^^bumping for an update^^

FF:

How goes it?

Faith,

It is going. I picked up kids from WH house on Sunday. We weren't even out of driveway and the kids were very emotionally frustrated. All the way home they argued, cried and were talking not so nice to eachother. Our S said he didn't want to go to dad's anymore (probably cuz he got yelled at for hitting his sister).

It took me a long time that night to get them calmed down. It was frustrating for me. My oldest D already missed her dad and was crying (OW's D still takes a lot of my D's time away from spending it w/her Dad and is also very bossy, and mean), my S was mad at his dad for yelling at him that weekend, and my youngest was just very quick to cry at anything anyone said or did.

I felt bad for all of them. They are so caught in the middle. My oldest D told me about an incident that occurred with OW's D that has me concerned.

I opened the kids x-mas gifts from them to me. WH emailed me next morning mentioning my offer to accompany me to D's dental apt. which is today. He said if I need him to go, let him know. I called him and said if he wants to come, then do so, but if he doesn't then at least be reachable by cellphone in case I have to get ahold of him. He said he would have his cell on.

I then brought up the fact that I do not know what exactly went on this past weekend, but told him of the kids emotional frustration that night. He said oh really, he said they had some issues w/OW's D, but are handling them. I said I have tried to encourage the kids to bring their concerns about the life at his house to him, but I did say that I'm concerned about that incident mentioned above and said I will bring issues to him directly when there is a safety concern as was this one.

He said he was made aware of the incident in a different way, but thanked me for bringing it to his attention.

That is about it. Just to let you know, I have tried to only surf this site once per day now, so that to allow myself to get done what needs getting done around here and other things.

Take care
FF

According to MB and for your own sanity, it's important for you to have a PLAN. Are you doing PLAN A or PLAN B ?

This sounds awful for your kids. I would be concerned about them being in that crazy-making environment. Isn't there anything that you can do about this so they don't have to go? Maybe your WH would be willing to visit them in your home while you go out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We weren't even out of driveway and the kids were very emotionally frustrated. All the way home they argued, cried and were talking not so nice to eachother. Our S said he didn't want to go to dad's anymore (probably cuz he got yelled at for hitting his sister).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well it could be the stress of the holidays, or the perhaps the situation is just becoming too much and they're starting to act out. What's your gut telling you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It took me a long time that night to get them calmed down. It was frustrating for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand. Regardless of whether you are in a plan A or B you will still have to have contact with him where the children are concerned.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I then brought up the fact that I do not know what exactly went on this past weekend, but told him of the kids emotional frustration that night. He said oh really, he said they had some issues w/OW's D, but are handling them. I said I have tried to encourage the kids to bring their concerns about the life at his house to him, but I did say that I'm concerned about that incident mentioned above and said I will bring issues to him directly when there is a safety concern as was this one.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow. I think you habdled this really well, and set a good boundary where he is concerned.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said he was made aware of the incident in a different way, but thanked me for bringing it to his attention. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh really! By whom?? OW??

I suspect everyone is telling their version of the truth, however reality is somewhere in between. If the children see that you and H increase your communication because of these types of incidents, they'll be encouraged to repeat the behaviors because it brings Mommy and Daddy together. In the same vein OW's daughter will continue to create upset because if she can get rid of your H, it will open the door for her father to move back home.

I don't know what to tell you. For sure the children are confused about the situation and their behaviors are potentially indicative of their confused feelings which they are unable to communicate. Perhaps some counseling is in order?? But if you are unwilling or unable to support your H in his relationship with OW, then it's going to be difficult to present a united parenting front with him to the children, so you still have a problem.

My suggestion....if you want to remain married to your H, then you need to tell him. Stop the proceeding which you filed, and send him notice. If he truly wants divorce, he will file. If you divorce, then you can tell children, but right now they are in limbo.

Does this make sense?

Thanks for the replies.

As you have noticed, I have been very busy and not getting the chance to reply in a timely manner.

I will however, answer what I can right now.

I am in a mixture of Plans A and B. I only have contact with WH during kid exchanges and children concerns.

WH heard different story from the OW's D. Then last night he asked our D and got the same story I told him about. He claims he will discuss this w/OW since he will not put his kids at risk like what happened. So we will see if he backs up what he says by his actions.

Mimi, there may be something I can do, but my attorney is aware of these things and has not said anything to preventing visitation. I could maybe have him spend the time here at my house, but I doubt he would do that.

WH said he is already catching hell from OW and her D for spending so much time w/his kids.

Faith, as far as putting a stop to the divorce, I have already tried this, but my attorney said in order for it to be stopped, both parties have to agree to it and H has not said he agrees or disagrees.

Well it could be the stress of the holidays, or the perhaps the situation is just becoming too much and they're starting to act out. What's your gut telling you?


My gut is telling me that my S is getting yelled at by his dad because the OW's D and possibly our D keep telling my H to keep our S out of OW's D's room while they play. Hope you catch that all.

Perhaps some counseling is in order?? But if you are unwilling or unable to support your H in his relationship with OW, then it's going to be difficult to present a united parenting front with him to the children, so you still have a problem.

I agree counseling may be necessary. I will be checking into this. WH and I talked about possibly working out more visitation for him since he misses the kids. Even though I explained to him politely that this is one of the consequences of the choices he has made, I did say that I will see what I can work out.

That's about it.
FF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WH said he is already catching hell from OW and her D for spending so much time w/his kids.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So it's starting. I suspect it will get worse before it gets better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Faith, as far as putting a stop to the divorce, I have already tried this, but my attorney said in order for it to be stopped, both parties have to agree to it and H has not said he agrees or disagrees.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry to hear this. Didn't you file the petition? I'm not an attorney, but normally you're allowed to withdraw a petition you've filed before you go before a judge. If not, you should be able to ask your attorney to issue a motion to stop the proceeding. Do you think H knows that you are serious about reconciliation?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My gut is telling me that my S is getting yelled at by his dad because the OW's D and possibly our D keep telling my H to keep our S out of OW's D's room while they play. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, that might be so, but what does this have to do with OW and D being upset with H spending too much time with his own children? IMHO, I think OW's D is playing a serios game of "Conquer and Divide" and OW in stupidly falling for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WH and I talked about possibly working out more visitation for him since he misses the kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wouldn't this make the current situation worse?
And if safety is an issue, I wouldn't even consider it.

Have you ever asked H if he's regretted his decision to move out and start another new relationship so soon? Have you asked him recently if he would reconsider his family and his choices and consider reconciliation?

Faith,

Good questions/comments.

Didn't you file the petition? Do you think H knows that you are serious about reconciliation?

Yes, I'm the one who filed; however right around the time we had that talk b/4 Turkey Day, his atty. filed his own petition. Yes, H knows that I still wish to reconcile.

but what does this have to do with OW and D being upset with H spending too much time with his own children? IMHO, I think OW's D is playing a serios game of "Conquer and Divide" and OW in stupidly falling for it.


I can't figure that one out either. This is just what H told me; whether he really is catching hell or not I don't know. I believe I have to agree with you on the game playing. I actually see a glimpse of it in my own oldest D at times with her attitude towards me and her sassy mouth.

Wouldn't this make the current situation worse? And if safety is a concern, I wouldn't even consider it.

Yes, you are correct, and I have made H clearly aware of my concerns. He wants more weekend overnights, and I said I just cannot agree to any more overnights with these issues going on. I have not agreed to anything for sure yet anyway, but you have reminded me what I need to adhere to for this boundary.


Have you ever asked H if he's regretted his decision to move out and start another new relationship so soon? Have you asked him recently if he would reconsider his family and his choices and consider reconciliation?

No, I don't believe I have ever actually asked H if he has regrets about the above. During our Turkey Day talk, I did hint at him if he thinks he could give us a chance, and he said "I just don't think I can." I did not actually come out and ask him to reconsider his family and choices and to restore the marriage. Nothing has been mentioned about reconciliation since then.

He did buy a bible for our D and said last night that he would like to look up a few things in it himself. I told him a few very thought provoking things, and he asked me "Then tell me this, was our marriage meant to break up?" I said no, God hates divorce and what I believe happened is Satan saw a weakness in him in this area and sent someone to prey on that weakness; and that God creates good from tragedies like this. He seemed enlightened a bit and a bit impressed with my answers.

I believe I gave H some things to mull over. Whether they penetrate the fog, only time and his actions will reveal this. I truly hope and continue to pray for him DAILY.

Thanks for replying. Take care.
FF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in a mixture of Plans A and B. I only have contact with WH during kid exchanges and children concerns.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.

I recommend that you follow the MB principles as closely as possible in order to be effective in recovering your marriage. What is your plan, FOREVER? It's either PLAN A or PLAN B-not a mixture. It seems to me that you are not only seeing him to switch the children. You are having a lot of conversation with him. Forever, it seems to be that you are enabling his A. Do you want it to end or continue. If you really want it to end and want to reconcile, I would recommend that you work towards going as DARK as possible and stop communicating with him. He is having his cake and eating it too. He has no motivation to stop this, FOREVER!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith, as far as putting a stop to the divorce, I have already tried this, but my attorney said in order for it to be stopped, both parties have to agree to it and H has not said he agrees or disagrees.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in the USA? You have no choice on whether you get a divorce or not? I don't buy this at all. I would check with another attorney.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH said he is already catching hell from OW and her D for spending so much time w/his kids.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! Your WH seems to really be playing mind games with you. Does he want you to be sorry for him? FOREVER, please step out of this drama. He's trying to get you to believe that this sick family situation that he created can be made OK. It never will be OK for your children or the OW's children to have to spend time together in that confusing situation. None of this is healthy for any of you.

HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPENDING ALL OF HIS TIME WITH HIS KIDS-AT HOME WITH THEM. HE IS NEVER SUPPOSED TO SPEND ANYTIME WITH HER KIDS. YOUR GOAL IS TO WORK TOWARDS HIM WRITING A NO CONTACT LETTER TELLING HER THAT HE NEVER WANT TO SEE HER OR HER KIDS AGAIN IN HIS LIFE. THAT IS THE POINT HERE, FOREVER. THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP!!!

I think he needs to hear that this situation that he is creating for you and your children is unacceptable to you and will not be tolerated much longer if you can help it.

It's your life but I sure feel for you and especially your children.

Your WH is being allowed to ruin too many lives.

Not a whole lot new here since my last post. My WH did submit his own petition to file for D the end of November I found out.

I am continuing to pursue primary physical custody of the kids with WH having liberal visitation. WH is not pleased with this at all. He is afraid that I will make plans quickly to move farther away, but I don't have any such plans at all for the time being anyway. I can't say never, but it is my desire to remain w/in 30 minutes of his residence to make visitation much easier to facilitate. I have told him I have no such plans, but he doesn't seem to believe me. What is your thoughts on primary vs. joint physical custody? I feel primary would be the best since his living w/OW and OW's D is unstable to say the least.

All for now. Thanks.
FF

Update:

Not a whole lot new. WH is still distant and cold. In reviewing the past few posts and replies, I would probably say that I am in a Plan A where I am being as gracious as I can while hoping for the best (recovery to begin someday), but am willing to go on w/o H if need be. I'm sure this doesn't make much sense, but I have realized that I cannot control the outcome so I have been trying to let go of the situation and putting it in God's hands.

So no matter what happens, I will be able to walk away with a clean conscience and a strong heart. Hope all is well with you all.

FF