I use a calling card on my home phone and I just called and there is NO WAY I can tell whether he called the O/W the other night when 5 min. was used while I played cards. Has anyone used any type of device that cannot be seen on the phone itself to record anything if he calls out or anything I can put in this truct seat to find out if he has another cell phone and is still commuting with the O/W. Private investigators want 50.00 an hr. and 35 cents a mile. Too steep for me but any help I can get will be of value. He said to me last night it is getting to him that I am making him call me as to where he is going when he does his extra jobs. He said " You don't know how it bothers me, almost to the point of nausea." " How would you feel if it bothers me so much one day, I just leave?" I told him he is only thinking about his feelings. He should consider how I feel after being cheated on, so knowing where he is and going, if he wasn't hiding anything should be no problem. That's why I think he is saying that, I totally believe he is still wanting his cake and eating it too, but I HAVE TO PROVE IT. So if anyone can help me find a device that works and will not let him know, let me know.....Thanks

You could buy a voice activated recorder, you know the small ones that people usually use for school or personal notes. Put it somewhere he wouldn't come across it if he happened to see the hiding spot.

I was tempted to do it and actually had one in place, but I pulled it out before it could be used.

Go to radio shack. There are many recorders that you can hook up to a phone jack and they are voice activated.

Find a phone jack in your house where you can plug in the device and hide the recorder. You can have long cords -- you just want to be discreet. The recorder will pick up the call regardless of which phone in the house is used.
In some states it is illegal to record phone conversations (consider that my disclosure!)

I would also buy a small voice activated recorder that you can leave in his truck. Unfortunately you may spend a lot of time listening to music if he listens to the radio <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Good luck lefty -- I think you should move forward with this!

Maybe it's just me.... but why would you wanna be with someone that you can't even trust for 5 min?? I mean there is no way that every one can account for every min of a 24 hr day.

If it was only that one time and it was only 5 min...

Also, I always say.. where there's a will there's a way and if he wants to see or talk to the OW, than he will.

However, now that you are aware of what could possibly happen, i don't think it could be hidden from you for too long and you will know soon enough.

Sorry if this sounds harsh... but me personally wouldn't want to be with someone who i could trust at all....

as far as home phone you can have every call even local (outgoing ) itemized . It comes in separate from phone bill from verison .

As far as calling card I belive i heard a PI can give you a list of the numbers called using that card and I think it is not exspensive.

As far as truck some one told me about a TEEN TRACKER that locates where the car is headed and you watch it on your PC .

I haven't found it yet so I don't know exact name .

Also I agree with FG alittle that you do need to trust alittle but I totally understand where your coming from . I also belive if its minamal they will get court everyone slips up at some time .

Good LUCK

Lefty,
Radio Shack is the ticket as mentioned above.

I don't know your whole story. So don't know if you are still needing to collect info to confront spouse or whether that time is past and your trying to spot check honesty. If its the former I say go for it because then after confrontation with irrefutable evidence you can see how H responds. Does he end A. Does he come clean on all info. If it's for spot checking truth just use it occaccionally so that trust can be restored.

FeelinGuilty said............

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe it's just me.... but why would you wanna be with someone that you can't even trust for 5 min?? I mean there is no way that every one can account for every min of a 24 hr day. .........Sorry if this sounds harsh... but me personally wouldn't want to be with someone who i could trust at all....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So your H shouldn't want to spend 5 min with you?? Your lucky your H doesn't feel this way.

You are being harsh. You obviously can't empathise with a BS who has continuously been lied to about the A whether past, present or future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FeelinGuilty:
<strong>Sorry if this sounds harsh... but me personally wouldn't want to be with someone who i could trust at all.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is harsh and not just sound harsh. Would you trust yourself when you lied and deceived your BH ?. Again and again ?. Aren't you greatful your BH still take you back after many A's ?. What if you advice your BH about your statement above should he leave ?.

In this case there are red flags and she needs help to prove it.

lefty:
Check some GPS devices, kindda of steep but you could put it in his trunk and it would log the coordinate and play it back for you.

Yes it is illegal to wiretap but you are not using it in the court and you can't.

watch out what you find out ... it would take major LB$ away.

-rh-

I totally believe he is still wanting his cake and eating it too, but I HAVE TO PROVE IT.
Wanting it is one thing but getting it is another. Also, why do you have to prove anything? If/when you do, he'll just get sneakier about it.

I recommend you call Jennifer Harley & go to Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FeelinGuilty:
<strong>

However, now that you are aware of what could possibly happen, i don't think it could be hidden from you for too long and you will know soon enough.

Sorry if this sounds harsh... but me personally wouldn't want to be with someone who i could trust at all.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">'

Feelingiulty, all we BS's here are with spouses that can't [or couldn't be] be trusted. That is WHY we are here. We know they are untrustworthy and have made the choice to give them a chance to reprove their trustworthiness. But part of learning to trust an untrustworthy person is VERIFYING their activities. That is what we signed on for when we agree to stay with them. Even so, it would pure folly to blindly trust ANY ONE, but MOST ESPECIALLY a WS.

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

6 min. were used last night while I was at cards. He said to my mom , I'm calling (our son), this is his house, his phone, she said why did he have to tell me he was calling him. I said probably because if I asked you did he make any phone calls you would tell me that he called our son. That's just a cover up. I called my son, he left a message on his answering machine, " I'll call you on your cell phone"--that takes 1 min., then he called him on his cell phone and my son said talked only about 1 min.-so that's 2 min. There are 4 min. still unaccounted for. I remember someone mentioning a phone card that will record where the calls go to. I think it was about 150.00. I think that's the cheapest wasy to go right now. Plus when I pulled up behine him yesterday and parked , he was in the cab of the truck and I would have bet he was talking on the cell phone. I wouldn't doubt if he has another one, its just finding it again. But you know what, I ask myself, "What if he is calling her." What am I going to do. Throw him out again?????? I was sick when I threw him out and especially when I knew he went to her house. Am I that weak that I can't bear to live without him???? It can't be any worse than I'm living now. But I really don't know if I would have the courage to say get out again. 35 yrs. with one person is alot, but I know I don't deserve to be treated and lied to like this if he is. That means he is going with me to the counselor these last 4 wekks and lying to him too???? That's bad. That is why I have to have proof. I just can't believe he would do this all over again after coming back from staying with her for 7 weeks. 3 of which she was away, so it is actually 4 weeks.... I would like to bug the truck too. I know when he goes somewhere else after work because I clock his milage. He uses my sons truck for work so if he comes straight home I know the milage. I've seem discrepencies there too. Thanks for letting me vent and getting me through this. It's nice to know someone is there.

150 is not the cheapest way to go. Radio Shack has more tha one recording device for 100 and less.

If you have a computer and a phone modem (it has to be a voice modem) there is a program called Modem Spy you can use to record phone conversations. You can get a free demo for 30 days at modemspy.com. I used it just to make sure my wife did call things off with her OM like she told me she did. She didn't. I used it for three days and I couldn't take any more, it isn't easy listening to your wife and her lover talk. Make sure you can stomach it before you use it. I almost ended up in a rubber room. Modem Spy

lefty, I truly feel for you. Not an easy thing to deal with, but you've heard it here more than once: you may not like to listen in on such a conversation. You'll feel worse for yourself, you'll think less of him, if thats possible, and dwell on pain that you don't need.

I believe like you, that its next to impossible to stand and watch them go to the Other when we stand up for our selves. But stand up for ourselves we must.

Can you accept that your H is lying, is a liar of habit by now aparently. For what ever reason, that is how he has decided to deal with you. Probably has some valiant notion in his head that he's protecting you from pain. The OW is on his mind, like an addiction. His actions will be quite predictable if that is the case. The truth will not roll off his lips, but a little may slip out here and there. H will start to feel easy about what he does, and then the truth will see the light of day.
Sorry to say so, if thats the way this is going. My wife decided that she should start seeing men on the side. I think she must of thought she was working on the cause of her depression. Me! Well I don't know how you go about that without brewing a batch of dishonesty.

With spying we end up carrying some guilt because it can be an obsession and carried on too long. Resentment could be the result. It can be a LBust going one way then back at you. You will see and hear stuff you'll wish you hadn't.

But I think more information will come from how you feel about his actions when hes with you.
Start thinking now about:
How you will react if you decide, you have seen enough
What you are going to put up with.
What will you need to function alone for two years?
Honesty is such a big thing with you.

Me too!
But my W lies to me all the time,and has since we were very early in our 20 year marriage.
I have made the decision to forgive her lies and actions manty times. Finally, I have told my wife that she must go if she can't be honest, or faithful. I almost gave her a choice and said pick one and try, It'll feel so good, I'll forget the other. She is very mad that I would tell her to go. Three weeks now and she is talking like shes never coming home.

You wont have to harrass yourself (yes yourself) with $$$, time, and pain of discovery, because you will know when things start to turn around one way or the other. To know what is going on wont require gadgets, accounts, or planning. Just step back a little and watch how he is reacting to your Plan A stuff. Expect dishonesty for now. Be as patient as you possibly can. You will know in time.

Maybe even act, reasonable convinceingly, like you believe everything he says during that time. He'll be unnerved, will think somethings up and react a little differently to you.

Wouldn't that be fresh!
Rusty

I think I will act like I believe in him and that he is being true to me. Yesterday, I was so sick with a cold and my asthma that I didn't give a Hoot where he was, or who he was with. I was just trying to get through the day breathing. Well, ya know, I'm breathing today, and I have some kind of calm inside me saying what will be will be. I'm running around checking on him and maybe there is nothing going on. He comes home to me, but the thought of him even JUST calling her urks the heck out of me, even if its only for 4 min. or so.. When I saw the sell phone bills when I discovered he was calling her, it was like he was obsessed. Like an addiction, so I think I will take heed your advice and lay low and act like it's not bothering me anymore and see his reaction. You know, this is a hell of a way to live, and I never thought my near retirement days would be like this. Sometimes I wonder if he was fooling around all these 35 yrs. and I never discovered it. And your right, he is a habitual liar, he said himself he can't guarantee complete honesty. That alone is hard to live with. But I'm going to try and fulfil my time and keep a little more busy to put off these thoughts of living with a dishonest mate. And perhaps during the leisure time I might run into someone who will sweep me of my feet and rescue me from this hell I'm living in with him, although right now I'm not interested in any man at the moment but sometimes dreaming will take me through these days. So as you said time will tell on this one....

lefty:

There are a couple of strategies in sitches like this that are very different from one another.

Letter 1: Snoop, like the subject of this thread. It's justified, and often the only way a BS can learn the truth. It can make you crazy with suspiscion, though. Without complete disclosure, our minds do a lot of assuming. I've found that the best thing for me 2 do is simply assume my assumptions are wrong.

Number B: ...and that leads me 2 the 2nd strategy, which is 2 pay attention 2 the changes in your WS (if there are any) over time. What you're looking for are signs that he's truly ended the A and contact. How do you interact? If he's still snipping at you when you ask him 2uestions, it's a safe bet he's got something 2 hide. You won't get the details of what it is or what's going on this way, but in a perverted, unfair way, you will be slowly building HIS trust in YOU by "going 2 the source" for your info rather than snooping for it. And you'll feel less crazy and maybe a bit more secure, yourself. With time, you will be better able 2 "read" or gauge where your WH is at. Are his affections still divided? Or is he fully committed 2 having a REAL relationship with you? There's a big difference.

All this takes time. For me, it's taken almost 2 years now 2 be able 2 gain enough mu2al trust that my W and I can open up 2 each other better than we have in more than a decade about how we feel about our M.

-2long

Lefty - thats the SANE choice LOL All the running and checking Obsessing is overwhelming .

Some times taken a brake , you actually SEE more if theres something to see .

ONE more thing about possiable Other cell phone ,,some times not all , but if you run a TRW report it will show there also any other credit cards he may have applied for .Just in case .

BE WELL , take care of YOU and just try very hard to be calm .

2LONG - that was great advice and I have to thank you for that one cause it really just helped the HUMP I am in in my recovery , you said, all the above very well .

Some times you read here and all it takes is one post to someone else to snap something for another in need .

LEFTY read alot here , you may also find what you are looking for in someone elses words . There are so many stages that we BS"s go through and only you know what your living with that connects with someone else will be going through as well .

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ November 30, 2003, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>