just hoping the bringing out into the open of concerns I have had for years may mean this business has sorted things out I should have sorted long ago.

You may find this link helpful.

Stilltogether's advice on how to tell spouse

I known this will be hard, but you are doing the right thing.

SS

Thanks for the link ! Three days to go . . . looks like i am following the advice in the link by having the counselling appointment lined up. I will let you know how it goes !

Torn,

Do yourself a big favor and tell her before your appointment. Not only may you be surprised to find out that she suspects something, for all you know, she is already aware of the A. You would be surprised to find out what suspicion does to people. I was searching my H wallet, closet, drawers and anything else I could get my hands on. Around the time I found out, I was looking for an investigator near his job to follow him around.

It is better coming from you. I found out by listening to H's messages and heard another woman telling him how she is so in love with him and that "the person that he is living with (me)" is all wrong for him. Trust me, you don't want her to accidently find out. That day was very ugly and will be etched in my mind forever (not that telling yourself won't), but I would rather have been told.

This way she will be able to prepare a bit for your first session. Good luck.

Tornheart - how long did the EA last? What drove the OW to end it? Was she married too?

I wish you the best with this disclosure. You are doing the right thing.

Add my vote to the "doing the right thing" column. I found out by hearing my H tell OW "I love you" on the phone, and I have been begging for honest disclosures ever since. Had my H approached me with the disclosure and an honest effort to establish NC and work on the marriage, I would have been spared two years of hell.

No matter how hard the confession is, I truly believe that your openness and honesty will speed recovery considerably. Just be patient, and take your beatin' like a man! You are certainly taking respnsibility like one...

All the best <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> --DT

comanche. The other woman was a betrayed spouse herself, her husband having left her five years ago for another woman. She felt as bad about the EA as I did as she had previously been a victim. Neither of us planned it or could believe what we were doing. We just got closer and closer having worked together. She ended it when someone single asked her out. She is still with him now. I have no children. It lasted four months. I do not want to sweep it under the carpet because I have had big concerns about my marriage for many years but have not been addressing them. I do not want to betray my wife again so the marriage must be fixed now or if that cannot be done then stopped now before any other women are on the scene. I plan to tell her on saturday when she has no work. ( gosh I hope I am not worrying too many website readers out there wondering if I am your husband. I do not think she looks here but who knows.) Perhaps as you say I might be the one to be surprised on saturday. I never thought I would ever be in this sort of mess, I really didnt. ( And I realise all too well my wife will be in a much bigger mess and it is all my fault, I know, and I do feel bad. )

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Tornheart644 ]</small>

Well, I have done the telling. Thank you all for your advice as it was all pretty much correct. You were quite right, the first thing she said was that " I knew there was something like that. I knew you had something you were hiding." She was actually less tearful than I thought. In fact the only person who cried was me ! She was angry though saying she wanted to go and smash the other womans face in , who can blame her I guess. She said she was glad I had not waited until the counselling session so you were right there too. She also said that if it had been an affair involving sex she would have left me that instant. I know I have done the right thing in telling and now we can work to see if things can be fixed. If any of you folks in affairs are wondering whether to tell, do it . It really is the right thing ( at least im saying that so far! ).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tornheart644:
<strong> comanche. The other woman was a betrayed spouse herself, her husband having left her five years ago for another woman. She felt as bad about the EA as I did as she had previously been a victim. Neither of us planned it or could believe what we were doing. We just got closer and closer having worked together. She ended it when someone single asked her out. She is still with him now. I have no children. It lasted four months. I do not want to sweep it under the carpet because I have had big concerns about my marriage for many years but have not been addressing them. I do not want to betray my wife again so the marriage must be fixed now or if that cannot be done then stopped now before any other women are on the scene. I plan to tell her on saturday when she has no work. ( gosh I hope I am not worrying too many website readers out there wondering if I am your husband. I do not think she looks here but who knows.) Perhaps as you say I might be the one to be surprised on saturday. I never thought I would ever be in this sort of mess, I really didnt. ( And I realise all too well my wife will be in a much bigger mess and it is all my fault, I know, and I do feel bad. ) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Torn ~ Add my vote to those above that feel a great deal of admiration and respect for you. YOU da man!!!

It takes a REAL man to admit he's wrong & set about to fix it with dignity and honor. It takes a REAL man to deliver the message with kindness and tenderness fully aware she may go ballistic on you.

But, sounds to me like you've got JUST what it takes.

Did I tell you that I admire you!??! NOT for the EA. But for the way you want to work on you and the marriage, and handle your dear betrayed wife with the utmost of respect and care.

If you haven't done so already, please point her to this site, or start printing things out for her to read if she is not computer-comfy.

It sounds like there are things both of you need to work on to re-commit to your marriage, and the concepts and techniques detailed here (and in the book His Needs, Her Needs) can benefit you so tremendously as you try to improve your relationship.

Thank you for being a REAL MAN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

From one FWS who confessed to another....let me just give you my utmost congratulations on doing the right thing. You have earned many people's respect.