Day 7 in plan b and I was doing just fine, in fact felt better than I had in months.

Read WW E-mail to me (I read her e-mails but do not let her or kids know - mistake?)

Really pissed about me taking her off bank acct or credit card or something & says she told the kids of her affair and what a jerk I have been all these years. Says she may be moving home this week and I can either leave or stay.

I don't want her here unless she wants to reconcile but I don't think I can stop her from moving in. What do I do now. You can't do plan B living together. My copy of SAA is out on loan and I don't recall an example of this in plan b.

She wants to talk and has but I have been referring her to PBL. I guess I will call intemediary and see what she wants to talk about before I call her. Have been completely dark for whole week. I knew things were going to good for me.

Don't know what to do or what to expect. Any comments or advise or past experience - HELP!

Was dark. DD

Change the locks.

You won't even have to break Plan B to do that!

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by devastated_dad:

Really pissed about me taking her off bank acct or credit card or something & says she told the kids of her affair and what a jerk I have been all these years. Says she may be moving home this week and I can either leave or stay.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't beleive anything she tells you until you verify it. It sounds like she is trying to scare you into breaking your NC with her. Ignore her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want her here unless she wants to reconcile but I don't think I can stop her from moving in. What do I do now. You can't do plan B living together. My copy of SAA is out on loan and I don't recall an example of this in plan b.

She wants to talk and has but I have been referring her to PBL. I guess I will call intemediary and see what she wants to talk about before I call her. Have been completely dark for whole week. I knew things were going to good for me.

Don't know what to do or what to expect. Any comments or advise or past experience - HELP!

Was dark. DD</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go over to the Just Found Out forum and contact Cerri and ask her if filing a TRO against her is a good idea or not.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TRO - Temporary Restraining Order

TRO seems extreme to me. She may be moving home this week? Let's see. She told the kids of her A? Yeah, right. You went to PlanB to get a reaction. She is trying to bust your PlanB already. Do not move out under any circumstances. Let her know, through your agreed contact, that you do not want her home yet. Do not contact her personally. She is angry because she is beginning to see how her life is going to be now. Not pretty, is it? Stay dark. Stay strong.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: 23down ]</small>

Thank you for the input. I was starting to freak out.

Changing locks won't work. She will just come when the kids are here or break a window.

I ask Cerri about TRO - no response yet but will call my Atty tomorrow about same.

She did tell kids of affair (her version) and also told them confidential stuff between her and I that had nothing to do with this. I explained what she had really done to the kids (my version).

I will not move out under any circumstances.

I contacted our intermediary tonight and told her I would not talk to WW about anything until affair over. I did not say anything about her coming home because that would let her know I was reading her e-mails. I played dumb, which I now realize I have been for the last 14 months if not the last 22 years.

STAYIN' DARK. DD

You better make good your promise to consult with an attorney because it wouldn't surprise me if once she moves home she files a TRO against you to get you removed from your home. You need to be aware of your legal options to protect yourself and your kids from her attempts to manipulate things in her favor.

I still say, change the locks. If she breaks in a window, I believe you can have her arrested for B&E. If she comes when kids are home alone, she still can't move in quickly. You could move her back out when SHE's not there and lock her out. Or lock her out without moving her stuff.

Check with atty. But it seems like changing locks is a minimum and doable tomorrow.

Yep, I'm with everyone else on this one. You have a WW who is flipping out because you called her bluff. Be prepared for major weirdness. Stay dark and stay protected. Talk to an attorney. If she shows up, LEAVE.

And take the kids with you.

Put an overnight bag with a change of clothes for each member of the family in the back of the car.

Know where you're going to spend the night if she shows up and won't leave.

Know how you're going to get out of the house without her and WITH THE KIDS.

Know how to reach your attorney at all hours.

Have you got the idea yet?

All of this is in order to be prepared. You hope never to have to implement any of it, but you'd better think through your exits, just like in the case of a fire.

Hi DD

Read WW E-mail to me (I read her e-mails but do not let her or kids know - mistake?)

Yes it is. PlB is about protecting you, not about trying to manipulate her in any way, and you are not buffered and protected if you are reading her emails. You should be blocking them.

Really pissed about me taking her off bank acct or credit card or something & says she told the kids of her affair and what a jerk I have been all these years.

Yes, of course she is, you aren't enabling the affair and you are setting out boudaries that say if she is going to be with someone else then she doesn't get to enjoy the privelages of being married - such as being on the marital bank accounts.

Jerk all these years? Could be, I dunno, but that doesn't make having an affair ok. There are ethical ways to deal with a spouse who is a jerk, infidelity is not one of them. (Not saying you were - speaking hypothetically!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Says she may be moving home this week and I can either leave or stay.

Where is she now? And did you reply to this in any way?

I don't want her here unless she wants to reconcile but I don't think I can stop her from moving in.

That is the message I would send through your intermediary. "I'd love to talk about you coming home if the affair is over and you are willing to agree to never see or speak to him again. Until then I would ask that you respect my desire for no contact."

What do I do now. You can't do plan B living together. My copy of SAA is out on loan and I don't recall an example of this in plan b.

OH!! YESSSSSSS!!! You get the gold star, the smiley face and the A+++ of the year!!! You are absolutely correct, there is no such thing as PlB with contact. PlB is defined by no contact. Thank you for not making me have to rant and lecture on, "there's no such thing as a modified Plan B."

She wants to talk and has but I have been referring her to PBL. I guess I will call intemediary and see what she wants to talk about before I call her.

I wouldn't even do that. I would just send the statement I suggested above. No matter what she says she wants to talk about - I suspect it's an effort to see if you really mean the boundaries you set out in PlB or if she can break them down.

It's one thing to be the one who says they want out of the marriage. But even though she says it she has the safety net of you being there. When you do PlB it's a totally different energy. Suddenly there is a unease about you and what you are doing and what you want and if you are going to let her see if this new fling works out.

In junior high dynamics - you have become the dumper instead of the dumpee - and we all remember that no matter how much we wanted to get rid of a boyfriend or girlfriend that wasn't working out, we sure as heck didn't want to be the one to get dumped. Get it?


First off - don't respond to her directly.
Do it through your intermediary and add a statement that says her emails to you have been blocked as of today. (and then block them)

Next a TRO? I dunno.... has she done anything that warrants taking that step? Threatened you in any way? Check with your atty or county clerk's office and see if you can get one because she left the home and the kids. I would guess you can't, but check it out.

You can change the locks. In most states she would have the right to get a locksmith and change them back, but you can do that. If you do, I would let her know that in the email you send through your intermediary too.

And you can and should be prepared as J states above with a change of clothes and a plan for how you will take the kids and get out of the house if she shows up. I think the best thing to keep in mind in that scenario is that you want her to be the yelling and out of control one and you want to be the one to call 911 first. Don't let her call or you will be out of your home and possibly in jail. Men are not treated fairly in these situations.

I am out tomorrow and for the weekend. If you have more questions for me, come back to JFO and bump your thread there..... and then remember that I'm gone for a few days.

Best of luck,

C