My husband left (after I asked him to) two and half months ago and moved in with his OW (also married with small children). He tried to come back to us over the weekend, but barely lasted over 24 hours and went right back to her.

This time, I am much more ANGRY than before, and my "flight" response is high. I just want to take the kids and run to my family. While they are actually quite understanding of the situation (obviously, my husband is "crazy" at the moment), they are more than ready for the three to come stay with them. (My sons are 3 and 6).

I am just afraid that going so far away for an extended period of time will jeopardize my legal case. I have not filed for divorce, just custody and support. If I am with my family, I will be unable to attend any mediation sessions, and we have a court date in early January. If we haven't mediated ourselves to a resolution, the judge will decide the custody and support issues at that time.

I want to go. The question is: is that a good idea? When? Now, and stay until early January? Now, and stay indefinitely? Wait until late Dec (when we were going to go anyway, for the holidays), then stay?

Then there are the emotional consequences. I'd love to see my husband follow us across the country, but... he is so weak, that I just do not see it happening.

We are in financial straits too. This could be resolved if we sold our house, but if we sell before 12/04, then we will be hit with hefty taxes.

Anyway... any advice? I am so confused.

Thank you.

Totally love your name! If I find one, I'll send you one, too.

We need more information. Are you going through the divorce process now? How long have you been married? Are OW and H divorcing? Give us a few relationship details. How long have you been reading here? Have you read the concepts and Q&A sections?

I wouldn't leave the house. Stay put! He is already out of the house, so you don't have to worry about love busting around him.

Fill us in and more people will respond.

I agree. Stay put and don't let him come back. If he finally agrees to leave OW for good, ask him to move to a temporary location w/out OW and come to an agreement on the amount of time for him to stay at temp location before you let him back in the house (if you will want him back by then).

<< We need more information. Are you going through the divorce process now? How long have you been married? Are OW and H divorcing? Give us a few relationship details. How long have you been reading here? Have you read the concepts and Q&A sections? >>

Thanks, Stung. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We are not going through the divorce process. I wrote up an agreement which would have become legal had he signed it, but... he said he would, then he said he wouldn't, then he said he wanted to take it to a lawyer and have the lawyer come up with something. Six weeks later, he hadn't said another word about it, so I went ahead and petitioned for custody and child/spousal support. This process requires attending a mediation session before the court date - the court prefers that we work things out for ourselves, as do we. I am sure we will be able to resolve things ourselves. We have completed meditation orientation, and will start real mediation in mid-December. Our court date is early January.

The OW and H have signed a separation agreement that will become their divorce decree in 12 months.

I've been reading here - articles included <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - for a few weeks off and on, as I can emotionally handle it.

Relationship details: got together Christmastime in 1996, bought a house in August 1997, had a son in September 1997, married in September 1998, had another son in January 2000.

Personality details: I'm the communicator, and always looking at the big picture: "Where are we going in life? How do we get there? Let's do it!" He flies low on the radar. As long as he's included on the "big" decisions, he's happy to let me do the rest, particularly as a stay-at-home-mom. He would be happy as a stay-at-home-dad. He is the first to admit that he is a totally different person at work, however - he is the guy that gets it done at work, very much in charge.

The two personalities worked very well at first - our strengths and weaknesses complemented each other greatly. But as time went on, we fell deeper and deeper into these roles until we resented each other for it. I became his "mother" and resented him for being "weak." And of course he hated that. He feels his OW really listens to him and they have a "deep emotional bond" etc.

I spoke to the OW yesterday for two hours. I told her that I felt my husband really needed time alone to work things out for himself and become truly his own person. She said no, basically. She can't let him go.

So... here we are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Thanks for the replies!

For what it is worth, I had a friend whose H wouldn't give up OW. She moved. That woke him up.

bh&a, did your friend have children? The reason I think she needs to stay in the house is because of the children. Ask HIM to be the one to leave if separation is the next step.

inaf, is OW your friend? How did you make contact with her and talk for 2 hours? She said she can't let him go ... for now. Maybe she'll think more since your talk and change her mind. You can always hope and pray. What's new with your situation? Anything? Can your parents come to you instead of you going to them??

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]</small>

Hi Stung.

No, the OW is not my friend, she is someone my husband met at work. When he was getting to know her, he'd say things like how he thought she and I would get along great. She and I have spoken twice since this started: the first time, when my husband and I were "reconciling", she called me to tell me that she wouldn't stand in the way. After he went back to her, I called her as described above.

We are not friends, but even we have said we can tell that had circumstances been different, we'd've been great friends. What is REALLY weird is that a part me feels the loss of that friendship that never was; strange huh? I don't have a whole lot of friends in this area, just a whole lot of in-laws. Wonderful and supportive as they are... you know.

I contacted her by calling her cell phone - the number is all over my husband's cell phone bill, so she knew I had it.

My parents cannot come to me, unfortunately. They still have three young children in their home, to which they have just moved and are still settling into.

What's new with the situation? Not much... I feel the need to make a plan, but my emotions undulate so much that I can't decide on one just yet. So, for now I am taking steps that will keep me home (other than the already planned Christmas visit), while still keeping my options open.

I'm wondering if it is time for Plan B for me?

We have financial issues to straighten out, and a separation agreement to mediate, not to mention the children... it'll be rough to have no contact at all. What do you think?

Is your H supporting you right now and will he continue to support you and the kids? Do you have an agreement for financial support already in place? If so, I'd suggest going in to plan B. I would not move. You are in your home and that is where you and your kids belong. Have you read the concepts on this site? Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? If you haven't done these things, that would be a good beginning. I'm new at this myself and this site and several books I've read have helped me tremendously. I have a long way to go, but it has been a good beginning for me. Keep posting and you will receive some good info here. We are here to support you so you don't need to go away from where you are. Stay put for now, get some good info and possibly go into plan B...

He is trying to support us, but we were skating the edge as it was, and now... with his $1000/month cell phone bills and other A-related expenses... we are in dire straits financially. He wants to sell the house, but if we sell before 1/05, we'll have to pay hefty taxes.

We will have official mediation in mid-December, but hope to have most of the issues already worked out between us by then.

He even wants to go Christmas shopping to buy things for the kids!! This shocks me for several reasons: a) until our attempted reconciliation, he barely spoke to me - the tension was extremely high, very cloak and dagger and b) we feel in love in 1996 while Christmas shopping and doing other holiday things together.

Part of me wants to try to recreate that, but I think what's more likely to happen is that I will be crying the whole time. Not holding hands down the shopping aisles. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am looking for "Surviving The Affair" as well as "After the Affair" which has also been recommended to me. I have also read "Affairs" which I found to be useful.

Now, if I could only get my WH to read this stuff!!

Well, the sage continues.

He visited today, and when we discussed dinner, he actually invited me along, which he's never done before. I declined, saying I didn't think that would be a good idea.

At the end of the night, we did some talking. I mentioned that I was planning on "pulling back" after he and I had cleared the air about the details of our separation. He seemed very disturbed about this. He doesn't understand why I would do that. He asked, "If you want me back so badly, why aren't you fighting for it?"

I asked him what exactly he wanted from me, and he said he wanted me to show him that the home he'd be coming back to is better than the home he left this summer - meaning I was a better wife now, instead of the depressed wreck I was before.

I said that I would NOT compete for my own husband.

He says that if I pull back from him, I'd be giving him no reason to come home, and every reason to stay where he is.

He's afraid of giving up the OW, because if he breaks up with her, there will be no going back to her... he says it's a lose/lose situation with him. And that the real "competition" is not between her and I, but between her and the kids. In other words, if he wants to come back at all, it's for the kids and not me.

<sigh>

Now what? I'm so confused...