Thanks, Lor. There are a some informal agreements, from months ago before he'd even moved out, when D casually came up after D-Day. The D word hasn't been mentioned since then.

I've drafted a reply to his chilly note. I've decided to respond to his coldness by being warm-blooded (even a little humorous) and friendly, suggesting that we work on this after the New Year, because it will be a drag to be doing all this at Christmastime. Besides, I've got a lot of work on my plate. I suggested if we want this process to be "smooth and uncontested," that might be the best way. (I'm implying that I don't want to contest things simply because I'm confused and they are being shovelled at me.)

I'm running the email draft reply through a friend who knows both of us. I trust her sense of diplomacy.

I need a little time to think and react. I haven't talked to lawyers, really. I don't see much point in dragging this on, but I do feel it's being shovelled through because of OW's return, and I don't wish to live my life around her. I think after the first reunion bliss this weekend, things will start getting rough pretty quickly. I'd rather talk about D, then, when there's less enthusiasm for it.

This is not a surprise -- I even anticipated him sending an email with "Divorce" as a subject heading, just like he did, and just such a chilly note. I must be physic! as they say.

How do I feel? It's a downer, but not too much of a downer, because not a surprise. I do feel that, way deep down there somewhere, he still loves me and knows he's making a mistake. I just can't believe he thinks things will work out with crazy OW. But nevertheless, when someone raises a gun and says they're going to shoot, you can't worry about his troubled childhood or blood pressure. I gotta move on this.

Can you believe I retired from MB only a few days ago, with a goodbye letter and all? Now this!

What the hey! Here is my draft reply:

Dear H,

My goodness! The inconvenience? Is that *all* you are apologizing for??? Rather a chilly note to announce your intentions, but I suppose it's to be expected! It's the chilly season -- which is rather to the point.

Why I can't say your email is a surprise, it does catch me a little off- guard. Would it be too much to ask for this to be postponed till after the holidays? It's a bit grim to be mulling over all this at Christmastime, and I have a substantial workload between now and then. I expect that there will be lots for us to sort out, and it would be unpleasant for us and the kids.

I'm sure both of us want this to roll through in a clean and uncontested fashion, and it would be better if I have a little time to think.

W.

Hmmmm.

These "informal agreements" you have. Are they in writing? Do you know if they are fully in your best interests? If the answer is no to either of these questions, I'd suggest you ignore any reference to prior agreements and make clear that your lawyer is interested in seeing their proposal.

After the holidays.

I guess I would also agree that the more time this takes, the better. And the very first step towards that is not answering his e-mail. Give yourself a week, then start looking for a lawyer. Don't answer his e-mail until you have a lawyer, and then let the lawyers do all the contact. Expensive? Sure, but it screens you quite effectively from your WH.

You don't think it would be wise to send something pleasant and friendly about postponing this till after the New Year? Voluntarily postponing it?

No there was nothing in writing, and I don't disagree with what was said back then, by and large. I'm willing to go through a divorce. I just want a little time to think this through.

My thinking is that this is all being driven by the frothy excitement about OW's return. After a few weeks, I think H and OW are going to hit rocky times again. I'd rather go through this then, rather than be whipped into a frenzy by OW. This is all important stuff -- more longlasting than I suspect OW will be.

And, after all, it is Christmas. Do we need to do this over Christmas? Plus I do have other things to do.

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Just had a long convo with Orchid. She says go silent. Don't respond to anything until I see something on paper.

Although H tends to be a "fair" person, she said, he's not doing this because he loves me and wants to be "fair." He's doing it because of the A.

She said it's not time to be nice now.

Being silent does go along with Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Orchid is a wise, wise lady. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> She said it's not time to be nice now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my country ... the WS will have to leave w/o anything to ammend the BS. But then we could have 7 wifes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

Not much to say but when comes to legal issues ... it is a war and you should nottaking into consideration on what he thinks or what he might thinks or it would ruin your chances to reconsile.

As you know, I had a chance to get 100% custody of my 2D and gave her visitation right only but I softened up and gave her more .... now I regeret it for my 2 D's shake.

-rh-

AM...

He's been playing on your sympathies for how long? It would be very nice if he suddenly developed the testicular fortitude to act like a man instead of a hamster but let's cut the crap.

It has been a long while. He is the one who shat himself, he needs to clean it up.

As to his note? I'd ignore it and wait to see something in writing from the attorney, then reply that you would like to see the informal agreements put to paper.

At this point, humor, sarcasm, concern etcetera are somewhat wasted. He likes attention, doesn't he? He is a little bit down and lonely because his wench is not around to praise him? I could be wrong but I do not think Hallmark has a section under "Sympathies on the trouble with your Mistress".

Yeah, I have been harsh on this hamster for a while for one good reason... from all you have said i think the only reasonable assumption is that he is not willing or not able to change. it has been a while and he has made no move to fix his mess - why should you extend him the courtesy of any attention? I know you WANT to believe he will grow a spine, pull his head out of his @ss and start acting like the man you once believed he was but it is time to take a hard look - was he that man or did you imagine him to be those things? Did he earn that?

I agree with you on not messing with it at Christmas time but do proceed as though the divorce is foregone conclusion - protect yourself emotionally and financially and make him do all of the work.

Maybe a short note "When I receive the papers along with a written agreement specifying what we have previously agreed upon I will review it and get back with your attorney".

He's sorry for the delay in getting you the papers? Puhhhleeeeeeez. Ok, now real harsh - when he sends a note that says he is sorry he has a problem with sticking his winkie into other women, then listen.

Meanwhile? live your life hon - he has shown no sign in a very long time that he is capable of being a productive part of your life.

Sorry to be harsh, but you asked and I have a feeling you know that he is not what you want and just maybe he never was - see him for what he is and for what he has been in your life, not for what you would have him be.

I still say you should go by the ASPCA and get a puppy - they are loyal, cute and worth the effort.

Hang in there, ignore [censored] until you have something to deal with - this note is not worth a response.

2oaK, many thanks. You've made my day, as always.