I had previously posted about 4 weeks ago. I am 39, W 35 1/2 (and looks 5-7 years younger), M 9 years, no kids. She sat me down in April and told me she was unhappy, did not want kids, didn't feel I have ambition to better myself, was not generous enough, didn't value her opinion, did not respect her, etc. I suggested we go to MC but she does not believe in this. We talked several times after April which did not seem to get any better. She started cell phone contact with the OM after a business trip in late February. She has known him for a few years.

She has been involved (cell phone) with OM (out-of-state co-worker) for ~8 months. D-Day 10/11. She denied anything physical was happening, they were just friends, male confidant, etc. until we spoke on 10/27 where she basically shook her head, agreeing to the fact they were together one time, meeting in Chicago on a business trip in June. I know from a friend there have been other times they were together (cannot say they actually were in bed) but she has apparently pursued this OM who is 50, married and has 2 children and is not planning on leaving them. She told me it was over between them on 10/13. She swore up and down it was over, crying to me. She has never come clean and disclosed what has really happened and was asking me a month ago to trust her again as a "leap of faith." She never was very remorseful, she said she was sorry and cried a few times but it wasn't like she was ever begging for forgiveness. We do have issues: she does not want kids and has questioned our compatibility. She is the CAREER WOMAN, makes alot of cash, travels alot and enjoys meeting other people and gets alot out of her career which defines who she is. I make 1/3 less money and do not need to travel but enjoy my career. I do not necessarily have to have kids and have told her that but she does not believe me but I thought we would try at some point. She says she put up a wall a few years ago after I shut her out and she hasn't been herself since. However, she never told me how unhappy she was--we have been acting like everything was fine, travelling together, making love, visiting family, buying a new home, etc. Not once did she take my hand and tell me how unhappy she has been.

We were having a good time this past fall together. Our 9th anniversary was 10/1, went to Vegas, lots of physical contact, gifts, notes, emails, cards, etc. All along I had been monitoring cell phone calls and they were speaking almost daily, even several calls a day. Of course, they do have business to conduct. I had found 1 love note and 1 love card from him to her which I copied. I never told his W. Then D-Day. I caught her in a big lie last week...I had previously told her I understand you may need to talk w/OM because of work but I would like to know about it. Please tell me the truth and be honest. Well, I found out the OM was in our town last week and found the hotel he was staying in. This coincided with a business dinner my wife was planning on attending. She did not tell me he was going to be working with her and has been scared of me since I have been very emotional about us since D-Day. Anyway, I went to the hotel and found her car. There were other co-workers there. Apparently the OM saw me and called my W who then called me. She lied to me telling me she was at another hotel and I then found her in the lobby right where I was! I told her you are obviously still with him and walked away. She tried to call me but I would not speak with her until later that evening when she said she was scared and did not want to come home. She apparently then spent that nite at her girlfriend's home along with the OM who is apparently very concerned about me. I do not know if they "slept" together last week. But apparently my W is upset that he is not willing to leave his W/kids according to my friend. Then next morning she came home and we spoke. It came to a head, where she said she doesn't know if she is committed to us, doesn't think she is, etc. I then said I guess it's over and proceeded to move out of the bedroom. Later that day we started talking again where she indicated she would think about going to MC. I then moved back into the bedroom the next evening which ticked her off (why should I move out?). She then slept on the couch the next 3 evenings. We have not been physical for 3 weeks.

I left half the day Saturday and Sunday to be with friends, I really need to get busy. I was putting on silk boxer underwear and she commented those are not the kind of underwear to wear visiting friends, what's going on. Why be interested in this? Unless she is playing games with me.

I am just about ready to end this but I am not 100% behind a D. She says she wanted more control in our R and opened up her own checking account without telling me and moved her direct deposit check to this account. She said she is willing to pay the bills here and there and actually wrote out ~$1,300 in bills on Monday. We have talked about doing on-line banking together to try and manage things easier for both of us. She was upset I told a family member about her checking account and said to me she was not telling anything to her family until there is "zero hope". We spoke later that night about us which did not go very well. She then got up at 4:45 AM and came down to talk to me and asked whether I thought we were compatible. She says she shut herself down a few years ago and does not know whether she can make it back. I told her I thought we were starting to get closer again (which she agreed to last week). Now she says maybe I read into things too much.

What to do? I am trying to line up a meeting with a lawyer and certified financial D specialist.

I have also been reading Divorce Remedy and am trying to do the 180 (no phone calls). She left town for a one night stay and called me last night and this morning. She always seems interested to talk with me when she leaves. But there is little thought on her part to say I miss you, I love you, etc.

I am trying to save this but it seems she does not want this any longer. Any words of wisdom?

Your W is deeply in the fog and has all the traits of all the other cheaters - deceiving you and denying marriage to you is good. Start with Plan A, and be sure to let OM's W know what is going on. The A needs to come out into the light. She will be furious, but that is what is needed to end A. Good luck and keep posting, your marriage seems better than many.

Nature, sorry to see you here! But it's my opinion the principles covered here are your "best shot" at recovering your marriage.

1. Plan A - what emotional needs is OM meeting that you've failed to meet for her? how can you try to show her that you can meet those needs? you have to do it without being pushy - demonstrate personal change, pride, integrity, dedication and be the best you that you can be.

2. Plan B - after a period of Plan A, you'll reach the "end of your rope". You'll think more about being away from you W, than being with her. To protect your remaining love, you need to isolate yourself from her at this transition time, providing her with a well-written Plan B letter. There are examples floating around. You need to be serious about this - it could mean the end of your M. Often times, out of sight does equal out of mind - but with a good Plan A, it's far less likely. Plan B means cutting all contact with your W, although in some cases it's hard, especially with children. Plan B does not end until you receive assurances from your W that she will institute a solid recovery plan, including No Contact with the OM for life, or you decide that you no longer love your W enough to continue.

Plan A is often recommended for 6 months, Plan B for at least 18 months. Each individual is different, in terms of what you can tolerate. You'll know when you've reached the end of either.

Success rate? 100%... 100% confident you'll walk away with either a marriage that has a chance of recovery, or 100% confident you'll be in a position to start a new relationship with a "clean slate", knowing you did everything you could.

That's the nutshell... Others will have stuff to add.