Hi. I am new here, but love this site. I need some major advice. I was married at 22, and my husband was abusive. I put up with it for 3 years and finally got the courage to file for divorce. At the time, we had a 1 year old son. About 3 years later, I met and married my current husband. He is romantic, caring, sweet, a wonderful father, everything.We have been married for 2 years. As wonderful as he is, we have had our share of problems. He would not keep a job, and when he did have a job, it was commision only, and would go for months without a pay check. While I was working full time supporting our family. A year ago I had a child with him. I found out about a loan that he had for school from about 8 yrs ago that he has paid nothing on. 41,000.00 is what he owes...and I knew nothing about it, until I opened a piece of mail addressed to him, stating that they were going to start ganishing his wages. There was also another incident, involving a 13 yr old girl down the street. I saw them kissing. Of course he says she kissed him, and I do believe him, because I know how she is...however, I gave him opportunity after opportunity to tell me what happend, and he never did, until I flat out ask, "Why did you kiss her?" That is when he said he didn't, and that she tried to kiss him, and he stopped her...After all of this, I asked him to leave. Since this time, one of my neighbors and i have become very, very close. We were always friends, but now we both feel much stronger than we did. I honestly think I love this guy. My husband has been gone for 4 months now. I don't miss him. I have my moments, but for the most part I don't. So, I don't have a clue what to do...I really "think" I want to be with this OM, however I also keep thinking about what a great father my husband is, and how caring he is, and how sweet and romantic he is...but I just don't think I love him like I should. Something else, which may be stupid, but is I don't want to be a single mother again, but now with 2 kids by 2 different men. What should I be doing to help me in making this difficult desicion? I try to stay away from this OM, but am just not strong enough to do it. HELP!!

Hi,

Welcome to MB. Please read the concepts section above. What is it that you see is wrong with your current M? Is your or did your H have an EA or EA/PA? Are you afraid of anything regarding your H with you and the children?

Why does your H think he has to live outside the home? Were charges filed against your H?

Please share a bit more.

Thanks,
L.

Orchid--Thanks! Sorry, I'm new to all of this and I'm not sure what EA/PA means...My husband is currently living in an apartment because I asked him too. He wants to come back home, and I just tell him I'm not ready for that. I think all the stress and anger about the job, money, everything I mentioned has really caused me to lose a lot of feelings for him. I know I love him, but I'm not sure if it is a romantic type of love. He is really a great person. The emotions just aren't there. No charges were filed...YET. I guess she hasn't said anything to her parents. She still comes around once in a while, and though I want to tell her off, and tell her never to come back, I'm afraid to because then I think she will say something, and it is her word vs. his, You know?
Thanks!

A man who kisses a 13 year old child is not just your typical WS (Wayward Spouse), he has much deeper problems. I also took offense at your indicating that you and your H discussed how the 13 CHILD is as part of reasoning/excuse for it happening! A 13 year old who is kissing an older man has problems but a man who is kissing or more a 13 year old child is a child molester!!!! It doesn't matter what type of reputation the child has.

How would you feel if a grown man was kissing your child?

Sorry for the preaching but my H and I have been foster parents for many years and have seen too much in the way of children being abused and taken advantage of by adults.

Okay, now that I am done preaching....I think you might need to go to IC before you get involved with any other man...you need to figure out why you keep getting attracted to guys like your ex and current husband. I have a hard time figuring out how a man can be a great H and father if he can't keep a job, doesn't tell truth and was involved with a 13 year old child.

He also needs counseling to deal with his problems before you should consider taking him back.

I would use this time alone to figure out your issues and to work on yourself...Plan A, while encouraging your H to also seek help. After you both go to IC (Individual Counseling) then maybe you could try MC (marriage counseling).

EA means Emotional Affair and PA means Physical Affair.

Best Wishes!

EA=Emotional Affair(in love with the OP(other person) without being sexually involved).

PA=Physical Affair(being sexually active with the OP with little or no emotional involvement)

EA/PA(being in love AND sexually active with the OP).

First of all you have to decide what YOU want. Do you want to save your marriage or do you want to divorce? Obviously we can't do it for you but we can help point out some things that you MAY be overlooking for the moment. But if you truly want to save your marriage then you must realize that there is NO WAY that it is possible if you are in contact with the OM (that is a fact), so you must FIRST tell the OM that you want NC(no contact) with him from this point forward. Now if you don't want to save your marriage and truly want to be with this OM, then you have to ask yourself what kind of woman gets involved with a man that is not her H? a woman who does not value marital vows. Afterall you were in love with your H two years ago, and yet it didn't stop you from having an affair, did it? So what makes you think that if you divorce your H and get married to this OM, that you will be faithful to him?

As far as your H's problems with regards to his huge school loan debt, his inability to hold on to a get a full time job and his dishonesty with regards to his kissing the 13 year old, those are things that he will have to decide whether he is serious in wanting to resolve and thus prove to you that he truly is committed to become the husband that you need. His actions, not his words, will tell you whether he is serious about resolving his problems. What actions? Getting a full time job and showing you proof that he is paying off his school loan debt AND staying as far away from the 13 year old as possible when he is with you and the kids while at the same time be willing to commit to mutual accountability (you also need to being accountable) would definitely be a very good sign that he is moving in the right direction towards financial responsibility and radical honesty.

As I said before YOU have to decide what you want, so think very carefully before you decide one way or another.

Confused at home, I think you should end your relationship with this new man.

Why? Because of your current marriage and your first marriage. In both cases, you picked out men who were, in some way, not able or willing to be good husbands.

And I suspect that you've not yet learned what it is that a good husband really looks like, and your choice this time has been just as poor.

Please do keep reading here, and keep posting. There's a great deal you can learn.

I've got a couple of questions for you, too:

- Where is your husband now living?
- Is he interested in reconciliation?
- Is he involved with anyone else?
- How much contact do you have with your husband right now?
- Is your husband paying child support? How often does he see his child?
- Is your ex paying child support? How often does he see his child?
- Are you in a physical relationship with the OM?

Thanks guys!
Orchid-No he has not had an EA/PA. I am not worried about him being with my children, as I honestly believe, that they kissed and he then put a stop to it.
Forevertogether--I am sorry. I did not mean to offend you. I don't "blame" her. I blame him for putting himself in that situation. I just don't think he "started" it...I start IC on Monday. I really think it will do me a great deal of good.
TOOmuchcoffeeman-Thanks! I realize that I can not take any steps forward until this OM is out of my life. However, with my husband past job history, we are in a bind. This OM is my next door neighbor, and I am stuck in my house lease for another year, and again, money is very, very tight, and there is no way to move at this time. So how do I "not see him?" I have never cheated before, or never even thought about it. I really "think" I love this guy. I don't want to blame my husbands issue for my EA/PA, but I honestly don't think it would have happend if it weren't for all these issues that he brought on himself.

Anyway, thanks guys! I'm hoping Monday IC will help me. I'm just really having a hard time giving up this OM. We will end things, and then he will call or come over, and I CAN'T stop him. I WANT him to call and come over. I'm just not strong enough to totally end it!!
Thanks again!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedathome:

I realize that I can not take any steps forward until this OM is out of my life. However, with my husband past job history, we are in a bind. This OM is my next door neighbor, and I am stuck in my house lease for another year, and again, money is very, very tight, and there is no way to move at this time. So how do I "not see him?" I have never cheated before, or never even thought about it. I really "think" I love this guy. I don't want to blame my husbands issue for my EA/PA, but I honestly don't think it would have happend if it weren't for all these issues that he brought on himself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are wrong when you say that you would not have fallen for this OM if your H did not have his issues, and please hear me out for a minute.

It's been proven time and again that even in happy marriages, whenever there is the physical distancing of one spouse as in the case of extended long job travel AND the increased spending of time by the other spouse with a person of the opposite sex, an affair is usually the outcome [as was the real life case of Jon(the BH(betrayed husband) and Sue(the WW(wayward wife) in Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair']. Now granted that your H's issues were a contributing factor in creating the environment that made your affair possible BUT it was your decision to kick your H out of the house (thereby distancing yourself from him) and your spending time with the OM from next door, that ultimately were responsible for you having your affair. You and your H are equally responsible for the bad state of your marriage but YOU are solely responsible for chosing the actions (kicking your H out of the house, spending time with the OM and confiding personal information with him) that ultimately led to your affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, thanks guys! I'm hoping Monday IC will help me. I'm just really having a hard time giving up this OM. We will end things, and then he will call or come over, and I CAN'T stop him. I WANT him to call and come over. I'm just not strong enough to totally end it!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you are having a hard time giving up the OM and it's because you are emotionally bonded to him. You are addicted to him and the only way for an addict to recover is for him/her to remove him/herself from the source of the addiction. You want to know a good way to keep the OM away from you? Invite your H to come back to live with you and give the OM a NC(no contact) letter explaining that you have told your H about your affair with him, that the two of you have decided to reconcile and that you no longer want to have any contact with him from this point forward.

Also keep in mind that the longer your H is living apart from you, the more likely is that he will adapt and will find himself in a situation similar to yours, is that what you want?